Remake this, Bitch!!!

Okay...I may be a little late with this nugget of information...but here it is anyway....the coffers of Ideas in Hollywood are as vacant as the Bates Motel....you know the motel from that movie starring Vince Vaughn and Anne "Bat shit Crazy" Heche, and directed by Gus van Sant....I think Hitchcock remade it....anyway, in my beloved genre of horror films it is hard to find a film being released that isn't either a remake of an older horror film or a remake of a Japanese film from 12 minutes ago that Americans are too dumb to watch.

What brought this little rant on you might ask...well, I was recently in the cinema and caught a trailer for a remake of John Carpenter's 1980 gem, The Fog. It was a great little film that didn't get the attention some of his other films did...but the atmosphere he created in the film is spacious and eerie...if you haven't seen it...please rent it now because if you see the remake...you will notice that the film is probably pretty much the same....except all of the characters are now 25 years younger and star in some show on Fox or the WB....I mean the crusy old priest originally played by Hal Holbrook is now played by some dude who looks like he just F'd some hot chick on the OC and is about 12...what the fuck?

An earlier rant also recorded my displeasure over the potential remake of Wes Craven's Last House on the Left....but here is a little recap of some of my favorite films that have also been remake recently:

GEORGE A ROMERO's 1978 classic DAWN OF THE DEAD

This film is widely considered one of the best films in modern horror history. It is rich with social commentary, interesting characters, and all of the traditional horror elements as well. It's overly gory to intentionally de-sensitize the viewer and is simply stated a masterpiece.

SOME DUFUS FROM GREEN BAY'S 2004 forgettable popcorn flick DAWN OF THE DEAD

This film is actually a fun little film...mindless...shiftless....and with nothing to say...but none the less....I will not bash it too much, as I vaguely enjoyed it....but I ask...why? why did it need to be done.....hell make this movie and call it rip-0ff of the dead and I'd enjoy it a hell of a lot more than invoking the name of one of the holy trinity of dead films and leaving your mind at the door.....C'mon...one of the actors was Mekhi Phifer...take it easy....the one redeeming quality of this movie was getting to see Ken Foree recite his infamous line "When there's no more room in hell....the dead will walk the earth" one more time.

TOBE HOOPER's 1974 genre essential THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is again, widely considered a modern day masterpiece. Shot on grainy super 16mm in a documentary style that his been impostered but never duplicated...it's raw intensity bleeds through the screen. You can feel the dry heat of the texas sun....smell the rotting meat at the infamous dinner table scene...and empathize the fear of the characters....the outfits don't age well...but the direction, acting, cinematography, et al. does.

SOME PSEUDO GAY DUDE WHO DIRECTS GEORGE MICHAEL'S MUSIC VIDEOS 2003 genre slow pitch softball THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Marcus Nispel, the director of this, once again, vaguely enjoyable cat jumping out of the closet scare film...literally cut his chops directing music videos including videos for George Michael and Cher...he definately has a style...but watch the extras on the DVD and you will see somebody in a fur coat, cut off jeans, a cowboy hat, and a handlebar moustache..."aritsts" are so annoying...he seems to look his nose down at the genre....and did I mention he is a douchebag...anyway...it is enjoyable to watch Jessica Biel run around in a wife beater with her cans going "ka-pow" through a walk in freezer...it is much gorier than the original (which hardly shows any gore despite the reputation of the film...the gore didn't come until the sequel)...and has its moments...again it has nothing to say...and no soul.

ROBERT WISE'S seminal 1963 haunted house masterpiece THE HAUNTING

This is one of those rare pre-1972 films that was able to actually frighten me...I can probably count on one hand the films that were able to do that. I feel that film acting prior to that was still pretty much stage acting...just on camera...it all seems stiff to me. This film does have that...but it also delivers the goods....without use of any technology but the gate, the lens, and the microphone. Their are no special effects...it is all left to your imagination with sound and it is perfect. It is truly a haunting film expertly crafted by Wise and his actors and crew.

THAT FUCKING GUY WHO DIRECTED SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL's 1999 impertinent shitsterpiece THE HAUNTING

Jan de Bont, (that's a dude's name by the way....what kind of a dude is named after the middle sister in the brady bunch) who cut his teeth as the Director of Photography on such gems as Leonard Part 6 and Who's that Girl?, made a very interesting directorial decision when making this film....he decided to forego the minimalistic atmospheric scares conjured up in the original...and just go with "directing" a wicked shitty film....he traded in sounds with wicked shitty directing...character study with piss poor directing...and traded in a good film with this extra large helping of semen and feces stained garbage. I think his directorial decisions paid off...this movie is virtually unwatchable....I swear at points in this movie, a cartoon breaks out...the CGI is awful and unneccessary and this movie just plain old fashion blows. Jan de Bont....go fuck yourself...and while you're at it...it's time to make Leonard Part 7...as there were just too many questions left unanswered in part 6...

NOW LET'S DO SOME REAL REMAKES

So all of this remake talk has gotten me thinking...If THEY can remake all of my favorite films....why can't I remake other people's favorite stuff....so here are a few...


BIBLE 2005: THE NEXT GENERATION

Alright you muthafuckers...let's make some noise...yeeeeah bitches! The holy lord is all up in this bitch! Everyone who wants Jesus to grab him by the nuts/ and or vaggy and shake some holy muthafuckin' spirit into his muthafuckin' face make some goddamned muthafuckin' noise.

That's right...the first thing the "original" bible is missing is bad language...cursing is hilarious and if used appropriately or even inappropriately it can spice up any work of fiction...even one as boring as the bible. For example what if we changed the name of Job...you know that retard who kept getting fucked over by "GOD" and was gonna kill his kid for him...what if we changed his name to J-nuts the cum dumpster and he was actually a gay party boy who liked to go down on farm animals...you know some real dirty shit....people eat that shit up...we could even promo the fuck out of that chapter or whatever the fuck they call the sections in the bible...we'll make up some real exploitative reviews and put it right on the front cover...like "J-nuts the cum dumpster is the single most deplorable fictional figure in the history of Aramaic literature"...that would be the nuts.

And instead of Jesus being a long haired hippy looking scraggly dude...we made him a fantastically hot chick with super huge tits who likes to TF anything that moves and is always calling people Tiger. She could work at some titty bar or asian massage jack shack...now that would be kick ass.

And what if Jesus (now known as Chastity) also was hooked on painkillers and would blow her drug-dealers to get off for free...you know really give her character a good backstory and a struggle...no more of this dying for my sins bullshit...let's keep it real! She could also be a single parent...but she's not real good at it because she's always fucking and doing blow and beating her kids and shit....people eat that shit up....Oprah would be pimping this book out like mad...we would hit #1 on the New York Times Best Seller list right away just with the BUZZ we'd be getting.

And let's try and extend that end of the world Revelations stuff...people love doom and gloom and biblical pissed off revenge...but instead of locusts and stuff...we'll have them be those huge Robots from that movie ROBOT JOX and the guys driving them will be clones of Snake Plissken from Escape from New York...you know, all surly and pissed off and bad ass....they don't even give a fuck what you think about them and they're not even going to explain why they wear an eyepatch...cause they don't have to...and that makes them bad ass.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS REDUX:

And God Spake these words, saying: I am the Lord they god, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage:

#1 - Though shall have no other gods before me unless they are like those kick ass gods from that shitty move Dark City where they stop time and fuck with peopleleth and shiteth.

#2 - Make as many muthafuckin' graven images as yee want...who gives a fuck...and what the fuck is a graven image anyway?...in fact, for every graven image you make...take a shot!

#3 - Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them, for I the Lord they God am a jealous god...you know like that girlfriend you had in high school who would go ape shit bananas everytime she caught you getting hand release from some prostitute who was really a guy...then the chick would cry and try and kill herself and you would all goof on her because whe was such a drama queen....what a bitch...yeah, I'm like her...so don't fuck around behind my back or I will fuck you where you live.

#4 - Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, unless it is hilarious...if is fucking funny...then it's ok...but don't just goddamn anything...use it wisely....in fact, I'm going to limit it....you only get 2 goddamns a day...make them count...and if you use 3....I get to fuck your wife...that will teach you to overuse my name in vain...cocksucker!...that works well after goddamned by the way....goddamned cocksucker....just flows off the tongue.

#5 - Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy, and to rock it out muthatrucker!

#6 - Honour thy father and thy mother, except when to do so would interfere with the previous 5 laws...or if your mom is being a total bitch and won't let you buy that new digital underground record...then do not honor that fucker...and if you're dad is all..."blah, blah, do your homework, mow the lawn, stop stealing CD's, quit shooting smack,"...then fuck that dude...dishnonor the shit out of him.

#7 - Thou shalt not kill....unless Greedo shoots first.

#8 - Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless your wife is into it and wants to watch...or if she wants to be with another chick and let you watch...or if the other chick is really hot or wicked slutty and interested in doing dirty shit your wife won't do...or if you really want to...then you can

#9 - Thou shall not steal...unless you can't afford it and you really want it...or if you can afford it, but you want to blow the rest of your money on shit you shouldn't be buying and need to steal the thing you should be buying, or if it's like a new MIB carded figure of Pinhead...maybe you could steal that...just do what you think...leave me the fuck out of it.

#10 - Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor....I don't know what I was thinking when I first wrote this one...I wonder if I meant don't lie....but if I meant that...wouldn't I have just written Don't Lie...I mean what the fuck...if you mean it, just say it...anyway...don't lie...unless you'll get in trouble if you don't...then if you tell the truth your just a fucking sucker, period!

SOCCER

I have decided to remake soccer....I call it real football, you limey morons!