Cloaked in Failure Blog

Requiem in Nine Chapters: The Failure Chronicles

2007-08-26T12:53:00.000-05:00

Okay...after many months of false blog starts, death threats, death texts, death myspace messages, death deaths...I have finally completed a blog update. I kept getting busy and not able to write about the last stupid thing that happened in my life...so I finally got it all done....albeit each part is truncated mainly cause I can't remember....but nonetheless...here it is:

Chapter One:
Fuck This and Fuck Him: The DON Saga

So as you all know by now, I make my living in the film industry. I work mainly in production on commercials, but prefer the AD department. I also, as you may know aswell, have a little bit of a "thing" for horror movies. Some say that "thing" is a clinical addiction...but whatever. So way back a few months ago when I got offered the opportunity to 2nd AD on a horror feature, I was excited. Granted the money was shit, and I knew the budget was small and it would be a lot of work, but I blew off a few jobs, getting in trouble in the process to make it happen. I mean....HELLO? Horror feature...AD dept...ship it.

Well....not exactly. Now, I must preface this by saying despite all that happened on the feature...I really want to do another one. Not sure if it is to prove to people I can do it....or if I caught the bug. Well....first things first.

So I was called in to interview for the 2nd position and told to bring copies of call sheets I had made. I brought said documents that prove I am a trained monkey and/or was able to print someone else's callsheets if I didn't have my own. Call sheets are important...but are not rocket science. He checked my resume and saw I had experience, mentioned I was the only candidate with AD experience, then instantly chose someone else without the experience and called me to 2nd 2nd which I turned down. I was willing to upheave my life and throw away some committments and money to 2nd on a horror feature, but not to PA essentially.

Days later I was called saying they made a huge mistake and would I come in and 2nd. I did and started the day before production started and gave them some prior commitments I couldn't get out of.

I thought I had some pa's, etc. with experience. I did not. I had them help me with calltimes the first night. This was a HUGE mistake on my part. My PA did not know the difference between craft service and catering....one didn't get a call time. The next morning began with me firing echoey F bombs throughout a school for retarded children I was so irate. Good start. It all went down hill from there. I will also say that now...every PA I worked with on that gig, I would hire again in a second.

I'm not going to get into much specifics except for that the final straw was when a company wide memo came out regarding walkie talkies. The job ceassed being worth it. I made sure that the dept. would be okay and gave them notice....then continued getting into it with the AD with ended with me screaming to the UPM about the AD "Fuck this and Fuck Him" in front of the crew. So, yeah....went well. Then he thanked me for not quitting earlier. Why I want to do it again...not sure....but I do.

Chapter Two:
Big Fish in a Little Pond: Vomiting Puppets

Alright....quick one. Another little project I worked on. One of the local filmmaker dudes in town made it to the final 8 or whatever of that Spielberg show, “On the Lot,” and I had the opportunity to work as the AD for the short they made. It was a pretty good time….drunken vomiting alien puppets…freebie overnight. I’ve had others do enough…payback.

So anyway, my main reason for bringing it up was my complete lack of AD power. Here is a couple pictures I snapped of the location….5 minutes after call time.

Chapter Three:
Undies and Mohos: That One Crazy Bitch

Okay….so another job….people dancing in their underwear. Mainly dudes, so settle down…nothing real excited….except one lady….wow (my wife is probably stabbing me right now as you read this). Anyway….besides the abundance of gross skin….there was one other sweet situation.

So we casted via craigslist for “real” people….never a fucking good idea….”real” people are fucking as crazy as “fake” people….the only difference is when they do shit crazy stuff there is no agent you can call and yell at.

So one crazy lady that came into an audition….then a callback….where she danced in her underwear just as was to happen on set….we’ll call her “shit crazy bananas fucking psycho broad girl lady.”

So, yeah, shit crazy bananas fucking psycho broad girl lady came to the audition, callback, fitting, etc. and then when she got her calltime the night before and I told her the wardrobe to bring…tank top and underwear….she then went ahead and sent out an email to every cast member telling them that the shoot was a disreputable porno shoot….then called the cops and sent them to the set….HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….I shit you not….she totally went ballistic….she didn’t show up at her appointed time and wouldn’t answer her phone.

So anyway, as if she-monster didn’t make enough trouble she also sent about a million emails to anybody at the client. Our client on set then politely called her and tore her a new one…politely.

Shit crazy bananas fucking psycho broad girl lady apologized for the “confusion” and said you can “never be too careful.” So apparently….the audition at the reputable casting agency where she danced in her tank top and underwear on camera….the callback session at the reputable offices of the ad agency where she danced in her tank top and underwear….were just not enough to assure her that when she was called and told to bring her tank top and underwear and that if that made her uncomfortable we obviously wouldn’t make her do anything was alarming to her. So she emailed anyone with a computer to tell them to look out for the bang bus.

So yeah….after apologizing…she then asked if she could still come and be in the commercial. Let me repeat that….after emailing every cast member that we were sexual predators, emailed every one at the client’s offices that they were sexual predators, CALLED THE FUCKING POLICE on us (who politely showed up and goofed on her), she then asked us if she could be in our little production. GET FUCKED LADY!

That isn’t the kicker…..after being told no….she fucking showed up anyway….HA. You can’t make this stuff up. This crazy chick stopped by the set where I was given the normally unenviable task (though this time quite enviable) of being the one to tell her to get the fuck off the set cause she was a crazy bitch. That crazy bitch was crazy.

Chapter Four:
Roller Derby Chicks and Heat Exhausted Confusion: Charley and TKAPB

So a couple more freebie projects I had a chance to work on and some fun had by all. Got to work with two directors I’d been wanting to work with. Two completely different styles…one as laidback as it gets and one whatever the complete opposite of that is.

“Charley” was a contest for some RCHP music video thing with some guys who have worked with me and helped me with some of my stuff. I think it is quite funny and turned out really well….especially since they didn’t have the band to work with…but worked with them anyway:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPEkGPspjDE

Alas…they didn’t win. If I recall the winner was kind of dumb.

Then there was the video for To Kill A Petty Bourgeoisie. This was quite the adventure with a video that I think may be one of the coolest I’ve worked on. My buddy who produces my stuff was producing this and asked me to AD which I was psyched to do. It was a 6 minute song or something asininely long…which makes music videos hard to do…with a real slow, deliberate song as well…which also made it real hard to do. With all that said, they really came up with a great concept that perfectly fit the mood of the song in my opinion….the song reminded me of a more modern version of something Julee Cruise would have done for the Twin Peaks soundtrack.

Anyhoo….it was one million degrees in an apartment that seemingly had never been cleaned by its occupants….perfect for the setting. Then they trashed it some more and lit it with mainly kinos and it really looked kickass. I am apparently the only person who hasn’t seen a cut yet as all I’m hearing is how kickass it is. Can’t wait.

Anyway, I’ve worked with the director on a few other things in the past and was a little worried we would clash as I have a very short fuse for people snapping at other people (kind of a weird contradiction in and of itself), especially on freebies. We only got into it once were I stood up for myself and he for himself. It is weird, I very rarely get involved with people that I feel can have a short fuse…or maybe not involved with…but don’t put up with it much…but I find this guy very talented and a good dude nonetheless…very weird. The video is dark and creepy and bloody and right up my alley…and very stylized and moody.

Chapter Five:
Rabies infested flying fucking ratbirds: Bats hate me and my face

So, the other day a friend was facefucked by a bat and it reminded me of my summer which involved two full fledged cloaked in failure homestead bat invasions.

Invasion ONE was the first in a few years. For some unknown fucking reasons bats love our place and are always flying around freaking us out. So, we live in a split level where the stairs kind of wrap around going downstairs….I was awoken from my slumber by a screaming “we have a bat.” I instantly freak out when I see it and start shrieking like a 4 year old girl and screaming at my wife as if she was the antichrist. I eventually lock her in a bathroom with the dog who loves to bark and sort of mock me while I always try and creep up on these things as they fly in circles in constant creepy motion until they land….if you don’t see where they land it is as if you are in Danang creeping trying to spot the “enemy” hiding in the foxholes but you don’t know where it is.

But in order to watch it land you have to stay close and every 4 seconds scream like a retarded infant as the scary flying rabies machine comes shooting around the corner and hits you in the face. Instead of getting armed in a sweet Holy Grail black knight bat killing armor…I grab a pillow and swat in the air at the menace.

It eventually migrates to upstairs circling the kitchen and living room as I watch it from downstairs….I try and talk to the wife who opens the door temporarily then immediately slams my fingers into the door as I scream in pain and girlish fear…fantastic. So I remove what remains of my fingers from the door while swearing at my wife who in the time of crisis I’ve decided is responsible for this mayhem and creep upstairs and continue my slow forward creep/backwards fall…all the while swatting air with my pillow shield sword.

Eventually the thing flies back down fucking stairs and into a room…I rush down and slam the door shut and decide that I will just not use that room for awhile until the thing runs out of food and dies a slow horrible death….or until morning when the sunlight comes in to illuminate it and I don’t have to run in and put a light on while being death eaten by a fucking bat….but more than likely…option A with the lack of any actual bat encounter.

So we all kick back and relax and celebrate our mini victory….when BOOM….”holy fucking shit there is another bat.” BOOM…lock the wife and dog out of the house…again with the swearing and ludicrous mind blaming….thinking that we are under attack from a highly intelligent new breed of bat completely bent on my personal destruction…I forget that actually that fucking thing probably just crawled under the goddamn door with a crack the size of a small country and recommenced its shit crazy circular flight pattern of terror.

I do my bob and weave and finally it lands on the ground. I pounce with a bucket. I then start screaming for anybody who will listen…who is apparently nobody…the wife is locked outside and the roommate is just not answering to “HEY….JOHN….HELP….PLEASE!” Eventually, he does crack his door and politely ask “are you calling for me?” Are you fucking serious? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? No, I just love screaming, john…help…please. Anyway, I will let me sarcastic hate go momentarily and ask him to get me a cookie sheet as I have a bat. He, with the speed of “slowpoke Rodriquez” (the most racist name in the history of cartoons), brings me the cookie sheet. I lightly lift the bucket and slide it under the bucket to make a little movable dungeon….then the worst noise ever recorded. A high pitched shrieking is joined by insane fluttering in side the bucket as I have apparently caught its little bat hook arm thing. After, first feeling scared, then a little bad, I immediately turn that into a gleeful serves you right attitude. Stay out of my face, buddy.

I have the roommate open the front door. I then literally just huck this entire jerry-rigged dungeon out the front door as it flies into a million pieces…slam the door. Then kick back and relax. A few minutes later, I recall that I have a wife and a dog…and tell them all is safe.

Now…for the second attack….you can pretty much just read this….and instead of cookie sheet, change that with Andrea’s law degree.

Chapter Six:
Dungeon and Dragons Bond: The Fanball.com spec spot

Alright, as you all know…I am trying to get some paying work as a director. In this town, that means as a spot director…so my reel has some short films, music videos, and a few spots….just not enough…so I decided my next project would be a spec spot. I figured I may as well do it for a local company in hopes of selling it when done…but mainly was doing it to put on my reel and because I enjoy doing things.

So I rounded up the usual suspects. There was this guy with his lights and camera:

Then this guy with his laptop and cellphone:

Then a familiar face from DWD playing our Bond villain:

And another familiar DWD face playing our version of Bond:

We made the calls, got a sweet location for next to nothing where we roamed all evening, encasing it with smoke and firing blanks....really, really, really loud blanks. It was a ton to shoot, but we got everything we set out to do thanks to a great crew and some talented people.

I mean, we made a real fucking mess....we made a room look like it had been blown up, were flipping over tables full of poker chips, blew a leaf blower at debris to spread it all over, shot guns, had gear everywere...and the owners of the place were totally cool with it. We were firing these annoyingly loud blanks whilst a wedding reception took place...they must've been psyched.

We finished the shoot and immediately began cutting the spot back with our buddies at Splice. It all went well and when we finally finished, we sent it off to whomever we thought we should at fanball. We all sent it to the guy we thought was the owner. Who, to date, is the only one to respond. He absolutely loved it...and told us he sold his share of the company and really had nothing to do with them anymore. HA. I'm great at research. He did forward it on to the appropriate folks over there and had a guy at the new company he's starting contact us...so maybe we didn't totally blow it.

Anyway, here it is...check it out:

Chapter Seven:
Producing and Weddings and Family and To quote Finn "stuff like that."

Alright...so over the past few months I have been given the opportunity to produce a few commercial spots. Now, I never got into this business to sit in offices and make phone calls, and resize images, and make prepro books, and fellate clients and agency folk, and pick between caterers, and figure out where to park, and deal with personalities, etc., etc....I always wanted to do some creative stuff. That said, I am not bad at the production end of it...and to date is still what I make the majority of my living on. I don't fight that as at least I am progressing in the industry I want...maybe not currently in the position I want...but you can't complain about being asked to produce. That is somebody having a lot of respect and trust in you.

Plus I get paid more than PM'ing....not a tough decision. I am a whore...a whore trying to buy a house and have a little whore. A whore who needs money to do all of his dopey side projects. A whore who needs to make a living and have a career in case this whole DWD feature thing either doesn't happen or does happen and doesn't work.

So, anyway I was all set to take a week long vacation back to see my family on the east coast when on the day I leave I got a big producing job...I had to work from my folks house the entire time...in their basement...or wandering their yard on a cellphone looking like Joey the cellphone douchebag. These two little guys were totally psyched to see me:

And instead of being able to play with them full time...I sat and talked about stupid location photos and shoot dates. I was back for my sister's wedding...so at least all were kind of busy and weren't totally mad at me for being work douche guy. I really, really wanted time off...this was a month ago and still no vacation for me. After this job...I am flushing my phone down the toilet....at least for a week.

Anyway, I was also there for a more special occassion that I told everyone on this job I would be literally murdered by my family if I didn't shut my phone off for...my sister's wedding. I did shut my phone off...though folks didn't care and still left worried messages about things that "had to" happen asap....our industry is one of panicked rushed must do's...nobody thinks tomorrow exists. Sometimes it doesn't...but usually it does.

So this pic is of your faithful host....reading a fucking Walt Whitman poem my sister selected. I was very honored to be in her wedding...but what the fuck does "companeros" mean? And why did I have to talk about the "long brown trail?" I told her I would laugh out loud if she made me speak that...I didn't....she did.

The wedding was great...the job was a very hectic nightmare that at the end of it everyone was very, very happy with, and I need to sleep...for a month.

Chapter Eight:
Bloomington in Shambles....I'll see you at the tables.

So, a couple weeks ago...I came home from a job. A job right after the fateful wedding producing job....we shot till late into the evening at a location about an hour away from me. I was very, very, very, very tired. I drove home while falling asleep only twice...through on the TIVO'd red sox game and instantly fell asleep. I was awaken by my wife and roommate talking about storm damage. At first I didn't really grasp what was going on and rolled over and put a pillow over my face to deafen the noise and sleep some more....then I did know what was going on and rolled over and put a pillow over my face to deafen the noise and sleep some more.

When I finally got up...I walked outside and surveyed the damage. How the fuck could I have slept through this. Seriously. There were trees in people's houses, garages, cars...the place looked like a post hurricane disaster area...though luckily we only had a big branch of a tree in our backyard...not too bad. Everyone else wondered how I slept through it as well. So while our neighbors sweated the fact their homes were in shambles and what were they gonna do? Myself and my also home renting wife, happily slid off to the movies in a different town where the power wasn't out everywhere...though first I stopped by the film lab I had dropped the job's unprocessed stock at first....as they are a few blocks from us. Cosmetic damage...but the emergency generator saved us....phew.

So, we have lunch, catch a flick and come home to see...power still out...neighbors still working hard. We feel bad...then pack up the car and head to a casino to spend the night gambling and in air conditioning and a whirlpool tub until we can have the goddamned red sox game on...cya.

Chapter Nine:
DWD Status

Okay...so there is still that little case of the full lengthed feature version of the zombie trailer I did. Has that died and gone to heaven? No. I am expecting the script back this week and am meeting with a few folks about it in the next two. We are meeting with an entertainment lawyer and setting up the LLC. I am getting excited again.

As I've said, I've been kind of handcuffed as to what I can do to move it forward the past few months, but that time is changing and hopefully we will start to get some forward progress again. I WILL make this film. The Evil Dead with a mean streak is how I describe it....funny and disgusting...what more can you ask for. Hopefully the updates will continue.

Grindhouse, Mission Plissken, Owls Video Premiere, and Writin' bout Zombies

2007-04-01T22:13:00.000-05:00

Well....Wow. Another week another surreal failure respite. This has probably been one of the weirdest weeks in my life, and it culminated with an event that is right up there in the top five of my life....including: my wedding day, beating Billerica on Thanksgiving day in football (fucking hate those Indians), Super Bowl XXXVI (I broke several things jumping around like a fucking retarded elephant in joy), the Red Sox winning Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS against the Evil Empire (the comeback was complete and though the 4 game sweep of the Cardinals to give them the world series title made it complete....the comeback from 3-0 was so sweet). Now there are many things conspicuously missing...such as Super Bowls XXXVIII and XXXIX (both awesome fucking days with awesome fucking outcomes, but the first is the best), game 5 of the 1986 ALCS when Hindu hit the game tying home run when all seemed lost against the Angels (leading to Donnie Moore going shit bananas, getting hooked on drugs, beating his wife, and eventually killing himself), the 2001 AFC divisional game against the Raiders (the snow bowl and last game at Foxboro), the shoot days to pretty much any film I've directed, the day I finally got some strange....the list goes on...but I stick with 5.

Anyway....there is a new entrant...the World Premiere of the feature film "Grindhouse" in L.A. What a fucking surreal event. I have never smiled through an entire film....let alone a 3 hour film, but I did this particular night. I'll get back to the actual film, but let's start with the trip.

Now the whole deal is that since my trailer, The Dead Won't Die, was selected as a finalist...we were invited out to the premiere of the film as well as the afterparty. Now when I get on a plane I'm a little nervous because the dude I'm heading out there with (the DP of the Grindhouse trailer) hadn't yet arrived, but I finally figure out he has just someone got a flight on a different date even though we booked the flights online together...so now I have a day to kill in L.A., without a car, by myself.

I catch a shuttle to my hotel and check in....it is what I would call a nice shithole. It seems pretty nice in the lobby....it is huge....and it isn't that disgusting, but the elevator only works if you press the opposite direction you want to go....and even then, only sometimes...after waiting twenty minutes, cause you're too lazy to take the stairs. The good news is there vending maching is so old it is one of those ones that has pepsi products and coke products...in cans....for like 50 cents....the hallways seem like hallways in projects with shitty plexiglass and some grafitti, and the room smells like dirt....that isn't too bad....I've stayed in twenty dollar hotels that smelled like wet feces mixed with murder and anal sex lube...so this was just mildly annoying....plus they had color television...at least that's what they advertised...it was true...even HBO.

Now, I had to sit on the shitter to be able to even connect to the wireless I had to pay 8 bucks a day for...but I had spare time. So to kill time on my alone day...what do I do....see the sites, do something L.A., maybe go to an amusement park, see a wax musuem....nope....I do what I do here....go to a cardroom. Only this time the cab ride puts me in the hole to begin with....the dude at the commerce casino said it should be like 30 bucks....NOPE....like fucking 80, but at least I placed 8th in a tournament that only paid the top 5....though it was still pretty fucking fun. Nice dudes accept for this commercial actor who kept talking about his residuals to another actor who apparently made a living making donuts....but when I beat that dude with a 5-7 offsuit for a huge pot...he kept mouthing off to me....he asked how I could call with that...I replied "it was super easy, I just grabbed some of these chips, the tournament ones that say no cash value on them, these right here, yeah, grabbed those and threw them in the pot while exclaiming 'call', and then continued playing in the hand...seriously....really easy" He kept making comments to me until I literally laughed in his face one time and told him that he needed to get more national commercials if this bugged him so much...as he must not be making enough cash. I love goofing on poker dudes. There was another stereotypicall poker dude at my table who told everyone there odds, etc....and even when he would lose he would try and teach the person who just beat him how they could have better played there hand.....though this dude was gone pretty quick....those dudes always are....but they also always seem to regale the table with stories of their 5 cashes in big tournaments this year....then why are you playing in this piss cheap tourney with dumbasses like me who is more concerned about the cab fare he blew then somebody elses tells?

So I spend more money on a cab home after unsuccesfully lying to the hotel there. I got caught trying to get a free shuttle to the airport so I could get a free shuttle from there to my hotel....but instead I got busted for not having a room and spent another 60 on a cab home....apparently this guy knew a better way.

So Wilson arrives in our rental car and we head out to get some dinner....but he is obsessed with finding some donut shopped with a supposedly famous giant donut on top....we find it and have a donut.....for dinner......and head back to the hotel.

I awake monday to Brady and Cole, our other buddies, who want to meet for breakfast. We do....we see sites while site-seeing....goof on people giving out energy bars with a shit strategy for spreading out....instead there are like 15 people in the same spot giving people who don't want these things subject matter for a trash can....then we finally head off to the premiere.

We hit some traffic....rare for L.A., I know....and start to see the theater in the distance...complete with the huge spotlights shooting up to the sky, the red carpet, the swarm of photographers and reporters, etc. It was fucking bananas. Brady momentarily loses his mind as we can't find a place to park and he thinks we are going to miss it all.

We hurry over and get in line for our will call tickets....they don't have them...they send us over to the lady who hears the sob stories. Right before we get to her she says to some dude how he is essentially fucked because there are no more seats available and even though they fucked up....too bad. So when she recognizes our name and sob story she says, "oh yeah, you guys never RSVP'd so we didn't think you were coming." I immediately go into lie mode. We never knew we had to...we just got an email about where to go, etc....so I started with the whole "of course we did, blah, blah"...she just cut me off and gave us out tickets...no harm, no foul.

We walk in next to the red carpet, watching crazy fucking dudes yelling and pushing each other to get pictures of fucking people I've never even seen before in my life...it would be one thing if it was Kurt Russell....but this was some random chick...a random hot chick...but calm down...they are everywhere in that town....working as prostitutes because their dreams have been shattered. We walk into the place and kind of linger, hoping to see someone, but there is nobody...they are all already there. There is a concession stand where they are giving away, I shit you not, free popcorn and drinks....FUCKING FREE....goal post....this is living...free flicks....slutty hot chicks running around thinking they are important cause they are slutty hot...free snacks...ship it.

We get into the theater and instantly run into one of our SXSW grindhouse trailer finalist compatriots...the dudes from Hobo with a Shotgun....who just happen to be there with fucking Stuart Gordon, the director of Re-Animator (among other things)...they take me over and introduce me....it was fucking awesome...nice guy. He hadn't seen our trailer yet, but promised to check it out that evening. I chatted with Jason (hobo guy) for awhile and he tells me how he met Tom Savini and Greg Nicotero....so I have two dudes I'm instantly on the look out for.

So then finally, the lights turn down and the spotlight comes on and out come the brothers Weinstein...they talk and all shut up, then come up Rodriguez and Tarantino, who spout the anecdotes I have heard a bunch from reading about the flicks and seeing Rodriguez at SXSW...but damn did I get excited. Then the lights went down...and away we go. I don't recall ever smiling like a giddy schoolgirl throughout an entire 3 hour film before now.

Very rarely does a film surpass my expectations....especially when they are high....but this flick went way beyond surpassing it. I literally turned to my buddy in the middle of Planet Terror and again during Death Proof and said..."this is the greatest film ever made."....now, that is not the case, but goddamn was it a fun movie going experience.

It started with the trailer for Machete....which is unbelievably kickass...my favorite trailer by far...then we moved to "Don't" the trailer by Edgar Wright....absolutely hysterical....

Then into Planet Terror which is out of control. It is the most fun you can have in a theater...literally a thrill a minute with squibs that make Verhoeven's Robocop squibs look like mosquito bites. There is some incredibly disgusting gore....kickass characters by tons of great actors and some not so good (read Fergie)...but it was all fun. Explosions, gore, hot chicks, zombies, guns, badasses, Tom Savini, Michael Parks, etc., etc., etc. I cannot say enough superlatives about this film....and I was nervous about the distress Rodriguez was planning on adding to the flick....but it looked great...really cool....and the comeback from his missing reel was gold.

Then came Werewolf Women of the SS...I was most psyched to see this and this was the only part that vaguely disappointed....don't get me wrong...it was super cool, but I was hoping for more.

Then Roth's "Thanksgiving" which I had seen at SXSW uncut and without the distress....I was surprised how much stayed in from the cut I saw which I thought had no chance of making it....but they just added some flashes, and trimmed a few frames, and an over the top hilarity fueled trailer.

Then we jumped to Death Proof, which is much more deliberately paced then the rest of the film....it starts with a sweet shot driving by the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin which elicited a rousing cheer from a section of the crowd. The film definately has Tarantino's voice in it as per usual...love it or hate it....I usually get annoyed by seeing Tarantino speak through his character's...even though I enjoy his films.....but it didn't bother me in the slightest in this.

The setup was long, which annoyed a few people I talked to...but I enjoyed the characters so enjoyed spending time with them.....really good performances by all....even Zoe Bell...she isn't great at acting...but she certainly held her own...until she stole the show.

And then there was Kurt.....mr. super cool. His first scenes are just plain cool....we go interactions with he and McGowan, and with the girls...then a very painfully missing reel (though this one was actually shot, unlike Rodriguez'....so we should see some footage on the dvd....lapdance)....then some fucking sick fantastic stunts and gore, some great lines delivered by the king of cool....then onto a hole new storyline which led to some of the coolest car stunt stuff since the frequently referenced "Vanishing Point." Zoe Bell is a god among men, er women...and Kurt Russell switches gears into a whole new character with ease...it is a little difficult to watch the king of cool in this role at first...but hilarious.

I literally had a shit eating grin on the entire time....it was certainly helped watching it with a huge audience hooting and hollering and wanting to like the film, but damn was it fun.

I was then lucky enough to have tickets to the afterparty which was a fucking surreal event. I am fairly immune to being starstruck and have only ever really geeked out when meeting some DP's I've really respected, but this was overwhelming....seeing a whole slew of actors, directors, effects dudes wandering around is crazy....especially when it is a bunch of your idols.

I saw Greg Nicotero and nerded out....that sums me up....surrounded by all these starlets and famous dudes....including Mickey from the fucking Monkees (wtf???)....and I run up to a gore effects artist. He was so kickass and shot the shit for a few minutes...saw Trejo and Savini...they were all over the fucking place....it was bananas. I really felt like I was crashing the thing and would be thrown out at any moment. Met Eli Roth who kind of blew me off and put the phone up to his ear....Sandra, the EP from Grindhouse who we met at SXSW and who did the contest was genuinely psyched to see us....she didn't think we would come....is she fucking crazy? How could we miss this? She was about to introduce us to the babysitter twins, but alas, she was stolen away from us.

All of the chicks from the movie where there...singing happy birthday to Tarantino. It was fucking so bananas. My buddy Cole was nice enough to stand around and wander with me as I would have turned to stone and melted to the corner somewhere.

My one goal for the entire trip was to meet Kurt "snake, Macready, burton" Russell.....I never ask for autographs or pictures as I feel it rude, but I was up front with myself that I was going to overcome my shyness if I had the chance to meet Russell....alas I thought I missed my chance...Brady called right after the premiere let out to tell me to get to a certain exit as he was coming out....then two hours later I still hadn't seen him...so I assumed he bailed....then when all was lost Cole caught a glimpse of him hanging out by the catering truck with nobody really around him....I immediately ran over and told him I was a big fan and apologized but asked for a picture....he was very accomodating and nice...I figured he'd want to bail, but mentioned the article I read about his thoughts on the Escape from New York remake and we got to talking for fifteen minutes about a bunch of stuff. He is flat out a very nice, cool guy and this nerd has reached his nerd utopia.

I brought up his "fuck that, I'm Snake Plissken" quote and he replied with "yeah, Fuck that I AM Snake Plissken.".....I took a mental note that life would never get any cooler than it was at this very moment. I wish I had a t-shirt of him saying that. We goofed on the guy from 300 a bit and talked about how a Limey could never be Snake as to quote Kurt from EW "there is one thing Snake is...and that is American." When I mentioned that I read something that I though nailed it on the head and mentioned that, we really got to talking a bit. He is a very sincere, nice man who took 15 minutes out of one of the slew of many of his big nights to make a fan's lifetime. He was really a great guy. We even talked about how great the SXSW trailer contest was...he concurred that it was a super great idea...though he conceded to not seeing out trailer....as if I caught him in something bad....like i would ever expect Kurt Fucking Russell to sit around on youtube watching dopey horror dorks' attempts at filmmaking...so cool.

It was a very inspiring trip and got us moving forward even harder to turn our trailer into a feature....but that aside....going back to working on a Kemp's ice cream commercial seems a little more difficult then it did before.....once in a lifetime experience...I'm so glad I went.

DO NOT miss this film when it comes out.

So, yeah...I got back home and continued on writing the script for the feature length version of "The Dead Won't Die." We are really trying to strike while the iron is at least luke warm. We are hoping to be able to raise some money quickly and shoot the end of this year. Now that would really be a dream come true.

Now if this all wasn't enough, when I got back we were but a few days away from the 2 night premiere of the music video I directed for the band The Owls. I am really proud of the work we all did on that video and was really excited that the band enjoyed it. They kept telling us how blown away they were with it and thanking me. I can't seem to convince him that I felt honored to be given the chance to direct it. I know a lot of filmmakers who wanted to work with them. They are really some of the most creative and talented people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Now, in the process of promoting the show, the local paper, The City Pages, did a review of the video that will go down as the coolest review I've ever had...aside from the SXSW paper saying that TDWD was "the most disgusting of them all." Here is the review:

The Owls are about as PG as bands get these days. Their slow-pop sound is butterfly-wing delicate, and their subject matter—while measured and mature—is certainly nothing you'd cup your kids' ears over. So it's odd that they would elect local grindhouse filmmaker Todd Cobery to direct the video for "The Way On," from the band's long-awaited second album. Cobery's last project was a trailer for The Dead Won't Die, a feature-length gore-fest about a shotgun-toting woman seeking revenge after being forced to conceive a new breed of zombie. If Cobery has Tarantino's taste for splatter, though, he's also got Lynch's gift for haunting imagery, and he uses it well here: a lonely boat adrift in the night, a spotlight on a microphone in an empty room, a dark woods at night. By the look of "The Way On," the Owls and Cobery are a perfect match. The video debuts this weekend, and audiences likely won't have another chance to see it until the song's official release, slated for some time next fall. Kid Dakota opens with his own brand of deep-woods mystique. $8/$10 at the door. 9:30 p.m. Also Saturday —Chuck Terhark

It doesn't get much better than that in my world. Pretty cool. So I was lucky enough to get to go to both shows and see a bunch of friends and people who worked on the videos, but also got to see The Owls perform two nights in a row...a real luxury. It is strange, but I can't keep from smiling when watching them....even with the more melancholy songs. They just leave you enjoying life. The musical chairs they play whilst switching instruments and not missing a beat is awe inspiring. They bring a style to music that you flat out just don't see anymore and it is one of the those things I feel lucky to watch....let alone have been allowed to work with. Maybe we'll get a chance to do another video down the line.

I also got to see Kid Dakote for the first time....also a great show.

Really good week to say the least....now its time to work. I've got to get that feature up and running, finish the script, and I'm working on a music video for the band Ice Palace...very talented band....I'm trying to be shit crazy and make Cabinet of Dr. Caligari type sets....why can't I just do something with one dude in a room talking....cause I'm a fucking idiot.

I'll leave you with this....an actual mannequin display at a sex shop in L.A. People are fucking weird, man.

SXSW, Leslie Vernon, The Dead Won't Die, Grindhouse, Holy Fucking Guacomole

2007-03-20T22:49:00.000-05:00

Alright....well....wow. It's been a crazy week and a half. I meant to update my trip to SXSW everyday...but that fell by the wayside instantly. It is a very tiring experience and I had no time to blog, let alone gather my thoughts. But now I am back and can update everything in a long boring nutshell...with even more shit.

Okay, so last I left you I had returned from a screening at the Alamo Drafthouse Downtown....that place fucking rules. I have always read about it as it is always playing special screenings of flicks I like or groups of flicks I love with dudes who made them in attendance...and they serve beer and food...which is also cool. I had a coke of course....a type 2 diabetes sized coke in fact. So the flick I saw was entitled, Mulberry Street.

This is the movie I was mentioning that was about fucking rat people. Un-fucking-believable. On the bright side the lead actor, Nick Damici, was quite good...and he was also the co-writer...not so quite good....and all of the actors were great...and actually the writing was pretty good...the story was just kind of dumb in my opinion and it borrowed a bit too heavily on the current horror camera techniques. But it is hard to criticize too much...as they went out with no money and made something that is professionally done and it screened at the fucking Alamo Drafthouse midnight at SXSW....so in my face.

On Saturday, we awoke at the crack of noon and headed back to downtown Austin. We had a scheduled screening of "The Dead Won't Die" trailer along with a bunch of other Grindhouse trailers that day at 4pm...then onto the park for a double bill of Italian horror geniusness. I attended my first of a few panels at the festival. It was called "directing actors," and I was psyched to get to listen to some working directors discuss techniques for working with actors and getting strong performances and the whole collaborative process....and BOOM! There wasn't a single fucking director at the directing actors panel. There was an editor, a columnist, a casting director (who was actually really good), and some dudes who wrote a film and used non-actors. Anyway....I kept an open mind and got two nuggets of awesomeness from the panel...so it was worth it....but mainly shit terrible....like spending the first half an hour of an hour long panel going around the room and introducing ourselves...all of the 50 of us or whatever....us....who I didn't give a fuck about. Totally retarded, but whatever.

After that we had lunch with the producers of Dirty Country (another flick playing the festival with a lot of Minnesota connections....like the 2 producers we were eating with). We ate at some bbq place that was supposed to be kickass.....it was however completely un-kickass....or lacking kickassedness. I finished half my sandwich and soaked in their nervousness. We then made our way over to the trailer screening at the 501 theater. Now this was the event I was most psyched about...meeting other dufuses like myself who love the genre...and seeing some killer trailers....we had at this point met the makers of "Hobo with a Shotgun" at the hotel that Dimension films and Troublemaker Studios were putting us up in. More on that later. Anyway...we walked down there and found out....boom, rescheduled til after the double bill at the park...I was quite bummed...that meant it was starting at midnight and would go for like 3 hours and I was tired as fuck and had to get up early for the reason we were there...the Grindhouse 101 panel. I wanted to be alert and enjoying the hell out of myself for the screening tonight...but it wasn't in the cards...tired and leave quick instead.

So the guys at the 501 theater were awesome and after some initial technical difficulties (this was their first screening ever), they started showing the kickassedness....one vintage exploitation trailer followed by a similarly themed SXSW Grindhouse trailer contest trailer. Some of my very favorites were "La Donna con gli Occhi di Vetro" (aka "the woman with the eyes of glass"). This one was ten types of cool.

It is so nuts on perfect to a giallo trailer...it really is amazing. I'm not sure, but I think he lifted the music from somewhere else...but it is so awesome. And the lines "what are you some sort of sex pervert" and "...but I may have to arrest you for [uncomfortably long pause]...murder" were both so perfect I couldn't stop laughing. A lot of my lesser schooled friends couldn't grasp why I loved that one so much as it wasn't as glitzy as the rest....but it really was a perfect homage to anyone with a passion for Argento and Martino's early work....truly amazing. I sat behind the dude at the premiere and I felt a little starstruck....I hope he makes a feature length giallo.

Another favorite was "Tank." And judging by the response from the crowd it was an Austin made product...lots of fans in attendance for sure.

It was shot on video I believe and achieved that great washed out red of old 16mm film prints. Great music, great concept, great look, kickass all around. Christian Cisnero was the filmmaker I believe.

Then there was Stacy Davidson's "Stormtroopers of the Apocalyspe." Wow. Fun. Gory as fuck...which I obviously like....with sexy chicks kicking ass and shooting guns....which I also obviously like...and the chicks had kick ass names...which I less obviously like....but like none the less.

This guy is obviously a talent...one of many that rose for this contest. It was really amazing. I've done a bunch of shit filmmaking contests...they seem to be my lot in life, but this one was so awesome. Right up my alley and it produced a bunch of awesome content by talented people who obviously hold the genre dear.

I could go on and on about each trailer, but I will start cutting to the chase and mention my two co-finalists that also played at this screening....I knew one was coming up when I saw the "They Call Her One Eye" trailer pop up on the screen. Jason Eisner's "Hobo with a Shotgun" used a very similar font and had a similar feel to that classic...so I was pysched up as was the crowd. Hobo had been getting some much deserved pub and making it big on youtube. The bam! "alright you dirty cocksucers..." what a fucking opening.

The crowd went bananas for it as it should and I just can't say enough about this one...totally cool...but I believe the whole world knows that now...this thing is getting crazy love all over the interweb.

The last to play was my other favorite, "Maiden of Death." This one was getting hammered and praised on the online. People kept ripping it for not being "grindhouse" enough...whatever the fuck that means. They said it was too slick, etc. And it was fucking slick....probably the most professional of the bunch. These guys are fucking talented. It is crazy cool....sexy chicks, great digital effects (and I hardly ever say that as I hardly ever think it) and just an overall coolnees. By far the best edited of all of them.

The copy for this trailer was so cool. I really dug it all the way around and when I first saw it at the wrap party for DWD, I got bummed out and said..."there's the one we just lost to....I would stand in line to buy a ticket for that TONIGHT!" And I would...and hopefully will. I know those guys have plans for a feature.

I neglected to mention our screening which was fucking amazing. We screened after the trailer for David Cronenberg's "Rabid"....what it has to do with ours, I have no idea...but I love that fucking movie and that it was rad to kind of be compared to it. The place seemed to really dig our trailer and went bananas at all the right spots, so I was pretty fucking content...having a bunch of horror dudes dig your stuff is pretty cool.

It's funny because as we were meeting some of the other filmmakers and the word was spreading who the finalists were everybody was kind of nice to us, but hadn't really seen our trailer. It didn't get online in time for the AICN post and so it had no buzz behind it. People were confusing us with one that was maybe not quite as well done and thinking "why the fuck are these dopes finalists?"

Then it screened and people finally saw it and went wild....lots of people came up to us later and told us they had us confused with something else and now understood...which was totally cool.

Anyway....meeting the teams was really cool. The guys from Adios Lobos were going to take us out to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre house which is now a restaurant, but we got caught up on a tour (more later)....and the Maiden of Deat guys are so cool and laid back. They are all graphic designers and super talented...the same with the Hobo guys....just kickass dudes who appreciate the genre and did something fun because that's what they like doing. It was great to meet them all and a true highlight of the trip.

Anyway....I was basically falling asleep at the end and we went back to our hotel room and I stayed up burning dvd's til the morning and then we went to the Grindhouse 101 panel. Now this was an event where Robert Rodriquez was going to discuss his upcoming film co-directed with Quentin Tarantino entitled "Grindshoue." He talked about the making of it, showed some clips, talked grindhouse in general, and then finally played all three finalist trailers in front of the sold out crowd of several hundred. This part of the trip was fucking amazing...truly. People went apeshit for all of the trailers....I had luckily in the short span of my career been able to here a theater audience laugh out loud at a film I've directed, and that is fucking awe inspiring...the crowd certainly did that...but it was the collective "ewwwww" of sheer gross out from the crowd during the tongue cutting scene that really made my day, my week, my trip, my lifetime....so cool. And not to mention Mr. Rodriguez' Mexican producer sitting behind us going apeshit and loving it....totally unreal, surreal event that I will never forget.....then, BOOM! back to reality. Hobo won and we didn't....or we "won less" as they told us...which, though I goof, they really did make us feel that way.

We got a few interview requests then went on the true highlight of the trip (I keep fucking typing that....apparently there were more than I remember)....our trip to Troublemaker Studios....which could also be called Filmmaking Nirvana. It is a fucking one stop shop to make feature films...you never have to leave the place. Production offices, editing, graphic design, motion graphics, prop house, mechanic bay, studios, wardrobe....fucking EVERYTHING. And we were treated to a tour by Elizabeth Avallon, Robert's wife and producer...and maybe the nicest woman in the world. We met a whole bunch of people there who were also totally nice...though Mr. Rodriquez kind of blew us off....which was disappointing...though I can't be too mad as he was the one who held the contest and who selected us as a top 3 finalist...come to think of it...blow us off all you want...and thanks.

We saw sets still up from Grindhouse and walked through them....watched as the post team frantically worked to finish all of the effects needed to complete the film and were treated to some never seen footage...we saw some kickass props just fucking lying around....like the police car from Sin city, the lil' pussy wagon from Kill Bill, the Death Proof car from Grindhouse, the jackhammer from Dus til Dawn, guitar from El Mariachi, and a whole shitload of other stuff....it was unfucking believable. Totally fucking awesome....very inspiring.

And when we returned to reality....we got drenched by downpours...literally....I looked as though I had jumped directly into a pool. Before that however we saw a film a friend had worked on, called "What Would Jesus Buy?"

It was a great doc about Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping, basically a group who go around the country and creatively preach to slow down consumerism....a good point not wasted...slow down...not stop. And to stop places like wal mart and starbucks from taking over the world...it was very funny, heartwarming, and thought provoking....and probably wasted on me....cause it made me want a coffee and all I care about is what is closest....morals be damned. I suck at having morals...too fucking lazy for them.

We ended the night with our buddy giving us the keys to his vehicle to drive home and him grabbing his 4 pack of condoms which he though he'd be using on one of more Stop Shoppers....but alas, he awoke on the floor of a hotel room alone.

Now I followed the rule of if I'm going to see it in the multiplex in a few months...I'm not going now, no matter how much I want to see it....that procluded me from seeing "Knocked Up" in favor of a film that probablly will never see a theater but will see a dvd rack....Ti West's "Trigger Man."

Now, I don't know how I feel about the film. I will say that it was very fucking boring throughout the majority of the film and very deliberately slow paced. So slow in fact that I spaced out at times during the 2 minute long shots of dudes walking through the forest with nothing happening. All the while I knew I was being set up....but the fucking tortoise slow pacing really made the few scenes of excitement work that much better.

So, in the end....the f'ing thing was boring as hell with some really good parts that were only really good because the rest of the film was so boring....what a dilemma. So that said....good job on making a film for no money with a few good actors...but I doubt I'd ever watch it again....even though it acheived very well what it set out to do. Weird. Then the dude talked about the film and kept dropping how he is currently directing Cabin Fever 2....seemed like a bit of a douche...but what do I know.

Throughout this there were a few more parties I ran screaming from for lack of any social ability. I went to a panel about how to make sex scenes work which quickly degenerated into a societal debate about sex in cinema....an interesting topic but one I've already seen debated countless times in docs, articles, etc....I was once again looking for a more practical seminar and got nothing out of it except hearing about Jon Cameron "Hedwig and the angry inch" Mitchell's sex life far too often...and I also got to hear Joe Swanberg mention "in my film kissing on the mouth" one hundred fucking million times...I get it dude...you are an awesome indie filmmaker with a movement named after your films...mumblecore....so stupid.

I then saw a great flick at the drafthouse...one I hope everyone gets to see as it was hilarious, gross, over the top, witty, original, and just plain fun. It was called "Murder Party."

It had a dude dressed up like a baseball fury from "The Warriors" and a super hot chick (I think) dressed and painted up like Darryl Hannah from "Bladerunner" and some other hot chick dressed as a cheerleader he cracks her skull open like 10 minutes into the movie. And they make fun of pretentious art dudes....which I also love doing. It was seriously awesome and I got to meet the dudes who were really nice...also I mustered up the nerve to go up to John "Project Greenlight 3 and Feast" Gulager after the showing...he was in the audience. I told him how much I liked "Feast" and that I hoped he got the opportunity to do another flick soon.....how fucking dumb was that....he was like "yeah, me too".....fucking duh. I am a moron and that is why I shouldn't be let out of the house.

I then later found out that my lack of party skills killed me....my buddy met the producer of Feast at a party and said he liked it but when the guy pressed him on it...he had nothing....that is the one dude I would have gustered the nerve to talk to and fucking sell myself...but alas...i was riding a cab home talking to some guy from Samalia yucking it up talking about his big rig business...the dude was awesome...but wtf? I'm an idiot.

We dragged our vegitarian friend throughout meat obsessed Texas (perfect for me)...we had no good bbq....and then the culmination...."Dirty Country." It was a fucking awesome doc, by some aweomse dudes....producers from Minnesota, 1 director used to live here...it was hilarious and heartwarming....and dirty...I love that.

It was about Larry Pierce, a country singer who does dirty songs and his shit is only sold at truck stops...they also had some other "dirty" bands including one I had previously heard, John Valby....it was so great. It was too bad that it screened the night after the festival technically ended...the theater wasn't fully packed, but the crowd dug it....then we got to hear the man play live at the after party...the first one I vaguely felt comfortable at...as there were a bunch of Minneapolis dudes there that I knew...and all were festive and in good moods. It was cool.

Then it was 18 hours back to civilization and reality....but Brady (my producer on DWD) and I decided to fucking turn The Dead Won't Die into a feature film. He had been wanting to raise some money to do a feature with me...and I have obviously wanted to direct a feature length horror film since I was about fucking 9...so I was in. I had some other indie ideas...but it just seemed like this was the right thing to do. We already had a trailer and some publicity around it...so seemed logical and maybe easier to fundraise around. It will be a goofy gory fun romp...I started writing it as soon as I returned...I'm pretty excited about the potential of finally realizing my dream....even if I do fuck it up...it'll still be a fun trip.

I returned home to a very loving wife who seemed to miss me....or maybe she was just relieved I didn't find out about all the dudes she was F'ing while I was gone (just a joke...she is going to murder me). It was great to see her after a week away...absence does in fact make the heart grow fonder...and she fucking TIVO'd "24" and waited to watch it with me...that is fucking love.

I went to my buddy's art show and bought me a "pitchah"....my wife and I suck so much at art that one of our main criteria was if it would match our new couch...that and everybody wanted the one I wanted...and his grandma snaked it early...so we had to pounce."

Then I went and saw a steaming pile of digital horseshit entitled "300" with my buddies. Wow....did that suck...in a funny way.

It wasn't the homoeroticism that killed it...in fact that just made me feel bad for my wife for having a fatty and make me want to hit the gym....it was the fact that it was fucking stupid...the dialogue was half retarded and was spoken through clenched teeth by yelling dudes in fucking capes and wrestling tights....the battle sequences, which is all I really went for, were lame.....it was boom! slo-mo ramp to fast to slo to fast....over and over again...I fucking get it. Try something new...and hey, your fake blood looks like ass....digital ass...I wouldn't notice it if it wasn't flying around the screen all pixely every 2 seconds, Leonidas. I can't believe that this dude is going to be the new Snake Plissken....set aside the fact that Kurt Russell owns that role and nobody should fucking dare touch it...but come on...this pansy...fuck that and fuck him. Shit Sandwich.

Now the real treat....I saw one of the best movies I've seen in years tonight...in a fucking stadium seating theater in a multiplex....by my fucking self. It really burns me up..."300" can churn in a billion people including me....but a great flick like "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon" has just my fat ass in there alone. It was great for me as I love watching flicks alone, which is why I go to matinees by myself all the time...but it bummed me out as I kept watching this flick and enjoyed the hell out of it and nobody was there....like a tree falling in the woods...Ha.

Anyway....this is a complete twist on the self referential horror flick....putting Jason, Freddy, and Michael Myers in a real world...they are real people....and this dude aspires to be like them....I don't want to ruin it too much, but it is part mockumentary, part horror film....and completely hilarious. This movie will especially appeal to enthusiasts of the slasher subgenre, but not only be relegated to those fans. It has a ton of in-jokes for dorks like me...including a fucking Hellraiser puzzle box just sitting on the serial killer mentor (played by the other dude from In Cold Blood and Sam Braun from CSI)'s coffee table.

I kind of saw the ending coming from a mile away...but I didn't give a shit...it was still awesome fun and hilarious....a must see for any genre fan for sure. It played last year at SXSW...I would've loved to have seen that at the drafthouse with a packed house.

Anyway...now I am getting prepped for my trip to L.A. next week for the premiere of Grindhouse....the folks at Dimension and Troublemaker have been nice enough to offer us passes to the big L.A. premiere....an opportunity I am not going to miss. I am relishing the opportunity to potentially dork out and meet R.J MacReady/Snake Plissken...I mean Kurt Russell....how fucking cool would that be?

SXSW Day One: DWD Update

2007-03-10T02:37:00.000-06:00

Okay....well...holy balls. I am on a bit of a failure respite right now. The trailer I just directed for the Grindhouse trailer competition entitled "The Dead Won't Die" was selected as one of three finalists by Robert Rodriguez and will be screening at South by Southwest this Sunday. I am pretty fucking excited to say the least. We drove down from Minneapolis to Austin yesterday or two days ago or whenever the fuck...17 hours straight...it was bananas...I was sipping full throttle energy drinks 2 at a time at the end.

We are currently staying at a friend of a friend of a friend's dad's home....I've been here now 2 days and have yet to meet him or even see him as we've been here only in the wee hours of the morning. Anyway...its cheaper than a hotel and is pretty sweet...though it did cost me a $30 cab ride to get back to tonight.

Anyway...today was our first day at the festival and this is pretty fucking sweet...though turns out...I am still socially retarded and interacting with other humans is apparently something I'm never going to like or be good at...so fuck it. I know that I need to mingle and schmooze to get to do what I want in this industry...but turns out I just fucking can't so I'll keep treading water and watching horror flicks and enjoy myself....anyway....the executive producer of Grindhouse called us and they are booking us a hotel for tomorrow night and being super cool to us and the other two trailers.

I got my film badge here in Austin and we went to a premiere party for some shit movie I have no interest in seeing....and I received a twinkie at the door for some fucking reason...I exchanged it for a free col' cola....and proceeded to have near panic attacks as people walked around....I finally found a fellow nerd and we talked Casino Royale like it was Battleship Potemkin or some shit...totally awesome...my nerd savior....then some spacy chick came up and started asking for gum and chatting me up....I saw my wife in my head and told her my single friend had some gum....and then continued nerd talking...it was fantastic.

We then went off and played shuffleboard and then the highlight of the night....we went to this hamburger joint and this drunk orange faced white tooth chick in high heels took her first step on the stairs heading down...then she decided to take the rest of the stairs face first...for realziez....like..."oh my god, is that chick dead?" hard....everybody was kind of stunned until she lifted her head up and she had blood oozing out of her face, forehead, and nose....then we went ahead and called 911....I mean she did a full flip, face mash...holy shit broken neck nosedive....all was okay until she spit out her tooth....then the moaning of the crowd began as they were more disgusted than willing to help....it was bananas....then the paramedics arrived and I finally got my burger....very surreal.

Before this....I was introduced to some fellow filmmakers from somewhere...and I proceeded to leave and walk around the city for awhile instead of sit and talk with a bunch of dudes I didn't know....I'm going far...I know....but on the bright side, I did get to see 18 variations of the "fuck ya'll, I'm from Texas" t-shirt.

We then made our way to the SXSW opening night party...met some nice people in line form Disney or something...the dude was from Boston, so my red sox shirt struck up the conversation...which quickly moved to Tom Brady...who has apparently knocked up some other fucking supermodel....hey, Tom.....take it easy....do you really have to make everyone else realize how much it sucks we aren't you...I will sing limericks to my children about you and your rings and your MVP's and your supermodels....

Met back up with my nerd buddy and we started talking fucking Superman somehow...then I interacted with dudes I didn't know that my buddy knew...I lasted almost 10 minutes...then bailed to go see a midnight movie at the Alamo Drafthouse. The majority of the flicks I wan't to see all start at midnight, because they are dicked up horror movies....well this one was a bit of a disappointment...it was a bad 28 Days Later rip-off only with fucking rat people...seriously...rat people....it wasn't terrible....it just wasn't good either.....all shot on a dvx-100 and it looked decent...nice color....but they were all..."hey look at the fucked up shutter speed and our shaky camera"....I got a fucking headache....kind of felt like cheating...the lead actor was really good, however...actually all of the actors were good....the dialogue was good....cinematography (sans the crazy shaky "wow, this is chaotic" cam) was nice....I don't know why I didn't like it at all...but...I didn't

then I caught a cab back to the house with a dude who was totally cool and now I'm heading to bed....tomorrow I'm going to go to some conferences about how to not suck at being a filmmaker....then some grindhouse trailer screening thing....should be fun...if I don't have a panic attack, freak out, and abandon ship. I am hopeless...but fuck it...I'm having fun....and I didn't even tell you about the shit business cards I tried to make....wow, shit terrible....kindo xerox job....I tossed em.

Potato Guns, Frozen Zombie Innards, Topless Chicks, and Viva La Gore!

2007-02-08T23:42:00.000-06:00

So...WOW. What a weekend. We actually pulled it off. My buddy told me about this grindhouse trailer contest exactly 2 weeks ago and we pulled off a fairly impressive shoot around another extremely lame concept of mine.

First off let me explain a little about why we are doing this. This is for a trailer contest being held by the South by Southwest film festival to promote the upcoming Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino film “Grindhouse.” Grindhouse is a slang title used for the type of theaters that would play exploitation films in the 1970’s and early 1980’s. The film is a double bill of exploitation films with trailers for fictitious films by prominent genre filmmakers in between the two features.

Exploitation films reached their zenith in the 1970’s when grindhouse theaters would play double features and triple bills of films outside the mainstream. The films were often deemed to have no artistic merit and were just pandering for shock value. They were dubbed exploitation films due mainly to how the films were marketed. The trailers often featured voice-overs were the announcer would mention the film had been banned (whether or not it was true didn’t matter), that the film featured extreme violence, sex, or other taboo subject matter. Instead of downplaying these features, the marketing was to exploit them, and each film and marketing strategy tried to one up the last.

We made a trailer for the fictitious exploitation film, The Dead Won’t Die, utilizing short scenes of extreme violence and sex, etc. and utilizing a voice-over how the old exploitation films did. The Dead Won’t Die is essentially a zombie film about a woman seeking revenge on a family who kept her captive. The family continually made zombies and set them upon the world for profit and for kicks. If this sounds completely cheesy and unbelievable to you….you are exactly right, and that’s the point. These films often made little to no sense.

Now...the Dead Won't Die is the title I used on some of my very first films I shot on actual film. When I was just learning on a bolex...I shot "The Dead Won't Die" and the appropriately titled "The Dead Won't Die 2: The Dead Still Won't Die" on shoestring budgets. They were silent and shot on black and white reversal film with my friends as stars and chocolate syrup as the gore....and they were a blast.

Now those films were anything but good...in fact they were terrible...but hilariously terrible and a good way to learn a few things. My favorite part about the films was always the title...I always thought that it would be a great exploitation title...so when the contest arose...BOOM! Instant Title. I started with the title and worked around that.

Now my limitations are many...but my main one is dialogue....so this project was perfect for me as the dialogue is supposed to be cheesy...it was all falling together. I wrote the "script" in two days....but mainly in one long night...and then David, the storyboarding genius, had boards by early afternoon...and I have been asked on several occasions for copies of the boards as his mix of style and the content prove hilariously awesome together. Here is a snippet:

So now we had a script, some boards, and myself, a producer (Brady, the producer from the Owls shoot), and a shooter (Wilson, the shooter from the Owls and Dangerous Proximity). All we needed now was pretty much everything. We still needed an editor, a designer, actors (one who would go topless), technicians, makeup and effects artists, wardrobe, etc.....and we needed to be done in 2 weeks. No fucking problem.

So first problem solved was uber makeup effect artist extraordinaire, Crist Ballas, signing on for some hero zombie appliances, and some prosthetics for our gore effects. And he as per usual kicked ten types of ass and his prosthetics were lifesavers....how else do you find a tongue for a tongue cutting scene or a pre cut open stomach suit complete with fake innards (and some butcher shop extras...that froze in the -20 degree weather).

Brady then rocked the job big time...finding us a killer location (his uncle's farmhouse) that had spots for everyone of our location needs...so we could homebase out of there the entire weekend. He then got us every technician we could ever need and my buddies jumped in to the rescue as well....including the Production Dynamic Duo of Big Snaps and Big Rig shown below:

So with the all star crew, some free film, some free equipment....we were on our way. Oh, and we also had local minneapolis rocker extraordinaire, Mark Mallman, who not only lent us his extremely talented film trailer composing talents...but also his lungs for screaming bloody murder in the fucking brutal night cold whilst his insides were ripped out of his stomach. He also found us our topless actress, an extremely talented and beautiful woman named, Sara, who kicked ten types of ass and was more than a trooper when she was topless firing louder than hell blanks in a barn on the coldest day in Minnesota this year...I think they should give oscars for that.

So then the shoot began and my fears of not having Crist be on set as the gore expert were assuaged by the genius work of Jessi (makeup goddess) and her boyfriend Jeremy (who I thought was a makeup artist...but turns out he is a private fucking investigator who dresses up in disguises to catch people doing shit they shouldn't....like deadbeat dads...awesome). I was really shocked to find out that this was Jeremy's first assignment...he was great. We also had the multi-talented stylings of Sara Jean, the art director from the Owls shoot. When I saw her face as she was cleaning fake gore off the walls of the house that missed our gallagher type plastic protection...I was sure she was going to murder me and bail....but as per usual, she stuck it out, did awesome work, and had a great attitude. I would work with her on anything...she is a rock star.

The gore was flowing...all over the f'ing fixtures, etc. We were firing off fucking shotguns in the house (with blanks....but those fucking blanks are loud, and some shit actually fires out of there....it's crazy)....we all had ear protection. It was wild. And as per usual we were behind schedule instantly and shot until 2am at a location an hour away.

We finished our day, with Mallman getting his innards devoured outside in the snow...and it was freezing. We had a warming tent nearby, but the zombies were gloveless and I swore one was going to die...he was later used as a hero zombie, but he was uncontrollably shivering by the end. But we got what we needed as the innards froze up into hardened rocks of jello gore geniusness. And there was still enough left over tasty gook for the set dog, Bantam, to eat it up tomorrow like a gore sno-cone. It was pure gold.

So instead of driving an hour home at 3 in the morning, staying up and doing Sunday's schedule, then turning around in a few hours and driving another hour back to set...I decided to spend the night at the location....nobody else decided this was as genius an idea as I did...so I was alone in this farmhouse in the middle of fucking nowhere with no other home or people nearby....it reminded me of the house from "In Cold Blood" and I was sure that William Blake was going to come in blasting...looking for the safe...all turned out okay though...I even got a few hours of sleep.

I awoke to Brady telling me that our actor for the character "badass" had bailed on us last minute (good sign of character)...but we had a dude ready to step in and fill his shoes...worked out really good as the guy we ended up using, Erik, did not exactly look the part...which really kind of added to the whole thing...he was great and funny.

We started the day doing some dialogue and then moved onto the table saw head cutting scene....I LOVE it when I get to type shit like that. This was a scene that is essentially just put in the trailer under the phrase "extreme violence." So it's only purpose is to be gross....we had a few fake heads....some air compressors...a few actors....some karo syrup with food coloring...some more front row at a gallagher show tarps and BOOM! Instant awesomeness. We did the shot from about a hundred million angles to be able to draw out the scene. It turned out really great as our editor was also our star....add one exploding water bottle full of fake blood bursting all over my face and...ndeauxsh...ship it.

We finally moved on inside after deciding to cut a scene due to time. We moved upstairs for the kickass "that bitch is gonna breed em'" dialogue. Finally my campiness was valued. Our lead actor who played the baddie ringleader apparently openly pined for the opportunity to read that line. And they say I'm not a screenwriter. It went very well and we ended our night with a sweet tongue cutting scene and the heroine attacking camera with a chainsaw. The tongue cutting was hilarious. We were provided a sweet fake tongue with tubing from Crist and we thought that it was going to be really hard to cut....we were wrong. The scissors cut through it as if it were paper and the tubing was very thin so the blood spray was very cute. Not exactly what we were going for....so we fucking safety pinned that bitch back together...threw a mouthful of blood into our actor's mouth....and had at it.

So I again forewent my return trip to Bloomington...though this phonecall to HQ (read my wife) was not as pleasant...she seemed excited at me not being around one night...and more pissed at me not being around for two nights...but I was in the middle of making exploitation gold...and by that I mean I was too lazy to drive home and back and felt like watching Lucio Fulci's Zombi on my laptop...which I did.

Sunday started off in the freezing cold barn. It actually started off with me panicking and thinking it was too fucking cold to shoot in the barn all day, especially since one of the scenes was of a topless woman firing blanks. So I went ahead and set us back a half hour by panicking. I was in mid quano sweep up in the barn inhaling bubonic plague at the time...so cut me a little slack. Super Hero Ben aka Big Snaps shaked me back into my senses. We set for the wide...set up a super hot warming tent and went about our day. Our actress, Sara, was a trooper with a great attitude. She walked in under a blanket....took it off...froze for a few moments while we did the shot, then warmed up. She was awesome and her great attitude really helped make it go smoother.

We then went ahead and doused our other actress, Christy, in gore whilst she was in nothing but a tank top in the witch's tit cold of the barn. The best part about that is that I was in charge of throwing the bucket of gore on her as Jeremy hit her with the air compressor gore. I went ahead and virtually completely missed her and almost decided to just move on due to the elements....but there was Big Snaps to the rescue again letting me know the real deal...so I got up my nerve and asked the team to wipe down Christy for take two....after she mentally murdered me...we switched her shirt and she jumped back out. I got a better throwing point and did anything but miss the second time....the gore turned to instant freezing steam and the shot is pure gold...hilarity gold.

From there we went ahead and did our fake head rip off gag....hilarity ensued and moved back to the warm comforts of inside the house for the screwing/zombie headshot scene (again...I will never get tired of typing shit like that...NEVER). Sara was again very cool and it was hilarious. The scene is by far my favorite of the trailer...it has it all....zombies, guns, hot woman, gore, comedy, and nudity...what more could you ask for?

We quickly...and by quickly I mean 4 hours late....moved to the basement for the zombie rape...the woman stabbing...and the imprisonment scene. Only the fanatics without work the next morning were left...though I am surprised everyone didn't bail way earlier than this. I cannot stress how awesome a group of people we had working on this. Everyone gave more than I could ever ask for and with great attitudes to boot...even in some shitty weather and long hours. It was a blast for me....a real dream come true.

I have been shooting my dopey horror shorts for a long time and to be able to do one like this with the kind of production value we were able to pull out of it on such short notice was amazing. The talent that came together on both sides of the camera was awe inspiring and was literally the culmination of a dream of mine...hopefully not the last step of that dream...but if I never do another project in my life...I will always at least have these 3 kickass days of shooting and one sweet trailer. I can't thank everyone involved enough...it truly was incredible.

And to think....I didn't even include the kickassedness that was the acme shoot....another day....another entry...but that was unreal as well...total blast.

Anyway...until next time...which will hopefully contain a link to the trailer...thanks again.

Fucking Zombies All over the F'ing place.....Zombie Dodgeball in one ear and Madonna's big dick in the other...

2007-02-02T01:21:00.000-06:00

So this has been an extraordinarily weird day. I have just finished a solid two months of "real" work on commercials. I've been a production manager and production coordinator on 5 jobs in a row and it really wore me thin...but it's always nice to work so much in December and January...so I can't complain...except for being so worn out that I started snapping at any fucking person with out a baseball hat last friday on set...as everything seemed to go wrong. I don't like it when I do that...as I hated when people did that to me...I just sometimes don't get how stupid people can be. Deer in the headlights type shit....plus there was a bona-fide schizophrenic on set with celebrites...he was shit crazy...it was awesome....hilarious...and a little frightening.

So as soon as I finish working on all this shit on my first day off...what do I do...BOOM...start working full time on a freebie zombie project of mine...I can't fucking leave those undead pieces of shit alone. There is a little trailer contest for the SXSW film festival in accord with the release of the film Grindouse. Anyway....I am putting together a trailer for a fake exploitation film, "The Dead Won't Die." I have used the title before on old short films I shot on reversal...i always loved the title for an exploitation film. So anyway...we've secured, guns, gore, blood, and boobs......strippers. The wife is surprisingly cool about it as she knows I love these films and am really enjoying getting to do a full exploitation film thing with real crew, etc.

So whilst putting this all together so quickly we had to get some links to other crap I've done....and one of the things was the Zombie Dodgeball film I did that won that Xbox 360 contest. It was over a year ago...almost a year and a half...and when I was looking for my link to the film on my myspace video page (I know...I get it...I'm super gay...I have a myspace page)...I noticed on the homepage of myspace there it was...I figured that it just shows up because I was signed in...but nope.....one of the actresses uploaded it last year and they for some reason had it as one of the 4 featured videos and it was getting viewed like crazy...at last count like 175,000 times....and what was even way more awesome were the comments. No...as you all know...I have a bit of a confidence problem...but when it comes to shorts like this...it doesn't bother me much as they were quick one off goof things meant to be fun...and anyway...it won me a trip and a bunch of xbox's so who gives a shite? But with like 500 comments...some good....some bad....some hilariously bad...some like this "UMM WHAT THE FUCK? THE MAKER AND EVERYONE IN THIS VIDEO DESERVE A DICK TO THE FACE."

That is the single greatest critique I have ever and will ever receive. BOOM. Ship it. I have reached a zenith from which I will never come back. That is so awesome. This random short film on myspace enraged this particular person...oh let's call him Judo Chop!...so much that they have decided dicks to everyone's faces are in order. I so love this planet sometimes. Pure un-adulterated gold.

Anyway....the greatest part of this is that through all this...nobody really knows that I did that....as somebody else uploaded it...so my 5 other goofy short films will remain unseen and this will be the height of my shit career. A goofy one off video about zombies playing fucking dodgeball as a goof...put together, envisioned and shot pretty much in one day...for the sole purpose of winning a trip and some schwag....will be viewed and torn apart by approximately 175,000 nerds and my viral shitfest doesn't even get me a few views of some of my "good" shorts. Now how's that for finding failure in some success...what a fucking whiner I am.

Anyway....it's pretty fucking cool that anything I've done got viewed that much...kind of neat. But now let's get to the fucking strippers, gore, and zombies...bring on the weekend....and next stop.....FUCKING DEATH CAMP..... T-minus 7 days and counting.....to my demise.

What I've Learned in the Past 3 Months

2006-12-28T20:04:00.000-06:00

Okay....more hate mail...more no posting....so here is what I've learned since we last spoke:

1. If the person putting sharp instruments in your mouth is also wearing a face shield, your teeth suck.

2. It is easier to beat baked people at poker than to beat non-baked people.

3. Christmas is pretty cool...as long as you throw in a matinee of a classic 70's horror remake.

4. I seem to schill for every casino in this state.

5. It has been too long since I've worked on a fun personal project...and that sucks.

6. Rear projection televisions have a short life span...but you can still play Madden on a television with a shitload of blue tracers squiggling through the screen...and if you try really hard...you can beat the fucking Jets 203-0 with 5 minute quarters. In your face, video game version of Pennington...YOU SUCK!

7. The annual Halloween party is back.

8. It is easy to waste assloads of money on said Halloween party.

9. I wish I got the lifesize animatronic Leatherface for that Halloween party.

10. Blood gel and my beard don't mix.

11. My teeth really...really...really suck and are not rewarding, very, very, very rewarding.

12. The Owls video still isn't done...and that blows, but we're almost there.

13. The Red Sox have a shit ton of money and are spending it...and it rules.

14. Peyton Manning is the antichrist and I hate him and his dumb face.

15. Boston Market is the best Thanksgiving meal.

16. Fantasy Football is not as fun when you suck at it.

17. The theme to Rocky still kicks ass....and I apparently find the term "hurtin' bombs" cool.

18. The Departed is one of the best films I've seen in years.

19. The Departed is so good in part to the fact that I love bad language, violence, and Boston...which in short...is The Departed.

20. "That's a first in the history of firefighters...and pussy" is a hilarious line in context.

21. "If you name a good white person, I'll name a better black person".....and apparently Apollo Creed counts...not even Carl Weathers...Apollo Creed...GOLD

22. One, cut a whole in the box. Two, put your junk in that box. Three, make her open the box.

23. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, the show would be called "12"

24. The phrase "bag of douche" is much funnier than "douchebag."

25. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

26. Scott was right....the lighting on CSI is distracting...I mean...for fuck's sake turn on the lights and you could probably figure this shit out better.

27. Joe is better at making gaff tape windows...his lasted 2 years....mine 2 days.

28. How to pronounce my last name....after I called my father at the age of 30 and asked...then I went ahead and forget again immediately.

29. LEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRooooooooooyyyyyyyy JEEEEEEENNNNNKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNSSSSSS

30. It turns out I CAN get past David Caruso's absolutely nightmarishly bad acting and still enjoy CSI: Miami.

31. David Caruso may be the worst actor of all time....but who the fuck are the dildos watching him and saying "BINGO! You nailed it, David. Print that. That's a keeper. Hello emmy."

32. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

33. The DP from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the remake is a bag of douche.....why God why?

34. Bush is still a fucking idiot.

35. Peyton Manning couldn't carry Tom Brady's jock.....but he would love to because he is fucking gay.

36. I suck at Art Department and most things.

37. Why the fuck does David Caruso wear his sunglasses in his fucking noir lit science lab...turn on a fucking kino and take the shades of, you fucking nutsack!

38. Terrell Owens makes me want to take up violence for new year's.

39. I instantly hate Eric Mangini and when I hear Mangenius, it makes me nauseous and laugh.

40. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

41. I am 100% alright with bribing children to like me....wow...that sounds really awful out of context.

42. CSI is running out of ideas...because there was an episode with a fucking werewolf woman who lived in a secret room of her brother's house...WTF?

43. Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.

44. I don't have even 50 things worth discussing....

Hopefully will post faster than three months from now.

Ten years ago...

2006-10-07T13:49:00.000-05:00

...ten years ago today I woke up in a jail cell in a Massachusetts polie station after being arrested for stealing a car and possession of narcotics...that was the last day I ever used drugs or alcohol. Now, I rarely if ever crave to do this anymore and it has just become a part of my life and something I don't need to think about.

All I know is that that day ten years ago I never thought I'd be where I am...you know nothing special...married, rented house, freelance work, couple of friends, dog...no real "success"...no real money...but I couldn't even fathom this modicum of stability back then. But for some reason...after being shipped out here and kind of getting to the lowest point I'd been...I figured I had nothing to lose and finally kind of got my life on track. Now it is certainly pathetic that my greatest accomplishment in life thus far is doing something for ten years that normal people can do no problem...not get addicted to drugs...but, hey...it is.

Well...if you'll excuse me...I'm going to go shoot some smack to celebrate...just kidding.

Football Hurts

2006-09-28T21:04:00.000-05:00

So The Ship Its touch football team is back in full force and thus...I am in full pain mode. Each year, I get a little older...a little fatter...and a little more out of shape...but yet...I still love playing this damn game. And so...I head out each wednesday and make a fool out of myself jumping around, diving for balls as if it were the super bowl, yelling at referess as if I had placed a wager of 3 stacks of high society on us to cover, getting in fights and near fights with our opponents be it woman or man...though the woman are the mouthiest...which leaves the men to answer the problems...always the way. I bet 95% of fights were started by a chick.

Anyhoo...I finally got involved in the offense a bit last night which was nice...and I played alright on defense...so the fact that my shoulder is still fucked up from last year isn't as big of deal today...now tomorrow if it still hurts just to sleep on it...we may have a problem.

I guess I should take advantage of this "insurance" I am so unfamiliar with. Every since my wife became elligible for this fantastical invention...I haven't taken advantage of it as I've been so used to life gambling...or roaming the earth without insurance....may want to look into it before my arm falls off.

Crypticon and I Hate Cards

2006-09-17T22:19:00.000-05:00

Okay...news flash...this just in. I'm a HUGE nerd...in every sense of the word. Also, if you haven't notice, I'm a bit of a fan of all things horror. As a youth, I would make my way to various horror conventions and get the thrill of my young life having Linda Blair sign her pea soup cans, Kane Hodder (aka Jason) pretend to strangle me, Robert Englund do his best Klaus Kinski pose, and Angus Scrimm be enormous. It really was a great time to meet all of these horror icons and get some sweet horror schwag.

Well, I moved to Minnesota ten years ago and there hasn't been anything resembling a horror con, so when I heard this week that there was a convention coming to Minneapolis, I started going back and forth as to whether or not I should go. I always remember having a blast, but I had met a few of these dudes already. Appearing at this one were the majority of "The Devil's Rejects"....Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Ken Foree, Michael Berryman, Priscilla Barnes...then there was also Tim Sullivan (effects guru from Evil Dead), Bill Hinzman (graveyard zombie who gets Johnny from night of the living dead...."they're coming to get you, Barbara."), the kid from the Child's Play films, Ellen Sandweiss from Evil Dead, and some random dudes and chicks even I struggled to recognize.

Now...as I previously stated...I remember these cons as all fun and games....like the "stars" wanted to be there and were having a blast. Now, some 15 years later, I decided I would regret it if I let the first horror con in these parts slip by me...so I went...to the fucking Medina Entertainment Center....this is the place that is home to all washed up metal bands. If Accept was going to come to town and play "balls to the walls" 18 times...this place is where they'd do it.

So I trek out and am instantly talked into the VIP pass that covers me for the whole weekend (of which I know I'm probably not coming back), gives me a free t-shirt, and puts me in a drawing to bowl and drink with the "stars." Now, celebrities rarely do anything for me....because frankly, who gives a shit? You're just some dipshit same as me...just with more money and people like to pay attention to you. That said, these "celebrities" are a different story....seeing dudes that portrayed characters in some of your favorite films in the flesh....it's pretty weird....especially when they are kind of fucking clown like.

This trip to the con didn't make me happy...it made me very sad. I was old enough to realize that these guys weren't here because they wanted to be...but because they had to be. Selling their autographs are their only source of income...and frankly, it's probably easy money...even at a very slow convention...these guys were making some good dough, for not much work....but to pretend every 4 seconds that you are buddies with some random stranger, then act out scenes from their favorite movies (unprovoked on my particular interactions....really weird!) seems like a sad existence. Maybe they love the shit out of it...."meeting and interacting with the fans"...but I assume most of that's bullshit....yeah, I'm sure it's nice every once in awhile...but they do a few of these a month...it must get old seeing 30 something fat dudes with peanut m&m breath and texas shainsaw massacre t-shirts (I realize I just described myself) crowding around you like the living dead.

So...when Michael Berryman began acting out a scene from Hills Have Eyes that he wasn't even in unprovoked....obviously it was alarming...and really uncomfortable...and long. It wouldn't end...as he kept fucking up and starting again, and doing a really terrible job...and his face looked like a mask...but then he finally got through it and I believe his point was that some line was funny...but I was too busy being mortified to notice. I just wanted him to give me the 8x10 he signed for me (almost to "tom"...which I would have let go as I would have been too embarrassed to correct him after the fact...his weird wife with the dog corrected him for me luckily) back.

The same could be said for Sid Haig, whos started doing the "what's the matter...don't you like clowns" speech from the Devil's Rejects......it is real embarrassing, because everyone starts crowding around and they think you've made him do it. You've made their star act a fool. Don't get me wrong...all of these guys were super nice and it was a real honor to meet them...they truly are people who have done a lot of work I respect deeply...it just bums me out to see them working conventions as opposed to acting in new films.

Will this all said...I got a sweet new "what would Jason do?" t-shirt.

Obviously I didn't win a free pass to bowl with my modern horror icons....probably for the best as Alex "child's play" vincent was kind of a douchebag...and I probably would have said something dumb.

Now let's move onto the super-satellite I played in this morning for entry into the championship of the Fall Poker Classic at Canterbury Park. Let's skip to the end...A-Q suited....bump it preflop....2 calls.....flop the nut straight...check...dude goes all in with nothing...I call....runner, runner flush...I'm out.......FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

Cards are gay....full HQ (read wife) cardroom approval ruined by dumb luck. Maybe she'll let me go next weekend.

Shooting Owls, Murdering Zombies, and Anticipation of Chips Ahoy

2006-08-24T08:27:00.000-05:00

Another month....another batch of "update your fucking blog" mails. I really do suck at this. The main problem recently will be discussed later in the post and it involves murdering zombies in about the head and chest. But first...we did it. We shot the Owls music video...we did it on 35mm...we did it at night...we did it in a weekend...and we did it with hardly any money. And it looks pretty f'ing sweet. We just finished a rough cut and are working on the graphics (and by us, I mean not me). In fact, not me just sent me some rough work of the graphics yesterday and we are starting to look good.

The band just watched the rough and seemed genuinely blown away...which I was really worried about. As you all know by now, my confidence level is always on E...and they are a bunch of musicians/artists/people I respect a great deal and didn't know how they would react...well, they liked it...so I can start sleeping again...or can I?

Nope.

Let me tell you why...because I am perpetually 14 years old and spend my free time listening to music and playing fucking video games about being trapped in a mall...low on gas....surrounded by hordes of the undead. So what if the highlight of my week was finding the excavator...essentially a power auger that you can plunge into the chest of a zombie, ripping his chest open...then his torso gets stuck on the thing, and starts spinning round and round, spewing gore and you walk around using the twirling zombie as a weapon....I mean...come on! FUCKING SHIP IT! That's the nuts right there. A game that is not so loosely based on one of my favorite films of all time.

An interactive Dawn of the Dead...how could you not waste your life playing it to the wee hours of the morning even when you have a 6am call time in Fridley...fuck it. I'll sleep on vacation if Vegas....oh wait...oh I'm fucked.

In even better news...The Hold Steady have released a song from their upcoming album on their myspace page (I know, I know...I'm wicked gay for even going to a myspace page, but I swear it wasn't for pedophelia). The address is http://www.myspace.com/theholdsteady

As I have said previous, I would listen to these guys piss into a bucket for an hour...really think they kick ass. I am anxiously awaiting about a million checks right now so I can buy my tix to the shows. Anyway, "she put nine hundred dollars on the fifth horse in the sixth race...I think its name was Chips Ahoy"...."came in six lengths ahead...we spent the whole next week gettin' high"....I mean fucking SHIP IT! Gambling and drugs....Hold Steady geniusness....what else do you need?

Holy Shit: Success Respite, Sue the Crazy Drunk Bitch, Snuff Interviews, Ballgags, and an Annoying Dick/Intern Crusader

2006-07-05T02:53:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I have received another batch of expletive laced hate mail regarding my shiftless approach to cloaked in failure updates. I am, in fact, a real shitty blogger. So, now instead of 5 little entries...I'm making one ass long one that nobody will read because its too long and who gives a fuck...nobody! That's who. Nobody wants to read discertations on my failure or benign existence. That said...here goes.

Well...this may come as a shock to everyone who knows me...but failure took a brief vacation recently and our little filmmaking collective, Central Services, went ahead and won the 48 hour film project this year with our tube based spyomedy, "Dangerous Proximity." You can view the filim here. Though I think you need the most up to date Quicktime version. Anyway, I have to say that it was really cool to see how the other half lives and not fail for once...but it was a big shock. We typically make this little oddball films that everybody finds cute and okay and a few people find gut bustingly hilarious...though those people are usually myself and my dopey friends who made it. That said, each year we've done this, we have made a project we are proud of and aren't embarassed to show anybody...so that's good.

This year was no exception...we stuck with our small crew theory but added a sound mix (fantastic idea) and had some new dudes and dudettes...and it all came together...despite some of the new parts thinking they had made a huge mistake early on...You see...we work a little differently than other people I've worked with...but it works for us.

Anyway, our film screened at the "best of" Minneapolis screening with the awards to follow...as I had previously mentioned we took home the audience award for our night and so we received that huge trophy (read piece of paper) right after our film screened...it was the last to screen and followed 2 downers...the one immediately proceeding ours was about 2 giant buildings in New York getting hit by planes or something...I can't remember...I was busy thinking about Porky's: The Next Day and laughing to myself....

Seriously though the highlight of my night and probably brief filmmaking career was the reaction our film got from the crowd...now it had been received well the 3 other times I had seen it screen with people laughing in all of the right spots...but nothing like this. This was a sell-out type sized crowd and to hear people laugh at something you've made is quite rewarding. And not only did they laugh but they cheered quite loudly and applauded quite loudly at the end of it....something I've never experienced before...and it was pretty cool.

So now we figured we'd get like best editing or something and move on and just enjoy our film...but when we got "best use of dialogue" we figured we were fucked...as that is usually the pat on the head, thanks for playing...your film is cute award...we did cram the line down everyone's throats three times though...so it wasn't completely out of left field....so I returned and grabbed it and figured we were done....then our green screen opus pulled in best cinematopraphy for our DP who along with our graphic artist had people thinking that we had actually shot in ductwork and not in front of a piece of washed out "chroma" green construction paper in somebody's office. So I was really psyched for him as he busted his ass and as I said, the crew consisted of just the few of us morons carrying around C-stands for him...no pros so to speak.

Then the shocker...when they announced that our film had won for the city...I was kind of dazed...I don't really remember how I feel, because I just felt awkward walking down the aisle to get the piece of trophy paper with people looking at me and clapping for our film...I hadn't thought of anything to say prior so when the guy shoved the microphone in front of my mouth...I do what I always do when faced with interacting with human beings I don't know...I blurted out some nonsense and thanked our little crew and that was that....it was really wild.

Okay...though maybe not as wild as my recent meeting with something called "Sue." Sue was a crazy drunk bitch whom my friends and I had the pleasure of meeting at an adult beverage dispensary recently. I picture her ending up similar to the woman in the picture above after leaving the nightcap. Anyway, my buddy and I were bachelors as both or our wives were out of town...so we grabbed our other friend and what out for a ridiculously expensive meal (which to me was $50 for one person) that didn't offer free refills on my coke....seriously...you are charging me like $40 for a steak and you won't put more liquidy syrup surrounded by ice in the miniature glass you gave me for free....F off!

After the dinner and my friends dinner with Greg Norman...the wine not the guy who chokes under pressure...we moved on to a bar. You see, originally they had planned on only getting piglet drunk as opposed to full on pig drunk as they thought they were driving...they don't understand the benefits of having an ex-junkie as a friend...seeming as I am too much of a wuss to be able to drink a liquid...I can drive said people around in my automobile that smells like an ex smoker and stale mcribs without the worry of being apprehended for driving under the influence....so after establishing this all...they went for the full pig drunk experience. Good Choice.

So we arrived at the watering hole we carefully chose that didn't include buddy central with a bunch of dudes with white hats and orange skinned bleached bimbos...instead we went for homeless types....good call. As I've stated in previous posts, I absolutely love watching drunk people try and interact with their environments. I don't drink anymore, but love going out with my friends as the designated driver. First encounter of the night was with the guy who had probably been in the same spot at the bar since it opened in the AM and he was in the bag...not sort of in the bag...not kind of in the bag....he had been fully engulfed by said bag. He was shit wasted...talking in drunkspeak which we decided involves only 3 letters .... R's .... H's .... and A's.....nothing more...nothing less. If you listen closely to someone completely wrecked is essentially arrraa haa rhaa ahr. Occasionally they throw in another vowel for good measure. So our buddy was sitting like jabba (enormously) surround by pull tabs remnants that reminded me of someone at a baseball game leaving peanut shells....they were fucking everywhere. And he had 2 people listening to his nonsense...it was gold. And occasionally he would make that crazy drunk declaration that made no sense like..."what's the weather?" You know uncomfortably loudly where everyone turns and looks at him....then he would grab the remote from the bartender and turn on the news and blare the volume....gold. And one dude who seemed much less wasted...sat and listened to everyone shit crazy word this guy spewed.

Now for the main course...something called Sue. Sue entered the establishment towards closing time and appeared as if she had already gone through several libations, a few rocks of cocaine, and maybe 2 to 4 bottles of Scope on her way over....and she entered and immediately started dancing in a clearly non dancing atmosphere to Sade...who some weird ugly dude with an enormous belly, bald ponytail thing, and wife beater on who was making time with some nurse type skank continuously played for some reason. So Sue (as we later heard her name was when her "boyfriend" essentially told us to call the cops on her) fobidden danced her way over to some imalgamation of Garey Busey and John Wayne Gacy and started dancing on him continuously for about an hour...while we made fun of everyone at the bar...because they we feel inferior to everbody...we also feel superior to everyone at the same time and enjoy making fun of strangers to make ourselves feel better...plus it gives us a great goof jumping off point from which then anything is possible.

So after much dancing and Busey trying to get her to calm down and leave the bar with him... he then gets up and tries to go to the restroom...and she full on dance blocks him...continuing her terrible drunk dancing and smiling as a barricade to the shitter....he did a little shuck and jive then the arm pull and a small scene was started as the bar was empty and everyone saw...that is when we were busted...as we were watching the awkwardness as if it were a tv show. Sue had made initial contact...we were fucked. Busey returned and made a fake leave attempt...but since he obviously wanted to bang this skank...he just kind of waited in the entryway...this is when "sue" fixated on our table. She took her white russian and her first statement was classic drunk non sequitar..."you know when I was a kid I didn't know if I was a boy or a girl." Goalposts....what the fuck? Gold! Pure Gold! "I didn't" she continued "I really didn't...we didn't know that shit...we didn't care." I thought....funny, neither do I.

Okay with that bit of awkwardness out of the way she then told us she was 51...now this was hilarious as she was probably 40 maybe...I mean don't get me wrong...she had a few miles on her...but 51 she was not. So she tells us she's 51 and how much the Doors really meant to her and her generation. You see "the end" by The Doors had begun to play...and I remember telling my friend that this whole situation was going to go downhill fast...when you are unstable with a shitty life and use substances and are presently wasted...that song is like fuel to completely lose it...I don't know why...but it always happens. She started talking about Hendrix and wondering why we kept looking at each other like we were being accosted. Then Busey came back again and told her to come along...she didn't want to "waste her beer or drink" and he then told her she knew where he lived and told us that we could "feel free to call the cops"....sweet! Busey permission.

Now she was all alone...except she had us...and she clung. And then grabbed and then we snapped and told her to get fucked....actually we specifically told her to "beat it", which she did not like...that phrase offended her. Which is hilarious...drunks take one thing and get offended and it sticks in their craw...genius. She then told us she was 54...which was great...she actually aged 4 years since she last spoke...and that us "kids today" and our $100 Tommy Hilfiger jeans...I was of course wearing army fatigue cut offs wouldn't understand about Vietnam and drugs and the doors. Now she was probably 9 when Vietnam was going on...and my guess is that she did what everybody does at one point in their lives...goes through a Pink Floyd/Jimi Hendrix/Doors phase....she just never left it. So my buddy made some crack about her being 70 to goof on her forgetfulness and she said we'd "get old some day too"...meanwhile...I think she was only like 10 years older than us.

Then the arm grabbing and pulling and personal attacks took place...so we reiterated to her to go fuck herself and eventually the bartender tossed her out. I started feeling bad for her for a second thinking that she was going over to John Wayne Busey's den of iniquity and would probably end up in pieces under the floorboard covered in lime...but then I remembered she called me a fatass...so Fuck her! Only my friends call tell me the truth.
So another interesting tidbit from my recent adventures...I am going to be interviewed about Snuff films for some documentary. What the...? Alright, so I was persusing the IFP email update thing and there was a posting for anyone with knowledge of such films as "Cannibal Holocaust" and the trial that surrounded it...and other films that used similar techniques and how they relate to real life "snuff" films and also the Daniel Berg beheading. Well, I saw "Cannibal Holocaust" and had a moment of weakness...you see, I don't get involved with things for people...never, but I just couldn't pass up an opportunity to discuss horror films...especially disturbing nasty ones from the seventies. I answered the email stating that I wasn't an expert and the only thing I knew about snuff is that it was a crock of shit. I also mentioned I had seen the Berg beheading tape (as a side note...if you haven't seen it...never do...you can't unsee it...and even if you are fairly desensitized like myself...it is fucking fucked!) and knew of serial killers that had filmed their exploits and that was the only "snuff" I knew of.

I immediately regretted responding as he kept wanting to meet and have a pre-interview and I had decided that I was probably going to end up in a ball gag in his basement being gay ass-raped by he and some dude while they videotaped me then cut my head off... I thought I had gotten out of it as I was too busy, but he kept persisting and eventually we met. It was actually quite fun. He shared a very similar opinion to cinema, horror et al. as I did and I enjoyed discussing it with him...though I enjoy discussing it with brick walls as well. Though now I am getting interviewed for his documentary...so there is still a chance I end up with a cock and balls in my face followed by a machete.
Finally, I have recently put an ad up on craigslist looking for unpaid interns for a commercial shoot. You see...we don't have a large enough budget to hire 6 extra PA's for a day to blow up an inflatable crowd....or we would. Instead we are getting interns to help for the day and get there foot in the door.

Well...out of the blue some dipshit has started harrassing me about "if ANYBODY on the crew is being paid, then EVERYONE should be paid." What fucking planet does this dipshit come from? First of all...FUCK OFF! Secondly...get fucked. Seeming as the post wasn't for me but for a job I'm PM'ing I decided that I couldn't be so blunt...so I politely responded thanking him for his input and telling him how if we could afford to pay people...we would use people with experience and wouldn't be putting out an ad allowing young people to get their foot in the door of the industry....I told him how that is how I first got into it and so did many people...I also told him how it is a fairly standard practice in not only this industry...but all industries to use interns...He then told me how "casinos had more money than God and that it was our fault that they didn't give us enough".....okay....now, seriously, assface...get FUCKED! Blow ME! Who has the kind of time to randomly respond to craigslist listings and harass the listers...here's an idea...don't do it. Just sit in your boxers...play Quake 4 online with you buddies and recite Pulp Fiction to each other and leave me the fuck alone....Assnose!

To all a good week and may you not be royally fucked over by anyone....PS...I spent my week looking for a dog who would hump your leg on cue....dear mom...showbiz is great.

Tube Based Spyomedy...48 hours of green screen, Dr. Sphincter, and fucking mind faucets...

2006-06-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

So Another year....another weekend of stress induced creativity...and filmmaking. The 48 hour film challenge. This is our team, Central Services, third year in the contest. We are a jaded team that sort of shun the traditional approach. We are all "professionals," but we sort of forego bringing in a lot of pros and stick with our core group of idiots and one lighting genius. We write, shoot, edit in the timeframe allotted us and use what we call the "mind faucet" approach, where we literally don't think about anything until the second we receive our genre, prop, line of dialogue, and character....then we turn our minds on like a fucking faucet!

This year we pulled the SPY genre...our line of dialogue was "thanks for your help...thanks a lot"....our prop was a wallet...and our character was Frankie Mooney, DJ. We went ahead and did our traditional multi hour clusterfuck of shitty ideas until one thing makes us all laugh when a line is mentioned....when we laugh so hard it hurts our guts a little...we decide it's a good enough idea to run with and start crafting a story around it...usually this happens after midnight when we are already kind of goofy and delirous...so you never know if you were just laughing because you were in that mood or because it was actually funny.

So after a few hours of brainstorming and script "writing," we started talking logistics early in the am...our logistics involved creating a human hamster tunnel out of HVAC ducts and tubes in a few hours with no idea where to go and no money to do it with....needless to say...we quickly changed our approach after failures with cardboard, etc....In the morning, myself, the audio go, and shooter extraordinaire, mr. bloggy blog, took to the streets shooting exterior spy related shots...and let me tell you...when you have a camera and are filming in front of a federal building...people get suspicious...especially enormous hillbilly ladies....so then we went on a roof...good times.

Then our tube based ideology turned into a green screen ideology...or more like chroma constrution paper...that had turned more mint green over the years....and that eventially ripped and become semi-useless....but when the graphic guru said he could do it...I knew that he could not only do it...but he could immediately decide that it was impossible after giving us the go ahead...and semi-panic...then create somthing genius....pure gold. That's what he does. And super shooter bloggy blog dealt with our lack of crew...with me fumbling around deciding what I wanted...and a "helper" showing up 6 hours late...then leaving an hour later.

Our actors dealt with the lack of a traditional script...they dealt with a framework more than a script.....we kind of just kicked their asses in front of the lens and said..."alright...now be fucking funny!"

Anyway....the film turned out better than we could have expected...it's quirky and funny and interesting....it looks good...and a few people have even been fooled into thinking we shot in a duct system. The crowd reaction was awesome. We got a cheer after the film screened and the laughs at all the right places.

Top Ten Things I Hate to Hear at the Cardroom

2006-06-09T00:52:00.000-05:00

10. "I Can't win with good cards...so I'll win with slop".....for starters, go fuck yourself whiner! These are the people who play any craptastic hand poorly, suck out and river you, but when they lose with a real hand they decide it is because everyone else is a moron...thus giving them the excuse to play like a dillhole....times I've said it "one million"...my retort (a prolonged eye shut into a slow motion eye roll with a huge exaggerated sigh, followed by a card flicking)

9. "make it look like...." okay Johnny Poker...keep you cool lingo to yourself, dildo...time I've said it "once or twice"...my retort (a subtle head shake and grimace...and internal judgement)

8. "how could you call with that?" I HATE HATE HATE it when people decide how everyone should play...they don't understand why people play drawing hands in limit poker....for some...they don't give a shit about the money...for some...they care too much about money...for some...they don't know what they are doing....for some....they know exactly what they are doing...and who the fuck made this person the poker expert...why should everyone play the same cards the same way all the time....get fucked....times I've said it...."never" (I don't have the balls....see reaction to #10)...my retort "easy...I just grab chips and put them out"....also...."take it easy...play checkers"

7. "when I played at Binions/Tunica/Bellagio/Bicycle/any fucking big name casino..." we get it....you're a degenerate fucking gambling addict who goes from one fucking card room to the next...you know....living the dream.....you're a big shit....now shut your hole because nobody gives a shit....times I've said it "never"....my retort (hating said douchebag)

6. "I had to...it's my lucky hand"....in other words, I know I never should have been involved in this pot....and I played like a lucky douchebag who just fucked you out of your pot...but now I'm going to justify it with a lie....times I've said it "never...unless you count my J-6'ing to Joe"....my retort (see #9)

5. "I was pot committed"....for starters...half the people don't even know what that means...the other half always beat me...which sucks....times I've said it "more than a few"....my retort "a half hearted agreement"

4. "...sir..." when someone calls you sir....you can go ahead and replace that with fuckhead....times I've said it "at least once per cardroom visit"...my retort...(a smile)

3. "good call"....aka fuck you.....times I've said it "always"....my retort "a very snappy fuck you thank you"

2. (the vibration of my cell phone....it means my wife is pissed and wanting me to stop losing money and return home)

1. "they were suited" Get fucked....for starters make sure they actually were suited before ruining my life....secondly...Get fucked!.....times I've said it "more than I'd like to admit"...my retort (a shitstorm tantrum, followed by a trip to the bad beat cafe)

129-0...In Your Face Computer!

2006-06-04T23:09:00.000-05:00

MLB 2K6...so after one inning...I'm up 25 to nothing....after 2, 65-0...after 3, 97-0...BOOM! Season finale of the Sopranos interrupts the onslaught...F'ing Oakland Athletics...YOU SUCK! The fictitious Boston Red Sox led by a created player named after a 70's exploitation film sex criminal, Krug Stillo, at shortstop are murdering you. Sopranos rules...as does Big Love...my Sunday night staples...though nobody dies...though a head is literally kicked down a drainpipe.

Return and am obviously off my game...I only muster another 32 runs and my no-hitter is broken up in the 6th inning. When all is said and done...Manny hit 12 home runs....Ortiz had 19 RBI's....Nixon had 6 triples....the team had hit 75 home runs as a whole with 4 dudes hitting double digits...and all of this took place at Fenway Park....ndeauxsh...only 8 innings...home team! In your face, Artificial Intelligence....my wife even had the gaul of trying to interrupt me to do it....I was on the brink of 100 runs...duh...no way....I wonder if she'll do it now....probably not.

Also, my finger that was bitten by the strange mud vampire hurts like a motherfucker...I wonder if I'm going to turn into a werewolf or maybe a bird...that would rule!

Up to My Nuts in Mud...and bit by Something...IN MY FACE!

2006-06-03T23:22:00.000-05:00

Okay...so...apparently location scouting is dangerous. Now I know why nobody wants to do it and why the people who do actually do it...hate it.

Things have been progressing on the Owls music video front. I have been trying to finagle production insurance so I can rent a 35mm camera package and use park and rec locations...and today it seems like that problem may have finally gotten solved with the generosity of a local production company...we'll see if it works out. Anyway, with that problem seemingly solved I spent all day walking around lakes and creeks, getting eaten by bugs, and getting nature all over me...it was actually quite fun. I found a bunch of great spots...though not all of my locations...which scares the shit out of me...but that's another story for another time.

This story revolves around those disgusting legs you see at the top of this post. After a full day of walking and scouting...I dropped off some pictures to be developed and decided to check out one last place that I had shot a dopey zombie film at a number of years ago. I recall it being woods by a river...that's pretty much it. Apparently it also has man-eating mosquitos...dudes who laugh in your face....slippery slopes...and fucking quicksand......and mud creatures who murder your fingers.

So I find my first clearing by a little pond where 2 dudes are fishing and wearing zubas (seriously)...It is on a little slope that seems to be on solid ground....SEEMS....the solid looking ground is actually apparently camouflaged slip and slides as it turns into a mudslide...I bite the dust, land on my ass and proceed to start sliding towards the pond....but don't worry...I used my digital camera to break my fall...my enormous fall...so I am simultaneously trying to save my camera...stand up...and not slide into the water...and also subdue my rage towards the 2 dudes who are laughing right in my face so loudly that I can hear them over the pretentious shriekings of Glenn Danzig and the misfits blaring in my ipod. I eventually stop my downward slide...but can still not regain my footing as I am now fully engulfed by slippery mud on a slope....I crawl to a tree, whilst pretending that I can't see nor hear the 2 enormous dudes (thus the reason I'm ignoring them...as I would lose the fight...otherwise...I'd be writing this from jail) ridiculing me and try to look like I meant to fall down....so I snap a picture. In your face random dudes! I meant to do this...for a low angle...yeah...right....that's the ticket.

So after regaining upright status...and falling a few more times for good hilarity measure....I find a less slopey, muddy spot and wash of the blood and mud that has collected all over me...and try and clean off my camera....but I am determined to continue my scout....so I leave the douchebags who I have at this point already killed a dozen times in my mind...and head down another path that has a great area that works exactly for what I need....across the river I see some more dudes fishing....Now the fact that I saw birds feet about 6 inches deep in the ground should have tipped me off that something tragically hilarious was going to happen...but...then again...I'm one step above knuckle dragging, drooling, dipshittedness. I go ahead and jump down a small embankment onto a "beach"...that is actually apparently a giant trap for some midevil bloomington mudbeast. I land and am instantly up to my knees in mud....thinking it was just the jump coupled with my enormity...I continue on....and the next step is where I sink to my waist and decide that I am apparently going to be stuck in the mud...have to call my wife and give her detailed directions how to find me in the woods...so she can laugh her ass off at me before calling the fire department and DNR to crane me out of the quicksand....then I started getting a little nervous as to what was living in the fucking mud then I tried to move and lost my sneaker and "fell" (if by falling forward on your face whilst your already being held up at the waist by mud is falling)...so I figure the only thing to do is to try and get to a fallen tree and get on it and figure shit out....then something moved around my shin in the mud and I shit bananas...totally freak out and start fucking flaling aimlessly and making weird noises while watching the people across the lake just looking at this enormous man stuck in the mud...struggling uselessly....figuring they are laughing harder than they ever have...as i know I would be...

Okay...so the weird creature at my leg which in a split second I have decided is some sort of great white mud shark (kind of the same way you would get scared swimming in the deep end of the swimming pool after watching Jaws as a kid)/ 80 foot squid snake loch ness monster slime creature that is going to sting bite eat me....I have a vivid imagination...this all happens in the span of 1 second as I start freaking out...losing sneakers and falling in the mud quicksand...so I free myself sort of and move a step or two...sinking just as deep....but decide that I don't want to abandon the brand new brown SIMPLES I just got in the mail last week....so I reach back into the previous "footprint/black hole" I created and grab my shoe and get bitten by something on the pinky finger....freak the fuck out....heave the shoe a million miles into the woods in a panick and start run falling to the tree...until I finally get there....then tightrope it to the river to wash off the mud which has turned into a second skin...but the bite is bleeding a little and weirding me out....meanwhile....Craig Finn and the Hold Steady are asking me to cal them Freddy Knuckles and my ipod is still going...though a bit dirty.....

I wash up sort of....tightrope back off the tree to the woods again....find my other sneaker I had catapulted into the forest....and start walking back on a different path to avoid the dynamic dipshit duo in my filthy muddy socks...carrying my "sneakers"....or essentially these piles of mud with laces. I keep the headphones in...and the volume down so I can hear the "guess he went down the wrong path" remarks of mountain bikers as I pass....walking in the woods in socks hurts by the way...mainly your pride...but nonetheless it hurts.

So I get back to the car....ignore the staring of people as the mudman walks by them in his ridiculous socks...and head home. My finger didn't fall off...so whatever bit me isn't poisonous...and I don't have lockjaw...or the plague...all good things.

Minnehaha Creek Location Pics

2006-06-01T02:46:00.000-05:00

Okay...disregard unless you are interested in random location pictures...these are from Minnehaha Creek

Cedar Lake Location Pics

2006-06-01T02:35:00.000-05:00

Here are some pics taken in and around Cedar Lake

Brownie Lake Location Pics

2006-06-01T02:15:00.000-05:00

Bloomington Location Pics

2006-06-01T02:05:00.000-05:00

The Retarded Whistle Blowing, Boom Box 80's Style White Baller, Shit Crazy Weirdo: AKA The Return of the Failure

2006-05-19T10:45:00.000-05:00

Well, hey all. I've gotten borderline hate mail for not being very up to date on my blogging duties...so while I have a second, I thought I'd check in. I have been very busy with work as of late....hilariously awful work at times, but work none the less. Since my last visit I've been on about 4 different jobs each crazier than the next, until the job I'm on now, which is fairly mellow in comparison...allowing for this brief blog respite.

Let's start with Round 1: The Helicopter that Never Was.

To protect the innocent (namely me) I will be brief.....out of towners....lost locations...overages...rain....no sleep...the phrase "why would you shoot in a town like this if you can't get cut rates" (get F'd, lady)...more no sleep....pure hilarity overdrive.

Round 2: What Happens in Pepin, Stays in Pepin: Nerd Studios travel to Nerdland

So, I have been helping out a friend of mine on a dungeons and dragons nerd show thing and we went ahead and traveled to the sticks to do some location shooting recently and, oh boy did I have some great times. It was like summer camp for nerds...except you had to work long hours....for little pay....and listen to elves end sentences with "...stupid humans"....and then listen to humans end sentences with "...stupid elves"....and watch elves be gay....and dialogue be gay...and cool orcs...and no action....and carry heavy things...a lot....but at least the director was a dillhole who didn't know what he was doing, but was still a gigantic dildo. My buddy is pulling off a miracle just keeping the ship from sinking every day.

Round 3: A Retarded Guy Blowing a Whistle, Shooting Hoops, Holding a Boom Box to his Ear 80's Style...Literally!

So I have a new softball team this year, luckily....or I would literally have nothing to look forward to other than trying to break Hank Aaron's career home run record in one season with a created player named after an escaped sex criminal from a 70's horror film in a video baseball game. I was a little concerned if my shoulder I fucked up during the last game of football would hold up. See...I haven't had insurance for years and couldn't have it checked out...so I threw it in a sling for a few days and most likely made it worse...so now I busted it out to see if it works..................not really. It hurts like a mother fucker to throw and my arm strength is that of a 3 year old girl. Luckily, I was thrown at first base...so nobody noticed....and it doesn't hurt too bad to swing the bat.....so 2 for 5 with a bomb that was caught as they did the "big, fat guy move the outfield way back" routine and where right there to catch it....so then I switched to hitting line drives and drove 2 at the 3rd basement at about 150mph....he shit his pants...but apparently mine where the only 2 he decided to catch as he bobbled everything else..what a dick.

Well...we scored 18 runs and still lost by 7.....as you may have guessed....our defense is stellar!!! Catching is not our best attribute. Well all of this is not even the best part....the entire time we were there....a retarded gentleman was playing on the nearby basketball courts....but this tard was multi-tasking. He had a whistle firmly entrenched in his mouth and he would blow it at intervals of about every five seconds...while also balancing an enormous boom box on his shoulder blaring Brittney Spears into his ear a la 80's hip-hop dudes while sinking layup after layup....this guy was AWESOME! At the end of the game he moved to hitting a ball in the air with a wiffle ball bat.....shit crazy....absolutely shit crazy....it was fantastic.

Some People Are Fucking Dicks....and I Don't Know Why

2006-04-03T19:57:00.000-05:00

So...for starters...this is the greatest blog entry title ever...which is great because I've never done the greatest anything. I can't wait until I have the chance to say...please refer back to my earlier entry entitled "Some People Are Fucking Dicks...and I Don't Know Why."....boy, that day will be wicked sweet.

Anyway, what I was getting at with the title, "Some People are Fucking Dicks...and I Don't Know Why" is that...you know...some people are....just...um...you know....like Fucking Dicks... and I, um....ah...don't really know why. Actually, I mean that sometimes on set somebody is a real fucking cockknocker for no good reason other then either he and/or she is a total outright fucking slapnuts...and sometimes they are this way because they think it is the best way to work.

Now why anyone thinks that by consistently talking down to individuals as if they were a drooling booger pickin' moron or micromanaging every little thing you do and berating you in front of random strangers helps to make a shoot go smoother and create a better end product is beyond me....but, hey....some people are just fuckin' dicks....don't ya think?

The Return of Mr. Failure: AKA: I Just Nunchucked Myself in the Balls!

2006-03-31T16:17:00.000-06:00

Well....here it is...my week in review. So I managed to infiltrate 2 different jobs this week...both involving food (read boring). Well, seeming as I had spent my last 2 weeks as a fancy schmancy coordinator I was riding high....and also seeming as I am, indeed, cloaked in failure...I was bound to be skyrocketed face first into the ground to remind me that I blow and life itself has something against me.

So day number one goes as planned....nothing really happened at all....besides me picking up the truck....but that's where the fun ends.

Day 2: prep day and pre-pro meeting....for a PA, this means getting lunch...picking up all the materials....getting location supplies....doing runs for art department...basically lifting heavy things and carrying them from one place to another....my specialty.

So the begins fairly harmlessly with some basic unfortunate slaptick three stooges physical comedy....such as when I was loading a refrigerator into the cube truck....damned if I didn't whale my head against the door with all the force of a headbutt....now being as I'm kind of tall and always unaware of my surroundings...I do this quite regularly....so then towards the end of the refrigerator loading....a dolly drops on my foot...it takes me a few seconds to realize that it wasn't soft....this actually hurts....OUCH! FUCK! SHIT! COCK! BALLS!

So now my buddy has luckily been able to peruse all of this thus far as he was my heavy thing lifting partner. He was coordinating the job...but since it was me, a chick, and no other PA's...he drew the short straw....no offense to said chick or chicks in general. So we continue about our day and we're driving in the truck, which gets very hot very fast...so even though it is still early spring in Minnesota...I crack the window about a fucking inch....literally...so what happens....well, of course a rock shoots in through the small crack from a truck and nails me right in the face and again I had a "wo what the fuck just happened Ouch that hurt" pause...then AHHH, what the fuck....now my friend is starting to believe me when I say I'm cloaked in failure...while he laughs...in my face.

So continue on to the location...set rugs...do some stuff....do it wrong...forget some shit....drive her to there over and over again....and finally we are getting ready to shut it down for the night. We return to the office to take care of some loose ends and there is a ton of prop shit sitting on a table for another shoot. On the table are some fucking nunchucks....now my buddy starts fucking ndeauxsh, wham, flick, bam, spin, catch over shoulder, pose, nerd-chucking. I decide they are neat and just start swinging them like a retarded gorilla and quickly realize that I am dangerously close to fucking whaling myself in the face again...so I slow her down and spin it lower and WHOOOOSH! Full nut hit. I instantly growl and fall on my face to the floor cupping my genitals. My buddy at first thinks I'm goofing...but when chick comes out and I'm still writhing on the floor...he realizes...I am really a complete moron who just nunchucked himself in the testicles. It doesn't get any better than that.

Day 3: shoot day....a fucking sandwich....for 15 hours....I love this business...nothing too major happens except that I eventually roll my ankle moving a fridge because I suck at most things I do.

Day 4: wrap day....again...pretty eventless...except when I head home with the keys to the office and have to return after arriving at home...then I go to some post production facility open house where my social ineptitude quickly gets the better of me and I spend the night hiding in a room talking to exactly ZERO new people...in fact...the only people I knew there where the ones I went with....and someone gave me shit when I told them I don't drink...which I thought was a shit move...but fuck em'. I laughed in his face when he started calling me straight edge...have another mojito numbnuts! you look like a chick.

Something else retarded happened to me...but I can't remember now....so for now I'll leave at this....

meeting with the Owls this weekend about a video...am psyched.

Sweet Lord...What the Fuck Just Happened?

2006-03-25T22:54:00.000-06:00

So I've just returned from some sort of hilariously surreal nightmare in suburbia...and it's as if I was hit in the nuts by some sort of frozen midget who materialized out of thin air did a handstand in a toga outfit...gained a million pounds...then taught me how to play cards. Okay.. maybe not quite that weird...but weird.

So tonight was the night I went out with my wife to her friend's house for a little poker party. Now I had sort of previously met her work friends...but not her work friends of friends that she didn't know. Her friends are normal lawyery type lawyers....nice...sense of humor...all that. Now the auxilliary people is where it gets strange.

First off...nobody really knows how to play cards except my wife and I...then the $20 buy in becomes a $o buy in...I love it when that happens....gambling for not money is awesome. So though the wife and I are the only ones who know how to play...I really don't want to take charge in the tournament we are going to play as there is a 1000 lb. woman who has apparently taken a shine to poker recently and believes she knows everything...so I figure I'd let her do it. She doesn't. She just pokes in on what I'm doing wrong. I'm setting out chips for everyone else (10 whites=1each, 5reds=5each, 2 blues=10 each, 1 green=25) and then she tells me that in every other tournament they use seven red, seven black, and seven green. I am curious as maybe she's got it down...so I ask what tournaments those might be...and she says her VFW tourney....so I continue on doing what I was doing and explain how I'm setting it up to see if this way is okay with her, but we are interrupted by another couple smart enough to exit early and our friendly neighborhood annoying fat bitch (who we will call fat lady) gets up to annoyance that "oh, you guys have to Van Gogh?" ....... sweet fucking hell?

So while this is going on...her boyfriend (also known as creepy, too old to be here guy) was busy "teaching" one of my wife's friends, who had previously stated she knew how to play, what each card meant. Not only the ranking of hands....but the order of them....I shit you not. And he was serious. He even lined them up on the table for her and stated them out loud.... 2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-J-Q-K-A.........un-fucking-believable. My wife's friend can barely hide her contempt...which makes me laugh...he is treating her like she is 2...you know...how some old guys think all woman have the brain capacity of drooling four year old high on retard juice.

So we start playing...and the 2 geniuses are at the other table...but they keep calling out "advice" to their friends at our table...their advice is wrong...but that's besides the point. They eventually head over to our table and I am immediately involved in a pot against fat lady. She has somehow gotten her hands on some chips. I raise the pot 4 times the big blind with K-Q suited....she calls and everyone else folds. Flop comes K-9-9 rainbow....I bet 50...she calls angrily like I'm trying to bully her...she gives me the old I'm a poker genius look...turn comes 5. I bet another 50...she calls again....river comes 2....I go all in...she calls and flips her cards immediately as if she has me annihilated...she has K-J....I flip over my K-Q and start to drag the pot....and she announces to the table (as our resident poker expert) how this is a split pot and starts to explain it to one of the ladies who knows nothing about poker, so I correct her and tell her that I have a higher kicker and she retorts "oh you play that way?"............what the fuck? Play what way? The correct way? So I say, "what do you mean?"....she answers "well yeah different places do that differently...and lots of times it's a split pot." I tell her how that I'm pretty sure kickers always play but that I'd be happy to split the pot with her if she wants. She says no and explains to the other lady how the whole kicker thing doesn't make any sense...

Well...okay...works for me........please get me the fuck out of here.........well the wife is pushing me to get off the computer so she can play her Sims...so the story is a little rushed...but rest assured this crazy lady was crazy hilarious...you should have seen her trying to shuffle chips....pure genius.

Outed....AGAIN!

2006-03-19T19:45:00.000-06:00

Those electricians are so sneaky. So as the 2 or 3 of you who actually read this assignment in anger management which is this blog know...I don't tell too many people about this blog as I have no self esteem...and, well, less friends.

Well, as my friend at good old minnesotabucks.com did before, my friend Wilson has let people know this little place on the web exists. Wilson was the one who shot my short, Zombie Dodgeball. He is great shooter and great gaffer, et al. and he has just started blogging. So go ahead and check it out here.

McDonald's 2 Lap Derby...aka WTF?

2006-03-12T14:57:00.000-06:00

So you'd think I could go a day without a bizarre occurence...but apparently that just isn't feasible. So after a rousing night of cards at a friend's house I head home and realize that I haven't eaten and since it is closing in on 2am...I have very few options...so McDonalds it is. I mean...I'm not fat enough as it is...so why shouldn't I eat food with 1 million grams of fat right before going to bed so my body can go ahead and not burn up any of the calories...that will surely thin me right up.

So anyhoo...seeming as it is 2am...I am the only person in sight at the drive thru. I order a fantastic #2 and some food for my wife. Now I always throw them for a loop when I ask for no onions....it's as if that request is spoken in a dead druid language or something...because it always confuses them and normally doesn't happen.

So I drive up to the the second window...give the nice bag lady my money...she gives me our drinks then asks me to drive around again as the fries aren't done yet....??? What the fuck? In what world does this make any sense? There is nobody in line behind me....nobody else there actually besides me....I ask why? She says that the fries aren't quite done yet. I said I could just wait for them...she then asked me to drive around again as if I had again spoke in Swahili. I said I could just pull forward and wait...this is the new approach at my McDonalds...wether it is busy or not...you don't wait at the window...they ask you to pull up and park so they can keep the line moving...then they bring your food out to you....even if you get only a shake or something...this in itself I find fucking annoying and pointless...but why the lap?

So I ask if I should just pull up and she now says, "Sir, could you just go around again please"... all pissed off. So...well...I do it....As I am doing it I literally laugh out loud and wonder what the fuck I am doing. I return to the window and nobody is there...it is another couple of minutes and I start to think I busted in on a robbery or something and I am a moron (which I am, but that's besides the point). Then the crazy pissed lady returns with my food...hands it to me...and I head home. WTF?

Guilty Pleasures

2006-03-11T12:44:00.000-06:00

So after watching a weekend of cheesy action flicks the other weekend...it got me thinking of some of my guilty cinematic pleasures....hey, I've got a blog...I can put shit like that together for no reason to open myself up to more ridicule....DONE!.....SOLD!....without further ado...
Rounders (1998, starring Matt Damon, Edward Norton, John Malkovich, and John Turturro)

Now, I know it might be odd to see a guilty pleasure list starting off with a film including some very fine actors such as Norton, Turturro, and Malkovich...well, because, frankly, this film is a little cheesy. It has become this generation's Caddyshack, being quoted everywhere from college homegames (or dormgames) to cardrooms, to major tournaments. You know you've found a complete loser when you are at a cardroom and he starts impersonating Teddy KGB (Malkovich), and the biggest insult you can shove at someone at a card table is calling him Matt Damon.

With this all said, I really enjoy this film and have a hard time shutting it off when it pops up on a cable channel. I just try to keep my quoting and Rounders goofing to private fella time. Edward Norton is just about the finest American actor working today and he is truly slimy and affable as Worm. Damon is not even the vaguest bit believable as a spend all night in the smoky confines of an illegal card club high stakes gambler type at all...he is fully tanned with his boyish good looks...these dudes are generally out of shape, pale, and FUGLY.

Malkovich is hysterical as Teddy KGB...if not wholly unbelievable...and Gretchen Mol is downright annoying...but hey, wouldn't we all like to think that there is some Jewish law professor who barely knows us that is willing to right a check for $10,000 to us in the middle of the night to help bail us out of getting our legs broke...There aren't many more happier endings than Mike (Damon) catching a taxi to the aiport where he intends to "make a run at it" by entering the WSOP with his 3 stacks of high society riding with him in his bag.

It may not be the most embarrassing entry in the list...but it's one that I keep the quietest while playing at the cardroom...."sorry John...I don't remember."
Commando (1985, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, and Alyssa Milano)

Alright...this is what this list is all about....cheesy action flicks. And this flick is just that...with lord of the action flicks, Arnold Schwarzenegger. It starts off with one of my favorite character actors and a quality director as well, Bill Duke, jumping off the back of a garbage truck with a partner and airating some poor dumb bastard excessively with their sub machine guns....whilst quipping a great one liner.

The story than continues down a familiar path with John Matrix (Schwarzenegger) having retired from his ultra top secret bad ass special forces unit so he could spend more time with his daughter (Milano)...he is, of course, forced back into duty to save said daughter almost immediately...and turned into an outlaw at the same time...

Many kick ass chase scenes ensue...missiles are launched...baddies are dealt with accordingly...the love intereste is kidnapped yet falls for her captor...knives are thrown into people...Dan Hedaya pretends to be some Columbian drug lord or some shit...and Matrix gets into a great "final battle" with his arch nemesis and ex compatriot Bennet...where he finishes him off with a pipe through the chest and tells Bennet to "stick around" (in Schwarzenegger gobbledy-gook). When Matrix takes on a seemingly entire village of criminals singlehandedly...that's when this flick is at its zenith.
Predator 2 (1990, starring Danny Glover, Gary Busey, Maria Conchita Alonso, and Bill Paxton)

Now the original Predator is too well loved a film to be called a guilty pleasure. Fans of Sci-Fi, Action, Horror, etc. all enjoyed the film...and it has aged okay. Predator 2 has not received the same sort of support....maybe because it is lacking Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger's character from the original), maybe because of Gary Busey's presence, maybe because it is a touch cheesy. I personally think it has a touch of that future gone violently amok Verhoeven Robocop feel to it...which always creeps me out a bit.

This film finds the title creature hunting in the urban decay of Los Angeles amidst a full on gang war. Danny Glover plays an "I'm getting too old for this shit" type of detective who takes on the case fighting the Predator as well as Gary Busey and his FBI agents...The best scene in this film set up a decade and a half wait for a terrible Alien vs. Predator film...the end shows the alien's ship with trophy bones including the skull of an alien warrior...it gave fanboys goosebumps for years until Paul Anderson ruined the idea with his PG-13 shitfest.
Krull (1983, starring Ken Marshall, Lysette Anthony, and Liam Neeson)

Now we're talking...cheesy sci-fi, midevil, swords and scorcerers, action packed saturday afternoon fantasy fun. Okay...so there are quite a bit of cheesy special effects, bad dialogue, and nonsensical plot points...but there is also a great bit of acting (mixed in with some shitty acting)...I say that if you have Brits acting poorly they still seem to be doing it right compared to Americans...it's got to be the accent.

There are giant creepy clear spiders, a five bladed throwing star boomerang weapon thing called a glaive (don't hate me for remembering that), a disappearing spaceship the size of a mountain called the black fortress, creepy bad minion dudes with crazy masks and laser staffs, Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltraine, and a friendly bad ass cyclops named Rell.

So you may feel a little gay watching some fantasy swordplay sci-fi adventure involving a resuce mission of a princess...but get over it...the action is quite good....the sets and cinematography will certainly give Star Wars a run for it's money and the score is kick ass.
The Final Destination Films (2000, 2003, 2006 starring Ali Larter and Tony Todd)

So this is a group of three films including the original Final Destination, the 2003 sequel, and 2006's trilogy finale. Now, you have heard me speak over and over about how much new teen horror movies are pure crap...they have no soul...nothing to say....are watered down bubble gum WB stars dying while you care nothing for them or the situation....these films are all that. So why do you ask do I like them...because sometimes I get off my high horse and just enjoy some mindless gobbledy gook with kick ass death scenes. Yep, that's about it....I don't give a shit about the whole "wrinkle in death's design" bullshit story they put in...or how they cheated death, etc., etc....in fact, what could make these films better is if they edited everything out except the elaborate disaster sequence that begins each film...and the subsequent kick ass crazy death scenes...and they are typically very gruesome

So again...sue me...even the horror high brow son of a bitch which is me takes a break for some fun...I even saw 3 in the theater...on opening day. I'm so gay.
Hard to Kill (1990, starring Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, and William Sadler)

Now...this is one I am truly embarrassed to say that I can't shut off when it's on tv....this thing sucks and I know it....the acting bites....the story is tired...the writing is shit....the music is awful (even with a porny type horn solo for the "love" scene between LeBrock and Seagal)...and the action isn't all that great...but fuck do I enjoy a good revenge flick or a bad one for that matter.

This story is ridiculous...Seagal plays Mason Storm...that's right his character's name is MASON fucking STORM!....do you believe that shit...did the screenwriters just go to the local adult video store and find the best male porn name or what?...MASON STORM catches a dirty politician (William Sadler) on tape making seedy deals...he then stops in at a gas station to get some beer and damned if he doesn't thwart a robbery and pull the patented break a guy's arm by pushing it the wrong way technique...he then returns home where the politician's cohorts race in and kill his wife and put him into a ten year long coma....

His buddy...irish cop, Lt. Kevn O' Malley (I fucking shit you not...fucking O'MALLEY)...who says things like "you take care kid" and shit like that...hides Mason's son away and leaks a story that Mason has died to keep the thugs from finishing the job...

Years pass and his nurse....the sexbomb (prior to her stint on celebrity fit club) drool nurse (yeah that would happen), Kelly LeBrock takes special care of Storm and then on the day that his enemies find out he is alive and come to kill him....DAMNED if he doesn't wake from his coma the same exact day and LeBrock takes him away to her lush pad in the hills to recuperate.

He does some eastern philosophy bullshit and heals himself almost immediately, meets back up with O'Malley, learns his kids alive, fucks LeBrock, then says the greatest line in the history of cheesy action movies...I shit you not...THE GREATEST.

Let me set it up for you...before Storm was gunned down, when he was videotaping the corrupt politician...he heard the politician state very obviously "and you can take that to the bank."... so as he was healing at R.N. Sexbomb's palatial estates he hears his old friend...now running for governor or some such shit...on the television with a commercial for his campaign and he states his line "and you can take that to the bank" again...now it is his campaign slogan or some such nonsense....well Storm's brain slowly starts grinding into gear and he puts 2 and 2 together and realizes who killed his family....so Storm, alone in a room, slowly cocks his head and stares down at the television...squints his eyes and proclaims...."I'll take you to the bank alright...the blood bank." ...................................that is FUCKING genius.........just perfect....ship it. It doesn't get any better than nonsense like that.

Storm continues on and never even gets hit through the entire film...not fucking once....Seagal is the only action star where I don't ever recall seeing him get hit...he is such an egomaniacal dildo that he won't allow himself to get even touched...because...it would never happen...he's too badass. And for as much shit as I give him...he makes it on this list twice...I'm a sucker for his shitty films.
Stargate (1994, starring Kurt Russell and James Spader)

This is a film that, despite the spinoff tv show, is universally hated. I don't know why...well, okay, I do know why...but I like it anyway. I hate James Spader...HATE...but I love Kurt Russell (not gayly...but LOVE). I hate films with child dictator evil people...but yet...I continue to love this film. The space meets ancient egypt mumbo gumbo is very intriguing to me...and what can I say...I'm a sucker for a big budget Roland Emmerich shitfest.
Jason X (2001, starring Kane Hodder)

Okay...this goes against my high horse horror is art approach to cinema as well...as this is pretty much the furthest fucking thing from that. This is the 9th sequel to a formulaic stalk and slash guy in a mask horror flick...it is the quintissential slasher film series...now how do you make the series even more tired and more of a laughing stock...send your mindless masked killing machine into space in the future...and add in a little pseudo-science with cyrogenic freezing...I love it. This is the formula for how not to make an effective horror film. Here's the rub...I enjoy this film despite the hilariousness which is just the thought of it.

I can enjoy a film for what it is sometimes...and this is a mindless dopey slash em horror film that doesn't even attempt to take itself seriously and even pokes fun at itself via a "hologram" scene...again...this phrase seems to come up over and over again during this post...but...I shit you not...a hologram of a stereotypical crystal lake...with the woods and cabins and nake lesbian chicks doing it....so Jason can go apeshit bananas and kill them.

The kill scenes are creative...the frozen head crush is repulsively fantastic...there are tits...which I tend to like to look at...there are android chicks with guns...and even a special appearance by director extraordinaire, David Cronenberg...now we're talking.

The Exorcist this film is not....I mean Slumber Party Massacre this film is not for Christ's sakes.. but it is what it is...and it's a fun, mindless horror film.
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995, starring Steven Seagal, Eric Bogosian, Everett McGill, and Morris Chestnutt)

Now I would have picked the original Under Siege film...but that one isn't quite as embarrassing to enjoy...lots of people find that one a guilty pleasure...what with a playboy playmate and all...but I prefer the continuation of the adventures of the ex navy seal special ops (sound familiar) bad ass whatever the fuck turned navy chef badass.

The sequel leaves the aircraft carrier behind and the action takes place on a passenger train with one of my favorite character actors, Everett McGill, playing a villainous mercenary hired by a terrorist group led by Bogosian. Bogosian intends to launch some fucking Tesla death ray type thing with his satellite launch bullshit, blah, blah, blah....who gives a shit? Seagal roams in and outside of the train kicking ass and taking names. As much as I hate Seagal...apparently I am also an unabashed fan.
Tango and Cash (1989, starring Kurt Russell, Sylvester Stallone, Teri Hatcher, and Jack Palance)

Here it is....the ultimate guilty pleasure action flick. Two action stars tag up in a buddy cop flick with cheesy lines and cheesy action. I fucking love it. You'll even find many stereotypical action movie bad guys such as Brion James, James Hong, Phillip Tan, and Robert Z'dar. It really is a kick ass action cast.

The story is of two rival cops set up by rival gang members who team up to put their nemesis' away. The 2 cops (Russell and Stallone) go to jail...get tortured, break out, then get revenge. All the while there are some juicy anti-gay jokes, racist stuff, crazy action, prison jokes...you know...all the typical male bullshit....but the film is kickass. With crazy stupid lines.

The Remake Contradiction

2006-03-10T14:59:00.000-06:00

Okay...so I am a bit of a riddle wrapped in a mystery with enigma mayonnaise...but who gives a shit. It's my brain and I can spout whatever nonsense I feel like. As most of you know, I am a bit of a horror connoisseur...more specifically the modern horror film...and even more specifically...I am a sucker for pretty much any horror film made from the seventies. It was the best decade for cinema in general as far as I am concerned....but I'm getting ahead of myself.

A lot of my favorite films, and especially horror films, of all time were made in that decade....and that is when a great many of my favorite directors were getting started and doing their best work. In recent years, Hollywood has re-discovered some of these gems...and realized there are a lot of nerds like me out there who love these films and hold them in the highest regard...so what do they do?...they exploit us and the films.

Now I have had mixed emotions about the whole idea of doing these films as well as the films themselves. I enjoyed the remake to Dawn of the Dead and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but only in a sort of fun, horror, popcorn movie type of way. They didn't do justice to the originals and didn't hold any of the raw power or social commentary of their predecessors. I liked the idea that some of my favorite filmmakers were receiving checks to have their visions butchered...that's nice...but it was a bit like walking over someone's grave...even though I enjoyed the films.

Now the fact of the matter is that my favorite film of all time, John Carpenter's The Thing, is in fact a remake in and of itself...so when some of his best films Assault on Precinct 13 and The Fog were remade...I couldn't bark too much....but I did. I mean come the fuck on what more could be added to those films...they were perfect. The former turned out okay, but was watered down, and the latter I couldn't even bring myself to see as the trailer even sucked ass.

Then there was When A Stranger Calls....another one that I couldn't even fucking stomach the thought of viewing...mainly do to the shit terrible trailer.

Well, then came the word that another one of my favorites, Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes, was being remade. My initial reaction was outrage again...but then I heard Craven was personally producing it and shepherding it through the thickets. Then I heard that he had personally picked Haute Tension director Alexandre Aja to helm the redux. Now you've all heard me rave about Haute Tension as I think it is one of the finest directed horror films I've seen in years. It is a truly genius horrific masterpiece...so I thought that there was nobody better to take the reigns of the remake of such a gritty unrelenting horror flick.

The problem often with remaking films from the seventies is that today's director's are obsessed with their films looking ultra polished....seventies horror films were not ultra polished...they were gritty, choppy at points, unrefined, and unrelenting. Aja's films have a bit of that unrefined beauty...Also, though I love the original Hills...it did have areas where it could be improved upon...and I think Craven realized that. Well, I have just returned from seeing the remake and I don't know if I will take the stance that the original was improved in the remake...but I will say that the remake kicked ten types of ass.

The film was as I expected...a great story and concept in the hands of a great director. Aja took the groundwork laid by Craven and knocked it out of the park. The film is as gory as his first film...and one of the hardest R's I've seen in the theater in a long time...but the gore isn't the story....it is how he builds his framework of terror. The story is altered in only very small ways and the only thing that bothered me is that the sawney beane hill people in this one, though good and certainly looking better, were not as well acted as the previous installment. There was an air of innocence in Michael Berryman and his cohorts...this film was missing that...with the exception of the Ruby character who remains the same.

This film had suspense, great acting, and great character development (I truly cared about the characters), and of course Craven's great story. The makeup was fantastic, the sets and setting were great, and this was an all around horror masterpiece, and not just a remake of a horror masterpiece. The film was so visceral and so successful at what it was attempting to capture...I noticed an elderly couple leave during the classic mobile home invasion scene...though I did wonder what the hell they were doing there in the first place...then a few more left. It was great and refreshing to see people that were left unprepared for this type of horror from years of watered down bubble gum horror. Congrats Aja...you've made another gem....and Craven...you've succesfully dodged the horror remake hurdle. Now...let's talk about that Last House on the Left remake you are planning on...despite everything I've just written...color me skeptical on the ability to re-capture that film's raw realism in today's marketplace....but I've been surprised before.

Go F yourself, Dildo!

2006-03-09T17:02:00.000-06:00

So...you know it must be baseball season again when I'm already getting into nearly physical altercations with complete strangers at gas stations. I wish it were a joke....at least I was alone as not to embarrass my friends or mortify my wife. Let me set the situation up for you.

It's Wednesday evening...I am filling up a cube truck with gas after having finished a long day of returns for a commercial shoot. It was a lot of heavy lifting of furniture, driving, lying to customer service representatives who looked at me as if I was trying to kidnap their only child when I tried to return hundreds of dollars worth of luggage and shit. So I was tired and this was my last task before returning the truck and heading home.

So I finish filling the tank and start heading in to pay when out comes some guido looking douchebag with some sort of white man jerri curl mullet and what appeared to be pajama bottoms and a cigarette leather jacket....as an aside...who the fuck gets these? even if you save up enough camel cash or whatever the fuck it is....why get a fucking leather jacket with the logo of your favorite cigarette on it....what a dillhole.....

Anyway, he is coming out as I am heading in...I am wearing my trusty Red Sox cap....guido sarducci must have noticed and stated "Johnny Damon!" then paused momentarily...I looked up at him and started to sort of nod my head to acknowledge him and his apparent knowledge that there is a game called baseball...and in that game their are players who play...and one of those players is Johnny Damon...and he recently played for my Sox. As I looked up and started to nod....he then added "...centerfield for the Yanks, baby!" and gave me the ol' horned hand number of the beast double fisted hand salute.
Okay....2 things: first....who actually does this? not as a goof? what a fucking dickface. Secondly....what a FUCKING DICKFACE!!! Who goes out of their way to goad random strangers into confrontations?....you know...who besides me anyway?

So, obviously, this could and would not stand...I quickly retorted with a mildly cocked head "Go Fuck Yourself, Dildo!" You see I was tired and in no mood for an extra from Repo Man giving me shit about the sox...plus it is still a touchy subject....you see Johnny is a bit of a cult figure for red sox nation....or was more appropriately...now he continually shits on us....I choose to remember this Johnny...
...you know the guy who hit this historic grand slam in game 7 of the 2004 ALCS....I choose not to know the new, sellout, clean shaven, meterosexual, Steinbrenner seed of satan version of Johnny D....in fact...he sucks...
so...anyhoo...obviously dildo mcfuckface didn't realize he had just hit the launch button on the cloaked in failure machine that is me....so after my quick curse filled retort...he stopped, shrugged his shoulders, squinted his moron eyes and said and I quote "what the fuck, dude?"...I never stopped walking as I was in no mood to go to jail for fighintg....though this dude had the body shape I did after several years of abusing junk...I think another harsh word may have given him a black eye....so as continued walking I just answered..."just keep walking, numbnuts"...true, this wasn't my finest hour of retorts...but as I stated...I was tired and in no mood for this shit....he did as requested and he was no where to be seen when I came back out of the gas station....probably because he stealthly followed me home and is currently biding his time outside my house until he whips out his navy seal sharpshooter training and brains me while I sleep.

Either way...fuck that guy...fuck the yankees...and I am going to be murdered outside a gas station some day because of an inane argument that I escalate because I have a significant boston athletics problem...mix in some anger issues maybe as well....until next time, I leave you with a great yankee joke taken from a great site...www.yanks-suck.com....a very catchy title I must say...anyway, here goes:

A New York family of Yankees fans heads out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop, the boy picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan, and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday." His big sister is outraged and whacks him and says, "Go tell Mom!" He takes the jersey to his mother and she says, "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday." She whacks him on the head and says "Go tell your father!" "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm a Red Sox fan and would like this jersey for my birthday." He whacks his son in the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" On the car ride home the father turns to his son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today." The son replies, "I sure did! I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you fuckin' Yankee bastards!"

I love this story mainly because it is true....I actually do hate Yankees fans. I think it is a bad quality to have....what kind of a human being can root for those shit bags...it makes me ill to be around Yankee fans....this is why I can't stomach organized religion...I hate too many people for too many petty reasons.

A Show Worth Leaving the House for....The Owls are Amazing.

2006-03-05T00:56:00.000-06:00

So as you all know....I am a loser. I rarely if ever leave my house to do anything besides see the latest horror flick at the cinema or pick up some dopey collectible (read dolls) at the comic book store. Now this said...there are 2 bands that can still get me out to a show...the first is The Hold Steady, and the second is the band I've just returned from seeing this evening, The Owls. Now
you've all heard me rave about The Owls as they are one of my favorite 2 or 3 bands playing today....that said, I have never had the pleasure of catching them live up until tonight. Since I was finally turned on to The Owls a couple of years ago...their shows and my schedule have never jived. This is odd....because usually my schedule consists of watching reruns of Law and Order: SVU (I'm a sucker for Fin Tutuola being bad ass)...but for some reason the 5 times I've ever done anything over the past few years have been on the same nights as Owl shows.

Well, for the past few months, I've been checking their site religiously watching their show listings page...waiting for a new date to show up...but since they have been working on their record...no shows. I bug Allison every time I see her about it....I must be real annoying. Well, finally I got an email that there would be a show....luckily someone told me...because it wasn't on their site. BOOM! Ship it! Owls show.....the day of....I get on the guest list....which to me still makes me feel like a rock star. Back when I went to shows all the time...I felt like I belonged their....now I feel like the dufey dude in the baseball hat who doesn't belong...so when I get on the list...I feel a little more like I belong....plus I didn't have to pay....which is nice for a poor schmo like me.

Well...I caught the last half of the set of the band prior to The Owls taking the stage...and they were a pretty good band in their own right. I normally don't like anything I hear these days...but they were fun...unfortunately I can't remember their name...but hey...nobody reads this thing anyway.

Then the moment of truth...The Owls took the stage and proceeded to blow me away just as their first album did and the few songs I've heard from the new album have. It was crazy watching the four of them play musical chairs on stage. Allison started on the piano...with Maria on guitar and lead singing....Brian on bass...and John on drums...by the end of the night...Allison had stood on all 4 places...even hopping on drums once to let John play some bass...Brian and Maria each took turns on piano, guitar, and bass as well. The greatest part of The Owls to me is their flexibility and collaborative nature...3 "lead" singers taking turns with the others providing a wall of backup harmonies that really make the songs so lovely. It is a sort of stripped down orchestration that is really beautiful. They have a very happy, fun mood with a serious edge.

Anyway, they began their set by playing material from their new record...some I had heard...such as "The Way On"....and some I hadn't. This made the night all the more enjoyable. I got to get out and not only hear my favorites played live...but I got to catch a glimpse of some new material. This group is so multi faceted that I am really hoping they decide to do a music video with me and my filmmaking partners...and I hope we can knock it out of the park for them as much as they have for fans of music. I can't wait for their new album...but I think that the time they take is obviously well worth it.

Guns, Wind Chill, 3 Dance West Virginny Tuna Trails, and Stupid Dockers! AKA: Death Camp 2006

2006-03-01T18:14:00.000-06:00

So YES...I am, indeed, very slow in updating my blog. And one of the big misadventures your tragically useless host wandered into since our last discussion was a session of winter camping. Now, you see, this retarded idea was gestated in the cozy confines of an enormous, warm, garage (read carhole) in the midst of a sweaty summer night.

A compatriate of mine insisted that this winter he wanted our fearless, northern woodsman, life snuffing, outdoors leader take us on a trip with a high "severity index" and something that could potentially kill us...but not quite. Well...actually it was for him...but it quickly turned into us...as I am nobody's pussy....well, maybe I am...but I only admit defeat through incessant whining.

So, anyway...somehow our heroic woodsman leader had tapped into the Farmer's Almanac telepathically and was able to maneuver our trip somehow to the coldest weekend of the year...Night One had lows reaching -15 degrees....or in laymans turns: SHIT FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY COLD! As I was packing and preparing to leave on Friday morning, my wife was watching the news...and damned if the ol' weatherman didn't just go ahead and say that there was a ten minute bare skin to frostbite ratio transpiring...he then mentioned to go ahead and not go outside unless absolutely necessary.....or hey, why don't we go hang out by fucking Canada outdoors in the woods and see what happens...but don't forget to bring some frozen donuts and beer!

Boom! So myself, our fearless woodsmen animal murderer and finder of animal elements left as gifts for hunters (read garbage collectors) to search endlessly for then find, and the expeditions original mastermind set out on a 4 hour car ride to a frozen hell early....whilst our other 2 fellow headcases will be joining us after work.....imagine that....they had the balls to NOT skip work. What douchebags! No commitment.

So the ride was much like I imagine purgatory....a jovial trip amongst friends with much goofing, a dog intermittently climibing on you, sticking his freshly defecated anus in your face, and then going night night on your lap,...all while you wait for the inevitable nightmare which is in your immediate future....you can't escape it....NO, you've already passed Glensheen Estates and there is no turning back now....

So while we made our way along the beautiful shores of Lake Superior...we noticed a strange phenomenon we dubbed "Lornadoes".....or lake tornadoes. You see, the frigid icy waters of Lake Superior were WARMER than the air above it making for a nice frigid steam that crept upon the lake like fog....and sometimes it turned into funnel clouds that reached into the sky. You would think this may be a warning to some people to TURN BACK NOW! like in old haunted house movies....either that or it was a sign to pull the fuck over.....get out....and walk out on some rock peninsula thing to get a better look and a nicer spot for a photo....the very photo you see at the beginning of this entry. Well....I didn't quite get out there as I decided it was as good a time as any to start getting suited up for battle. You see....to this point I was still dressed for a nice comfort automobile road trip....you know, long underwear and my wool socks...but only sweatpants....well, now it was time for the big guns....the bibs, coats, hats, gloves, sweatshirts, napalm repellant, face masks, et. al. By the time I was suited up the other two were already returning...and while returning, they had to continually walk backwards as the wind in their faces was FUCKING UNBEARABLE....I learned this when I met them about halfway and started walking back.

We continued on up the highway until we stopped for a nice little lunch at this quaint mom and pop restaraunt on the side of the road....I mean, there are definately plusses to heading out of the big city and seeing these small town places....anyway, this place was called McDonald's and it had a lovely #2 with 2 cheeseburgers and a cherry pie with some apparently very hot innards as I was politely warned on the box. While we filled our belly with our potential last supper, we were swearing loudly at times...okay probably I was swearing loudly...and we started to wonder if the elderly at the next table were getting upset...they seemed prim and propper as the lady had her fucking knapkin on her lap as if this place was the Ritz....well we were mistaken. The man ingeniously deduced that we were prepared for the outdoors as we were dressed as if the inside of McDonalds was the fortress of solitude. He asked if we were working outside and when we told him no he retorted, "Good, cause I was back at Deluth and got out to piss and HOLY BALLS! It burns!"..................okay............well, that's weird.....but in a hilarious way....okay, old guy.....you are now my favorite part of the trip thus far....touche.

So we arrive during the brightest part of the day, when the sun is offering its most protection, and we walked to the cabin....which I was envisioning as the Norwegians bombed out shack from The Thing, you now all falling apart, with holes in the walls, and ice and snow invading every porous opening....and a frozen Swedish dude at a desk where he slit his wrists...but the blood and himself froze to quickly...so he didn't really bleed out....

Well the cabin was actually a pleasant surprise. It still resembled some shack in the woods where I would be either murdered by a young boy who was wronged and came back from the dead, or a mental institue, or retardation...donned a mask of some variety...and took his revenge on a group of people who vaguely resemble those who wronged him.........or maybe by a group of demons conjured up by reciting ancient incantations of the dead, or witches, or some shit....anyway, I was probably going to die...but more likely much more mundanely....via freezing to death.
So we unpacked in the kwasi-non freezing daytime...I even took my jacket off for a few seconds and sat on the "porch"...they I figured I would break it via being fat...so I headed back inside. Now there was no electricity in this bitch so there was some urgency to get a fire going...you know...to keep us alive from dying a cold death.....well, our fearless woodsmen....is a fucking fantastic death keeper awayer....he did it all weekend....even after passing out from alcohol consumption....its as if he has a "we're going to die" alarm in his head....I, in fact, do not have said alarm...and my body would just embrace the sweet, icy comfort of death as opposed to wake up and move.

So we start our "vacation" off by getting to fucking work....cutting up fucking life giving trees that would keep us from snuffing it, ripping said trees from the ground, dragging them to the cabin. These activities suit me fine...as I'm a short distance type guy....I'll muscle the shit out of some crap and move it small distances....where I get into trouble is when I carry it for a long while....then the heart starts to want to die amidst all of the pastrami grease.

Eventually we are up and running...the fellas are getting pig drunk, I'm drinking quasi-frozen sodas....and we are eating bags of various frozen chips...until we decide its dinner time. We move the pot of coffee we've been percolating for 6 hours to no success so we can cook up some frozen beef stew....many hours later...I tire and go to bed prior to the big stew unveiling....I figure I'll either wake up when the other 2 show (they got a very late start due to chics...they always get in the way of sacking up for a non-gay, frozen, man weekend....or I'll die in my sleep and would never know it anyway....either way, I could shut my eyes for a while...or forever.

The dudes do finally arrive...we do some goofing...then its back to sleep...fully dressed...with gloves, et. al. All in all my first day of winter camping (or any camping for that matter) wasn't too bad...much goofing...much laughing....much freezing....no dying....and hilarious environmental wrongdoings added to our repetoire of material for years to come.

DAY 2: We wake....drink coffee....yes...it works this time....goof....then....BOOM! back to work. We start cutting more trees....dragging them up cliffs....dragging them to the cabin....breaking axes....there is even a brief hike in knee deep snow...where I almost died from being out of shape...but look at what we were chasing...
...pretty cool, huh? Well we made it about 50 steps....I fell into some hole up to my chest....we kept on...then the others got tired....then we returned....to do some work.

Finally....my time had arrived....time to get in a car and travel....get more axe handles....beer, etc.....then its off to go ice fishing. Now this is a pasttime I had embibed in previously in my life...back in good ol' Massachusetts....at a little place we called Lake Winnapasaukee....now ice fishing in my mind is....drilling a hole in the ice (preferably with a power auger), putting a line in there with a dead fish or worm or some shit of some variety, and waiting for a flag to pop up signifying that you have done something correctly....then you grab the fish...and BINGO! Happy Fun Time. All my goofing aside, I figure any activity I ever do with my buddies is simply a zero point from which all goofing arises...so I could give two shits about what we do...its the goofing that I enjoy...and will enjoy anyway, anywhere.

So we arrived at our lake...and headed out...
We then started to drill our holes....with a non-powered auger....which takes a lot of energy...especially if you are one cheese coney away from the sweet surrender of death. We drill some holes, put some already frozen dead worms on hooks, stick them in the hole, stick our flags in....and NDEAUXSH......wait....well actually first...I feign death in hopes that we will just head back to the cabin and play cards, get wasted (well not me, but they), and goof.
Well...my plan didn't work...but lying on the ice like a dead frozen beached whale was very relaxing. I lay there for about ten minutes until I almost fell asleep and figured that would suck....then I heard our hearty woodsman's hearty woodsdog running my way...so I figured as everyone would....it's time to pretend you're a dog and dogplay...
Well...the dog won....and I took it very hard...so I headed to shore where our fearless leader of all people was petitioning to get the fuck out of this area so we could eat brats and drink adult beverages.....he kept his mind of it by....you guessed it....WORKING....we gathered trees and set them on fire....it was kick ass....then three of us chillaxed whilst the die-hards jigged or whatever the shit you do to try and "help" while you ice fish.
Finally we retreated to the warm comfort of six figures' SUV....and headed back to the fort...after a quick stop at the liquor store....where there was some TOFTE ass trolling, looking for some action....you know...typical northwoods stuff. We bought half of the store....mainly red wine to feed red tooth (woodsmen's brother....named for his affection for red wine and the shade of his fangs after a night of libations.)

We arrived at the friendly confines of the bradlee cabin and commenced shitfacedness and gambling......FINALLY! some quality me-time.....
Now...notice that 2 of the 4 people in this picture are attempting to hold their heads up with the fear that if they remove their hand....the head will slam to the table....well, this is where the weekend hit its zenith.....stories of strippers, cotton dockers, threesomes that never were, a lack of alcohol that prohibited potentially the finest night a man could ever know...and the fact that a simple lie could have prevented it all....now I can't get into it all....as I need to protect the innocent...the brave men who came forward to give me some of the funniest stories I've ever heard...and more goofmunition than I may ever need.................but rest assured....it was all gold.

The night ended after red tooth turned the white snow magenta with red wine vomit....me losing in cards to drunkards.....and this man shuttin' er down early...
...and sounding like he died every five seconds with his snoring (where as mine sounds like 5 people dying every 5 seconds).

We woke early the next morning at the crack of 10:30 and started preparing for the makeshift biatholon which was about to take place....that's right....we set up a target and prepared do a sprint lap around the cabin, set, and shoot a .22 rifle at the target. Since I had never fired a gun ever...I got 2 practice shots....then we all ran around the house and shot a gun in turns....one person eliminated each round.....we hardly made it 2 rounds before the gun had misfired approximately one hundred thousand times as it was too cold and the event was off....but the sight of one woodsman dude....one woodsman brother red tooth dude.....one miniature dude....one quasi-out of shape broken back type hungover dude....and one totally out of shape fat dude running around an old shack, smacking into a porch one brisk wind away from completely shattering into kindling, aiming a gun, and firing into the woods at a piece of paper with circles on it.

This hilarious adventure was then trumped by a sojourn into the woods.....it was a walkabout in deep snow looking for moose antlers....we found moose tracks....moosepiss....moose hair .....moose shit....but no fucking moose....or moose fucking antlers. I did get to see woodsmen walk a million milies an hour in snow shoes....woodsmen brother red tooth draw dirty snow hieroglyphs of dudes fucking...chicks getting fucked....me shitting (complete with actual defecant)....an oversized cock and balls urinating (complete with actual red tooth urine)....a game of hangman....more cocks and balls....more chicks fucking....etc.....until we split up and finally arrived back at the six figure SUV ready for the long journey home....and pooped.
We piled up and headed home....all except woodsmen...who was finally rid of us all so he could enjoy himself in his woods without the distraction of a bunch of screwups slowing him down and keeping him from finding dead or live animal artifacts. All in all....it was a kick ass weekend....though I would probably say that if we did some exploring in a stairwell for the weekend...as long as there was goofing and gambling....and shit crazy red tooth stories.

Here is a picture of me as I entered the SUV for the ride home...

What I Did on my Summer Vacation...in Winter...while Working...

2006-02-13T19:02:00.000-06:00

So....as you've probably already astutely noticed....I haven't posted in awhile. I have actually been wicked busy in a typically slow season for my profession. I've been hawking ribs, realtors, inhalants, not using said inhalants, keeping kids away from previously said inhalants, and most recently snowmobiles. Now I have many stories to tell....but the dreadlocked douchebag takes the cake.

Let us begin by setting this up....I was doing a freebie for a company who gives me a lot of work...but this was not your typical freebie....what was a top flight crew of professionals working for nothing for a good cause....and worked as a typical set would....not as a freebie set would. Now, sometimes would be PA's send resumes to production companies to get work on jobs as PA's...now this is another story I will jump in with. These resumes are always hilarious.....resumes are always inflated tellings of your accomplishments and hiding your lack there of......these dildos always put down how they wrote, directed, produced, shot, and edited 5 dopey experimental films they made with their stupid friends or at film school...sometimes they even sit you down with a reel of said shitfests (I can call them that....as I've made many dopey experimental shitty little films with my dopey friends...and continue to actually).

Now your average producer, production manager, or production co-ordinator (the people normally doing the hiring for shoots) don't give two fucks how you captured the essence of betrayal and loss in your stupid "personal" short film....they want to know whether or not you are going to get pissy when they ask you to pick up cigarette butts.....they don't care about your "kickass dolly shot" on your 10th grade video project starring your dad in a remake of Dolemite....they want to make sure that you can eat shit from all directions without blowing your top.....they don't even want to hear about your interpretation of "Battleship Potemkin"....nope, they want to make sure you are un-retarded enough to not fuck up picking up tables and chairs....they want you to direct them some fucking lunch....NOW!

My job is not rocket science....but I do it fairly well and continue to get re-hired because I am consistently not retarded....I don't give people attitude....I know my place....and I am easy to get along with....mainly because I disarm people by consistently putting myself down....

Now this all said....we had 4 of these dudes who were willing to work for nothing on this job just to get their foot in the door....this would be their first job.....2 of them were quasi-useless (and by quasi...I mean fully) but at least were attentive and tried to help...even though they failed miserably....1 just quit after the first day and decided not to show....then there was the dreadlocked douchebag.....oh the dreadlocked bouchebag won't you ever learn....

He began his day by arriving at the house we were shooting at....the homeowner's were nice enough to donate the house for little or no fee to us....we've shot there before....and hopefully will again....so anyway, dildo starts his day off by asking the homeowners to make him a cup of tea.........................................................WOW! Now if these seems like not a big deal to you...let me just say that this is totally inappropriate....and just completely poor on set etiquette if not regular etiquette....okay, so anyway....that was just the beginning.....this dufus is there to essentially be low man on the totem pole....along with humps like me....and he starts off by asking for fucking tea...what a blow hard.....2 words....you...oosless.

Okay so after not being able to get coffee going next....you see I asked him to get a stinger (read: extension cord....don't worry, I told him extension cord) from the grip truck, plug it in on a different circuit than the heater, and get some coffee up and going....as people generally go ahead and insist on having this....especially when they are receiving zero dollars....so a half hour later I see him at the craft service tent, discussing various D&D strategy (I shit you not), whilst not making coffee....no coffee set up...no stinger...no fuck all.....so I go ahead and get him all plugged in and ask hime again....he decides to go ahead and have someone else do it.

Part 2 of the Douchebaggery: So after asking the co-ordinator to "grab him some smokes" while he's out....then having lunch....we're all back to work in the upstairs of this cool house with a ton of windows on the river....well...damned if Dread isn't kicking back on the chaise longue on the deck by the river.....you know just grabbing a little him time....he went ahead and kicked back for about an additional half hour....while I grabbed anyone I could find to take a look and goof on him with me....pictures were taken (by the clients while he was picking his teeth)....goofs were made, though I did miss the golden opportunity of asking him what his "20" (read: where the fuck are you?) was on the walkie talkie....just so I could soak up his lie....you can't be on full goof alert at all points.

Part 3 of the Douchebaggery: So now we are wrapping...all of the PA's are scrambling around picking up the complete fucking disaster the house has turned into...all except...you guessed it...Dreadlocked Douchebag....you see he was too busy going up to the agency producer shooting the shit and telling him that "if he ever needs a director...to give him a call."................................. .....................................................................................................................................................................
.......................................FUCKING GENIUS! Don't mind us numbnuts as we pick up gross squishy things left behind by everyone....you just jump in there and tell mr. agency about your sci-fi fantasy short and how you are the nuts. We continue to wrap around him as he discusses film with the dude....I am now not only completely pissed, but wetting myself.

Part 4 of the Douchebaggery: So we are almost wrapped...its about 9pm....there is still some shit work, cleaning, etc. to be done to get the house back to normal....so he comes on in after standing around doing nothing all do and tells the producer that he's "going to motor." The producer goes ahead and tells him how we aren't quite done and for him to stick around....he cocks his head and shrugs his shoulders and says "looks pretty good to me....what do we have left"....this is where the location manager jumps in and asks him if he would like to help her mop up the floors.......his reply was "not really".....then he walks off into the night............I LOVE IT! I'm sure he'll be directing on some spot next year that I am picking up chicken shit on...but right now I can sleep well with the knowledge that he is a complete douchebag and that I at least won't be losing any jobs to him......I love this shit!

Hopefully soon I'll be able to post "Goof: The Movie" which was the short goof film made by me and my PA brethren whilst "working." It is geniusly cut by my friend...just got to find a place to host it.

THIS JUST IN!!!: George W. Bush Sucks Ass...

2006-01-21T18:41:00.000-06:00

...that is all.

Cards Are Gay, 5 and 7 are Gay, and the Guy in Seat 6 Table 1 was Gay: AKA The Return of the Cardberry Rants

2006-01-05T12:59:00.000-06:00

So I received full spousal permission from HQ to play in a poker tournament last evening. This is not an everyday occurence....it was a special event, and I planned on taking full advantage of it. I was playing to win and playing super tight....my poker gimminy cricket's voice kept saying over and over in my head fold k-q in early position, only play the nuts early, and play them hard.

So early on, I completely forget this advice and am quickly down 600 in chips from calling raises with marginal hands...so I tighten up and quickly double up when I get KK on the button and the big blind calls...catches a ten (with a 9-10 offsuit...what a dipshit) on the flop, calls a big bet...then the turn brings my trip Kings...I make it 1500...he calls....ship it...it's on now. 1 down 148 to go. So in the next few hands I am able to take a few shorts stacks out and am up to about 8000 in chips before the first break....not bad.

So our table breaks and I am taken to table one which means that I won't have to move again until the final table...I like this......I play really well and am able to get up to about 27,000 in chips....then I make my first mistake...I raise 2 times the big blind with AK suited and some doof goes all in...I figure he has a small pocket pair and is protecting his hand....but he has 20,000 in chips....I am in about 8000....It is heads up and I think it through and figure it is a coin toss...there is about 25 people left...then I say...I'm playing to win...everyone else wins coin tosses....ndeauxsh, CALL....he has pocket 8's...a little better than I thought, but still the same situation....no ace...no king...I'm fucked.....7000 left....blinds 3000-6000....WRONG. I catch 9-10 suited with two short stacks going all in in front of me....plus the blinds...that's 3-1...no better chance...I go all in...catch a ten...and win.....

Holy Shit, I'm actually cloaked in success for five seconds....I figure that it's my night and that I'll make it. I catch Aces a few hands later on the button and get someone raising to 18,000 in front of me...I go all in with 30,000...he is a very good player and he folds smartly..but pretty soon I'm up to 50,000 with 13 people left....everyone still has around the same amount of chips...no real big chip leader...and still a fight to make the final table.

I catch AQ suited in the big blind...the guy directly to my right has been playing pretty consistently...going all in with small pocket pairs...raising 2 times the big blind with A-10, KJ, etc. or other marginal hands...and raising 3 to 4 times the big blind with big hands....he raises 2 times the big blind...I figure I have him beat....I raise to 20,000....he calls......the flop comes down 5-Q-7....I figure if he has KK, AA, or QQ I'm going to lose my stack anyway...there is no way to get away from this hand...and I don't want him to catch....I go all in.....he calls and flips over 5-7 offsuit.............................................................UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE....he has me covered too..................who fucking calls a big raise with 5-7 offsuit at this stage of the tourney?....he still would have had plenty of chips if he got away from the hand........why does life like to figuratively puncture my ass without permission...........no help on the turn or the river...and I'm gone 13th....3 away from the money that I was already spending on credit card debt......

It gets better......he actually said, I SHIT YOU NOT, the saying of all sayings....the king mother of idiot dumbfucks...."THEY WERE SUITED".......................two things come to mind.....A-no they weren't...they were the same color...not the same suit.....you would think this might make me feel better...NO...what a dipshit, dumbfuck, ass-raping knuckle dragger.....YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKFACE.........................B- who gives a shit? does that make 5-7 a better hand...eat shit and DIE!

Now some of you may remember that the hand 5-7 has fucked me over before....a long time ago....this came to my mind on the ride home, right before I considered swerving into a church to end it all and take a few jesus freaks with me. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK,.........and just for good measure FUCK this, fuck him, and fuck cards, fuck that fucking dopey fucking fucker. SHIT! ASS!

I considered calling the police and telling them that there was an ass rapist at Canterbury wanted for Ass Rape.

I Can't Believe this Un-Fucking-Believable Bullshit!!!

2005-12-22T21:40:00.000-06:00

So Carol Kane is rolling over in her grave today....even though she is still alive....and not dead....and probably doing just fine...Anyway, her and her alter-ego, Jill Johnson, from the classic 1979 shocker, "When A Stranger Calls," should be good and pissed today as the first trailer from the abomination that is the film's remake was posted on the internet today. I will not post a link to it, because you shouldn't watch it.

The ONE trick and real shock of the film is FUCKING revealed in the trailer....not sort of revealed....by FUCKING UNDENIABLY IN YOUR FACE revealed. You can't not let it be revealed is how revealed it is....un-fucking-believable. Now, I'm sure they've gone ahead and added a whole bunch of dopey twists and turns to "freshen up" the original....but I don't give a fuck...not only did they ruin what will most likely be the only good part of the remake...but now anyone who was to go back and try and watch the actual film...the original film...the good film...would have the best part ruined. So I warn you....DO NOT WATCH the trailer. And fuck those fuckers who fucking made it....

Look for yourself...the new broad in it even looks dopey.

Breaking News: George W. Bush Loves Jesus

2005-12-20T16:51:00.000-06:00

In a stunning move, President Bush "came out" last night in a public address to the nation. Whilst pissing off nerds a plenty (this one included) by pre-empting a new episode of Family Guy, Bush spent his nearly twenty inane minutes babbling about how we are winning the war, blah, blah…but then, suddenly, he revealed that he loves Jesus. This is a huge revelation and a huge blow to the GOP who spent much of the morning spinning the situation.

"The President and Mr. Jesus Quintana's relationship is completely platonic and the sacrilegious accusations otherwise are simply partisan politics at their dirtiest," quipped White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan. "Mr. Bush is simply acting as a mentor for Jesus on his re-integration with the outside world."

Democratic party leaders were giddy with the deluge of fortune dropped on their lap this morning. "Not only did the President profess his love for another man, but the man is a level three sex offender…it's like fucking Christmas….excuse me, I meant the holidays….yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh" a giddy DNC chairman, Howard Dean (D-VT) remarked.

Quintana spent six months at the California Institution for Men in Chino, CA. for exposing himself to an eight year old. Upon his release he moved to Venice and had to go door-to-door to register himself as a pederast. Mr. Quintana has his supporters as well, however. "Fucking Quintana--that creep can roll, man--" a semi-coherent Jeff "the dude" Lebowski assured this reporter. Jesus is known around his Venice haunts as a very feared league bowler.

Howard Dean, after hearing about Mr. Lebowski's comments, retorted "It's true that Mr. Quintana can, in fact, roll, and I've heard he's rolled his way all the way to the semis, but our country and least of all our President can not be seen giving special treatment to a gifted athlete."

McClellan tried to salvage his party's hard-lined stance. "Mr. Quintana has paid his debt to society and the President is simply expressing his love for our correctional system. He wants me to assure the country that if Mr. Jesus Quintana ever strays back to the darkside and becomes an evil-doer, he will personally grab a gat and take his punk ass to prison."

The Jesus himself took offense at his friend's powerful words. "Let me tell you something, bendeco. You pull any of your crazy shit with me, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger until it goes 'click'."

President Bush himself released a press release in response to Quintana. Here is that press release in it's entirety:

"Jesus."

Quintana, after being told of the press release simply stated, "You said it man, nobody fucks with the Jesus."

We are still awaiting a reaction from the White House.

Does It Make Me Gay Because I Want To See The Chronicles of Narnia and I'm 29

2005-12-13T15:29:00.000-06:00

Okay so they have finally made a live action (though CGI heavy) version of C.S. Lewis' classic fantasy tale, "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." I recall reading this and the entire series of Chronicles of Narnia books as a youngster...one of very few books I actually read, as I at an early age realized that books and reading are gay and that they had an invention called television and cinema to force feed me my entertainment...I never even had to think...now that's kick ass. I read Fangoria every month anyway...so why do I need to read books?

Anyway....my "reading is gay" campaign aside....I have an urge to go and see this film adaptation even though I know that this is a kid's flick and I only want to see it out of nostalgia...yet, I'll probably go....though I doubt it will be as cool as the cartoon. My question is does this make me gay? The answer.....yeah, probably.

Nerdapalooza

2005-12-02T13:52:00.000-06:00

DAY 1: The Arrival (sans Charlie Sheen and the aliens)

Well, we've returned from our trip to nerd L.A.nd and it was a very great time. So, let me get you all caught up on the whole situation. First off, I made a short film called zombie dodgeball with a friend of mine and we were won of the grand prize winners. You can watch it here. The prize was a new xbox 360 6 days before it was released, 3 games, and a trip to L.A. to a nerd
convention/party for the unveiling of the new xbox 360.

So, we got the xbox (most of us) early as stated...but no games...the ad agency running this competition are real boneheads...but thats another story. Then we booked our flights, but they are going with this whole "top secret" bullshit so they don't tell you anything in advance and you just kind of go. Now, let it be said that I play games...but I don't consider myself a gamer...I kind of play alone every once in awhile and that is that...I don't get all excited for new systems, etc....and the rest of the group where even less "gamery" than myself, so we were all worried that we would get shipped out to the desert for this 2 day party and be stuck in gamer world with no way out....well, that kind of came to fruition.

So we arrive at LA and are escorted to our hotel via some strange "green monster" marketing people...the hotel is right at LAX, but it is really nice and we start thinking that this is going to be pretty sweet, but then we are told that we are only booked for one night and to go register on the second floor....wha...wha....whaaaaaaaaaat? So our fears are starting to slowly become more realistic.

I go drop my luggage off in my kickass double queen room...and then head down to the 2nd floor convention room area and follow these dopey "green monster" signs....I was half expecting Wally The Green Monster and Red Sox mascot to show up....now that would have been kickass...but, alas it was just soom dufey dude taking our name, giving us a welcome packet, and information....You must check out and be at the lobby by 10am to board the bus...you are on the grey team and the grey team bus. I asked where we were going and he told me that he wouldn't tell me as that would ruin the surprise....OH FUCK! It's official....we're fucked. Panic has now entered...should we rent a car now?....should we just book more days at the hotel?....should we just bail on the busride and figure it out later?....or should we go on the magical mystery tour to whereverthefuck desert magic pixie dust xbox zero hour hills have eyes desert retreat?....a question we would ponder all night.

We pondered it through the nerd mixer at the hotel where all the nerds, us included...I mean not to say we are not nerds in our own right...it just makes us feel better about ourselves...or should I say myself when I bring others down a peg and preten that I'm superior...meanwhile they all have careers and right code and do nerd shit....whilst living in their parent's basement.

Anyhoo...the nerd mixer at the hotel was an adventure...we had all split up to put our shit in our room...we had a few new arrivals, including weird lady....and we were trying to get our shit together to leave and head out to the Sunset Strip...which we were eventually told would be a terrible idea on a Saturday as the cab ride would be a gagillion dollars because of the traffic...so we settled on Venice Beach....but nonetheless, we couldn't get our shit together to get the F out of that place as everytime we would get close to having everybody...somebody would drift off...or we would have to hide from weird lady....

So whilst waiting for our compatriates who retreated back to their rooms for some reason, we encountered some of the other hex 168 winners which was nice...they all seemed fairly normal...fairly....at least most of them...some of them were shit crazy however...

That's where we found out that everybody cheated....see the contest began as everybody submits there entry, then people vote on it, the top semifinalists then get voted on by judges. The rules state that you can only vote once....well...you SHOULD only vote once, because we quickly figured out that you COULD vote more than once...or more than a million times. You see, when I first noticed that our entry was finally up to vote on on the website we had a total voting of 1.5 out of 10....now I know that our film isn't genius cinema...but it certainly wasn't that bad...especially compared to all the shit I had been seeing on the site. Well, what was happening was people were voting 1 for every entry that wasn't theirs and 10 for theirs...over and over again. I sent out an email asking for votes from all who worked on ours and said you could only vote once...then I recieved a nerdy IM message from one debbiepinson and was told to start voting over and over again as that it was possible and increases the score.

Well while we were waiting for our cab one of the dudes was telling another team how he had written a "script" that would continually vote 1 for others and 7 for his...to keep him out of people's sniping and in the top whatever it was...then the dude he told told him how his team did the same thing...then another....WTF? No wonder when myself and my friend sat and voted for an hour and a half to no avail it did nothing....we figured we were goners because we were only able to nerd vote for that long...then quit and figured it wasn't worth it. Well, eventually the site caught on and all entries were then reviewed by judges instead...so that's why were here....in your face, cheaters!

So we get our shit together and leave...by now, everyone is already completely shitfaced except me....as you previously have read I try to abstain from enjoying myself because I'm too big of a wimp to handle it....I accidentally took a sip from the empty glass of an alcoholic beverage recently and I instantly started stealing purses, holding up gas stations with dirty needles, and shooting smack...so I abstain. Anyway, I do however still enjoy going out occasionally so this was pretty fun....we went and checked out the ocean...and hung around some bar I could easily see ten of in Northeast Minneapolis...it was kick ass.....the only thing different is that when you rooted against USC when they were on tv...people got pissed off...OH YEAH.

So on our way to our last stop of the night they are all so drunk that one of my friends gets in a verbal altercation with another one of my friend's fiance whom I've never met...and another drunken friend, visiting in town for other reasons met us at our bar. He is a great drunk...very happy...and very close talkery...but it was a blast to meet up with him at the end of the night...he even started goading me into making a film where the only thing that happens is a guy smashes a full beer can through another guys head......twice....and he offered to produce it....if I went swiming "right now" in the Pacific Ocean...which I didn't.

Okay...so half the contingency has already left us...and now some of us head off in a car...leaving three of us to fend for ourself getting a cab....ooops! Well, this wasn't New York...cabs weren't just flying by at 2am...our cab ride to get there was like $15....there are now 1 severely drunken man...1 fairly drunken man...and 1 staggeringly drunk young woman on a shady corner at 2am...after the old fruit picked up the gay male prostitute right next to us...we were able to flag down a cab...who was going to make us pay $50 up front to drive us home....FU....maybe he did this because severely drunk man started mocking his accent...anyway, back to square one....staggeringly drunk girls has decided to take over the talking duty...something maybe I should have been handling judging by the amount of impairment (just inherent impairment) versus everyone else's level of impairment...but nonetheless, I'm afraid of my own shadow and was quite enjoying the show...I kind of get a kick out of watching drunk people interact with their environment...

So now cab 2 finally roles along a long while later and we all jump in....drunk girl says "I'm getting in front"....so we all get in, and when the guy talks, severely drunk guy instantly starts speaking in a Jamaican accent...why? I'm not real sure as the guy was middle eastern....drunk girl does in fact get in front...leans over to cabbie (I'm assuming she's going to vomit on him) and whispers "Now I want to get the lowest fare possible." Uh-oh...I'm starting to think I'm going to have to prevent her from blowing the cabbie for a cheap ride home....So, now this cabbie was pretty quick witted and knew he was dealing with drunken tourists...and after severely drunk guy starts goofing on/with him...now suddenly the radio is blaring all the way at 11 Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" and eventually into fucking Naughty by Natures' "OPP"....another surreal moment in my life that I probably won't forget soon....90's rap cliche songs playing full boar with a middle eastern cabbie, a severely drunk guy with the permanent drunk smile in the back seat with his head nearly drooling on the window, a moderately drunk guy in the backseat in the middle looking like he's in fear of his uptight life, and a barely upright drunk girl potentially preparing to felate the cabbie if need be....luckily we arrived back at the hotel....and drunk girl didn't have to give cabbie a happy ending.

So at this point we all head to our rooms and I do what I've been threatening to all night...I rent "Red Eye" on the hotel pay per view...I love those things...I willing to overpay for movies I didn't want to see in the first place at the theater, but would certainly love to see them in the comfort of my own temporary living area/bed....so I do and make it about 5 seconds before pissing the money away and falling asleep...big mystery day tomorrow.

DAY 2: The Devils Rejects Town and Nerdapalooza

Okay, so I awake on the big day, have my individualized hotel folger's coffee, order and eat my $12 room service pancakes (don't worry...we got a $25 per diem the night before...big spenders), get into an elevator just to catch the tail end of a conversation which again makes me feel superior...and I quote..."...and it's just like how can you sleep on Christmas morning"...these were in fact fellow contest winners...I nearly burst out laughing in their face, but I felt that I would seem like a better human being if I just laughed at them on the inside, then goofed on them to my friends later....so I head on down to the lobby to check out where I find my friends enjoying the $14 buffet...in your face, morons!

So, now we are all mixed in with the other 200 contest winners searching for our grey bus...we have decided to go and see what the fuck this is all about...and hopefully rent a car and come back to L.A. tomorrow....so we enter the bus and sit down and are told, indeed, we are to spend the remaining 2 days in some shithole desert hotel 2 hours away...and that there will be shuttle buses taking us to and fro the huge xbox party every hour...alright...that's not so bad...we can escape rather quickly...then the busride turned into a sort of nerd camp bus...instead of songs, some dude jumped up with his trusty copy of family guy dvd's which he apparently must bring everywhere and asked if we wanted to watch them...the bus cheered...there was much rejoicing...and the hilarity ensued....though I do enjoy the family guy very much...I slipped on my headphones to avoid conversation with the backpack dude next to me. Well, back pack dude sensed this and went straight in for the conversation anyway..."What entry was yours?" he asks. "Zombie Dodgeball" I reply...his eyes light up and he says how awesome he thought it was...so now I'm feeling like a kickass big shit dude....I tell him thanks...his next question "did you guys like use real cameras and editing stuff?"...the wind in my sails instantly floats away and I realize that I essentially did the equivalent of playing pee-wee football at the age of 20...we brough a gun to a knife fight...but fuck it...we won...in your face gamer dudes whose places we took!

We arrive at what looks like the Khahiki Palms hotel as seen in the Devil's Rejects...the off ramp to the town had an a sign with an arrow point left stating Prison and Baseball stadium...luckily we went right. Now as we turned in, I saw a bright shining light...it was not of this earth, otherworldly, divine...wait a minute...its just a sign for AVIS car rental...but it looked pretty good anyway.

So after waiting in nerdline to register with the very secretive green monster people and getting my zero hour "survival kit" consisting of caffeineited soap and chapstick (I shit you not) and not getting my room...I just steal one of my married friend's rooms...and nobody was any the wiser. Now this whole place smells like dirt or something...but something nasty...like nasty dirt....this includes the room....the nasty dirt smelling room...but it had a mini kitchen...neat.

Now the bus for nerdapalooza leaves at 4:30pm sharp, so we had to hurry and head to the liquor store to get everyone good and drunk..as this was vacation. I embibed in some sort of energy drink I also embarrassingly would drink before our touch football games....but even before that we headed straight to AVIS and made sure to secure our vehicular transportation before the rest of the nerds came to their senses and emptied the place out...though I think we were the only ones who did...and our group rented 3 as there were a bunch of us...and they were dirt cheap....so with our escape plan taken care of, we got the inebriation supplies taken care of, and sat and relaxed for a few moments before getting on the shuttle bus to XBOX 360 Zero Hour/Nerdapalooza...

Of course for our group 4:30 sharp kind of meant 5:15 and they had to get a separate bus to get us all there...but it was cool as we were the only ones on this bus....which got lost....we were driving for forever when one of the group mentioned that we just passed our hotel...where we began this sojourn...at first the driver and organizers didn't believe him...but he was right...we had done a complete half an hour circle....the bus driver was blaming the event organizers...the organizers were blaming the bus driver...though we didn't care as we weren't sure we wanted to be at this thing anyway...though they did give us free drink and food tickets....

BOOM! We finally arrive in the middle of the mojave desert and all you can see is bright green lights in the distance at this airplane hangar. We go through crazier security than the airport and drug sniffing dogs...though we get to skip the metal detectors for some reason as we have green wristbands and are VIP's....which is crazy....we were the nutjobs who won some contest to get here...why are we any less apt to murder the whole place.....but not waiting in line was pretty cool....

We get in there and are given free schwag as we arrive and make our way immediately to the alcohol tent, then we partake in some of the giant fuseball table and after injesting our surroundings...they finally start the event with some crazy midget asian lady drum circle and light show against the hangar doors (which were closed)...all of a sudden all of the free bean bag chairs that were handed out to everyone are being hucked all around and it seems like some nerd mosh pit has broken out dancing to the drum circles and becoming intoxicated from hearing the 360 system developers pump them up with retoric...though I must say it was pretty cool....

Finally, the doors opened up and a sea of nerds charged into battle. It was hilarious...they were running in like they were 4 years old (which some of them may be in maturity)...the place was green as shit with all of these fluorescent green lights and there must have been a thousand plasma tv's hooked up to xbox 360's....it was fairly impressive I must say...by the time our group had made it in...every tv was taken and we just kind of floated around, ate free food, and finally played a game or two, then we stocked up on all the free drinks and food we got from our tickets, stuffed our pockets, and left.....security was tighter leaving as they wanted to make sure you didn't steal any shit....they had things that could tell depth, and bullshit that I never heard of...and it took awhile to get the hell out of that area....I watched Escape From New York on the busride back to the hotel....we were planning our getaway in the morning.....

DAY 3: Getaways, Beaches, Marble Smugglers, and Sunset

So we wake up, spend virtually 2 hours looking for a Starbucks someone swears existed...finally find it....then mount up and hit the open road back to LA....we missed rush hour so the trip was much shorter than when we went out...

We decided to head to the Santa Monica Pier and Venice Beach for the day....Wow, what a great area...I mean besides the kind of white trash weirdness...it is beautiful to look at...at least if you look towards the ocean...anyway...it was fun to walk in the ocean in the middle of November...or anytime...haven't been in the ocean in quite some time...then we went up and down the boardwalk and literally saw 3 film crews shooting whilst making our way passed all of the booths...I got to see that weird tourboned dreadlock guy on roller skates and plays his guitar with his portable amp that I originall saw in Perry Farrell's film Gift....but strangest of all was while we were having lunch I saw a guy who is my new hero....because he just doesn't give one fuck what anyone thinks....this man was roller skating down the boardwalk in a skin toned g-string banana hammock, and I swear his nuts were fighting to get out....how can you wear that and give 2 shits what anyone else thinks....granted the guy is a crazy shithouse fruitcake, but at least he doesn't give a fuck....

So now we head out to find a hotel and end up back at the place we were at the first night...only now we have 4 dudes sharing a room and 2 beds....just a little bit gay. We head out to Sunset and it is really pretty uneventful...cool, but uneventful. There was the snooty bouncer at the viper room who wouldn't tell us who the band was playing or how much the cover was as he "doesn't handle the money guys" but it was clear he knew and was fucking with some Minnesota bumpkins...he was a real dick, but we found out it was like indie alt/rock amateur night and decided to not spend the $10...though I never did get the picture I wanted of me pretending to have OD'd on the sidewalk in front of the Viper Room...as there were too many people out there smoking...Foiled again...

So yeah...not much happens...except a drunken karaoke version of Surrender by Cheap Trick, a 2 hour adventure to find Hollywood Blvd. and some pretentious shithole called StarShoes...it was hipster dufus central....it is exactly what I picture when I picture poser Hollywood...everyone had the same haircut and clothes...it was hilarious...but anyway...Hollywood Blvd. is a real shithole....I even walked through a puddle of our own urine from where we pissed on the wall of some building on the way back to the car...filthy.

So we return to the hotel eventually and piss off the concierge by getting into a verbal altercation with him over the phone about how the "second largest city in America didn't have a pizza place that delivers this late"...then there was some discussion about the scene in Karate Kid when Ralph Macchio and whatshernuts make up at that water park and you could see their breath but there were still dudes coming down the waterslide at precise intervals....imagine how cold those fucking extras must have been...and imagine that A.D.....go.......go......go......go.....where's the next fucking dude?....slide, then return up the steps to slide again.....

Anyhoo...we eventually fell asleep....woke up...ate Denny's...checked out...I got on standby for the earlier flight everyone else was on...then flew home on the most uncomfortable flight imagined....pretty sweet trip...it felt like a week, but it was only 3 days.

The Trip...not the Jack Nicholson Acid Movie...

2005-11-19T10:49:00.000-06:00

Well, I leave for that free trip to LA today...hopefully I'll have good failure stories for you...

Anger Management Session #168: Zombies, Morons, Dodgeballs, and Car Crashes

2005-11-14T23:07:00.000-06:00

Well...for those of you who thought that up was down and that I had finally found a way to evade my failure...this post is for you. I am a colossal fucking fuck-up failure and life blows. Just when something good happens, there's life to kick me in my ass.

Let's begin with the Hex168 contest...it was a viral marketing campaign for the new xbox360 essentially...but it was also a short film contest....and myself and my friend won...along with 30 friends. We made a short film called "Zombie Dodgeball" and submitted it to the site. Well, the world starte off on its regular orbit because though people weren't supposed to be able to...you were able to vote multiple times and our entry was getting voted zero zillions of times by our competitors and we were not a group who had the time to spend sitting on the internet voting all day...so we were getting our asses handed to us and we figured we'd lose. Then, suddenly, it seemed as if things were changing...maybe life wasn't one gigantic conspiracy to screw me over as so everyone, including myself, could goof on my ineptitude....the site realized it was turning into an internet popularity contest and nerd fest...they decided to let the judges who were originally going to judge the semi-finalists (which would be determined by the online voting) were now going to judge every entry...Sweet, I thought. Our only chance was it getting judged on its own goofy merit.

Well, it won. We were selected and the prize was a new xbox360 for all 30 participants as well as a trip to LA. Holy shit...I won something...I never win anything....ANYTHING. I either come in second place or a distant one millionth....I am a born loser...everything I come in contact with turns to a steaming pile of useless shite. Well there was one catch...we had to get all 30 of our participants to fill out a shitload of paperwork and get it all notarized in the next 18 hours. Fuck me running. That may be no big deal when the group is a bunch of co-workers or frat boys...but we are a bunch of random dudes and dudettes spread about the entire city...some are people I didn't even know and were just actors who came out to be a part of the film.

Well, we showed those fuckers! That's right, the ad agency who were supposed to be running the show wouldn't hardly answer their phones, answer any emails, or do anything that would seem like "work." We had a fax machine that would fax approximately 2 pieces of paper at a time...and we had to go to our back up notary, but we got 25 out of the 30, and we sent approximately 1000 faxes....you see, we needed to get all of this information in by this time or we would be disqualified. Well, that crazy broad from the agency finally called us back and gave us no firm answers (as she was wont to do) and would still not confirm that we were all good. She never asked for anything except these forms she sent us. Okay, in your face EVIL AD AGENCY...we got the shit in on time.

CUT TO: Monday (today) 1:30pm I recieve a phone call from a travel agency asking for the email adresses of everybody on our team. I say I can get most of them right away but a few are going to take a little while as I don't know them and nobody ever told me we needed them. She said that the ad agency should have gotten them from us on Friday with the rest of our stuff...well, those F'ing fucking morons fucked something else up as they were wholly unprepared for this whole fucking thing me thinks. So I now needed to figure out everyone's email addy in the next half hour. Well.....in your face again. Try and fuck with me stupid ad people...BOOM...got em all in. They are going to send all the travel itinerary to each person's email.

Okay, now it gets even more confusing...so I get an email with exact itinerary...cool. I'm set...and everyone else is too...right? Wrong! Everyone else (and by everyone I mean the ones who didn't receive nothing at all because this whole thing is fucking stupid) received an email sending them to another site where they picked their travel arrangements...the site also said they needed to have these forms filled out by yesterday, literally...so who the fuck knows if this is even working. So now there are even more problems then when we began. I'm trying to make sure everyone is taken care of and it is taking out every ounce of enjoyment I had when I "won" this fucking thing. I can't get anyone on the phone or to return my emails, because apparently that would be way too much to ask.

Okay, so now I am running back to the post house to make a mini dv dub of the film that needs to be sent out ASAP...another thing I am just finding out about now. Alright, so I have an early call tomorrow....a shitty cold....and my shoulder is still fucked from the touch football playoffs catastrophe....I need sleep...but I'm going back to do more shit.

Driving, driving, driving...get downtown and WHAM! a lady tries to take a left from the middle lane....and by try I mean...she takes a left from the middle lane and fucking whales my car...Now a few years ago someone did the same exact thing to my car...just substitute left with right...my car is still fucked from it as I can't afford to spend the $500 deposit for the fixes....so I have officially snapped.

As some of you may know...I can have a bit of a temper...I normally hide it through sarcasm, self hatred, self dellusion, and good old fashion sucking it up...I only let it slip in sporting events usually....well having decided to not fill my anti-depressants for a few weeks.....A fucking catastrophic blow-out was about to ensue.

I pull over, jump out of my car, slam my door, immediately call the lady getting out of the other vehicle a "fucking idiot," ask her "what the fuck is wrong with her," and tell her that she is "one of the 5 worst fucking drivers I have ever fucking seen"...(don't ask me where I came up with that number). Her and her friend kept telling me how I didn't need to be rude...I told them how they didn't need "to slam into my fucking car"....they said they were from Chicago and didn't know where they were or what lane they were in....I retorted that "what is it okay to turn left in the center lane in fucking Chicago you dumb fucking idiot."

Okay at this point I am calling the police only to be reminded of how those dopey fuckers don't come out to accidents unless its an emergency and they tell me to just pick up an accident report at the local cop shop...unfucking believable....so at this point I notice that the two ladies actually look a little scared...WOOPS! Alright, obviously these 2 nice ladies didn't mean to do this...so I apologize for losing my cool and just tell them how this has happened twice in the last few years...blah, blah, blah.

So I don't have any fucking idea who is going on this trip if any...I'm sure everyone is going to be pissed at me...I'm sure I'll end up paying for this fucking car.....of which I had to get a new windshield wiper arm today because my previous one was literally ripped off my car and it is about to start snowing...when I arrived home I was going out to take off the half piece from the previous arm and attach the new one....I then have trouble finding the ratchet set...and the garage door slams on my head...I completely lose it a second time...throwing everything (making my stupid shoulder feel like burning), kick shit, and generally act like an enormous baby...

Well on the trip home I was comforted by the dumbest thing...the opening of Beck's "Where it's At"...that stupid little riff relocated me to the backseat of a shitty chevy citation at the age of 17 (even though I was much older when it came out) getting baked in a vapor locked car with no cares in the world with the exception of wether or not my senior english teacher will allow me to do my final on William S. Burroughs and if I'm going to need to score more acid before the weekend....ah...good times. It's funny how music can relocate your mind to a different atmosphere. Well, I've returned to reality....my shitty reality....where I wish that a blimp would crash into my bedroom.

Fuck Zombies, Fuck Dodgeball, Fuck cars, Fuck chicks who drive them, Fuck Chicago, Fuck microsoft....my fucking trip better net me a 3 picture deal with Lions Gate Films or I'm going to have to really lose my mind...and that new xbox better be like playing utopia......with this all said, I still fully anticipate somehow getting disqualified....then the shit is really going to hit the fan....world better hope I get some meds.

Now how's that for a winner....

Yeah...I said it, Big Whoop?...wanna Blog about it?

2005-11-12T19:46:00.000-06:00

So...I haven't been blooging lately...have you noticed. But to set the world back in order...I have much failure to discuss....the main one being the Ship Its monumental loss in the touch football semi-finals...to the eventual league champs. Now, I'll say this...we were outplayed by a better team...but who gives a shit? I figured I'd let the ref have it...as I am a petty little man (or huge man) who thinks the world is out to get him...especially zebras. He blew a call or two, but there is only one dude and who wouldn't...and at least this guy was trying as opposed to the burnout we've had in previous weeks...but I laid into the ref until he literally threw the flag at my face giving us an unsportsmanlike conduct penatly...and threatened to throw me out if I said another word..which I did...but I made sure to turn around and say it to the sky. Anyway, the douchebag was okay and I eventually apologized...after blowing out my shoulder and stewing in hate for another consollation game.

What else? Well...actually good news....the short film I recently did entitled, "Zombie Dodgeball" actually won the hex168.com short film contest we entered it into...pretty neat actually as we win a trip to LA and get a new xbox 360...that is if all goes right. We had to have all of this paperwork filled out and notarized within like 18 hours to not get disqualified...I think we did it right...and if we didn't and they hose us...I'm going to lose my shit and spend the rest of my life sending hate filled emails and voice messages to the ad agency responsible for this hoo-ha....

The Horror 100: #1

2005-11-12T18:53:00.000-06:00

Okay...well...I had posted this awhile back, but apparently I messed up, because I am noticing that it is not on the site....to the 3 or so people who probably are actually reading this thing...sorry about that....but with no further further ado...

#1 John Carpenter's The Thing
(1982, directed by John Carpenter, starring Kurt Russell, Keith David, Richard Masur, and Wilford Brimley)

John Carpenter's loose remake of Howard Hawk's 50's sci-fi classic "The Thing From Another World" is the culmination of everything I like in not only a horror movie, but a movie in general. What makes this film so special is that you could take out all the elements of the supernatural and of horror...all of the makeup and it would still be a great stand alone film. But when you add on top of that the single greatest example of special makeup effects ever put to film...and I do mean ever...and you have something really special. I consider Carpenter a true maverick and auteur with many masterpieces...but this one is his crowning moment...that's saying something.

This film is a much closer adaptation to the source material...the shorty story, "Who Goes There?" by John W. Campbell. It is a cold war allegory of paranoia, fear, and contempt. The acting in this film is absolutely top notch. The fact that they took away the only distraction from the original film, the love interest, and left us with just a secluded antarctic research base filled with 12 men who learn to distrust each other, was a stroke of genius on Carpenter's part.

This film has Grade A acting, directing, writing and story, special effects, cinematography, art and set design, music, et al. I mean this is really an example of what can happen when everything comes together and everyone is on the top of their respective games. You can feel the cold and you can sense the isolation and feeling of dread...there is no escape, because "we're a million miles from nowhere, man!" Every single actor in this film, in my opinion, can carry a film just because of their skill at their craft...however, the majority of the players are relegated to character actors in most films...but in this film...they all play an equal part...with the potential exception of Russell as MacReady. He is our defacto star...but what I like is that we leave this character at points and aren't sure where he's been or what he's been doing...taking the point of view of the rest of the men.

The story is a relatively simple one. A group of men are preparing for winter in an American Research Facility in Antarctica. One day a Norwegian helicopter lands on their base and 2 men get out and are shooting at a dog and acting mad. The helicopter explodes taking the life of one of the Norwegians due to an accident with a grenade (don't you hate it when that happens) and the other is shot by the Americans. The men decide they wan't to find out what made the Norwegians (or "crazy swedes" as Mac calls them) lose their minds the way they did...so they head on over to the Norwegins base camp and uncover several mysterious artifacts. Upon examination, the Americans discover that their is an alien organism that has the ability to imitate anything it touches, thus camouflaging itself from its predators. They suspect it crashed here 100,000 years ago and then the Norwegians uncovered it...and it went through them with the hopes of making it to a populated continent and taking over the world population. The group eventually decides that even if they can't make it through this..."that thing" can never make it to the coast.

The monster has no real shape making it a very fun and creative being that makeup guru Rob Bottin hit out of the park. I mean this when I say...never before....and never after has anyone come close to replicating the realism among the extraordinary that Bottin did on this film. His makeup effects on this are simply the best ever put to film. He was given a blank canvas on which to work by Carpenter and the story called for a creature who is essentially shapeless and can morph into anything...and it the morphing stage that is the most interesting and artistic...because it is a beautifully obscene stage in the evolution of this character's life and again Bottin nailed it.

Like I said previously, however, you could take all of that away and the interaction, distrust, and paranoia between the characters could carry this film easily. I love the core of actors Carpenter essembled and this is the only film in which he didn't score it himself (that I can remember)...instead he brough aboard famed spaghetti western composer Ennio Morricone...and his simplistic score is eerie and perfect. The opening shots of the panaramic snow-capped tundra of what is meant to be Antarctica melded with Morricones droning 2 notes is discomforting. Though the screen is as bright as it can be, what with the sun shining across a white landscape, you feel like you are in the blackest of holes with no chance for escape. And if a film can do that with a shot of nothing...imagine what else it holds.

This is by far my favorite film of all time for so many reasons...and I suspect that there are potentially a few of you who have never seen this film. It did rather ho-hum business upon initial release as everyone was still interested in nice aliens like ET...but it has found its legs in the home video market. It is a real testament to this films legs, impact, and staying power...that it actually found its audience through word of mouth and its raw power...not the hollywood marketing machine. If you have been one of those people unfortunate enough to walk through life never having seen this masterpiece...I envy you...because now you have a chance to see a real cinematic gem for the first time. Don't waste that opportunity.

The Horror 100: 3 and 2

2005-10-31T23:51:00.000-06:00

Only one left

#3 The Exorcist
(1973, directed by William Friedkin, starring Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair, Jason Miller, Max von Sydow, and Lee J. Cobb)

If "When a Stranger Calls" had the scariest opening fifteen minutes in the history of cinema…this film has the scariest 132 minutes in the history of cinema. The tension and scares begin the second the title is flashed on the screen in big red block lettering with the Iraqi soundtrack to the moment the title is flashed on the screen in big white block lettering at the end of the film.

The story, for those of you who have never seen it (if this applies to you….shame on you for having such a blatant disregard for quality cinema), revolves around the possession of a twelve year old girl, Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair). Regan, the daughter of famous movie star, Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn), starts to exhibit unusual behavior and is summarily brought to every doctor and psychiatrist in the country…but to no avail. It starts to become apparent to Chris that there is more going on here than lesions in the brain or mental illness. This is when the movie really starts to kick ass.

I saw the re-release of this flick at one of those fancy stadium type cinemas, chock full of annoying eighth graders, which I can’t understand, as I was carded to get into this film and so was my wife. We are both circa 30. The theater did eventually sweep out quite a few of the miscreants except, for some reason, the exceptionally annoying ones right behind us. The fact that they were there, however, ended up making my theater going experience even more fulfilling. How, you ask? These children, taught to ruin others’ enjoyment by Mystery Science Theatre (the downfall of the American Cinema Going Civilization) and expecting another waste of celluloid Scream rip-off, were unprepared for what they were in for. You see, they thought that all horror films were as tame and predictable as the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” series…they were wrong. They started off by making fun of the film until it grabbed them by the throats and shook the living shit out of them, then the laughter suddenly turned to screams, and finally those kids were too scared to make a sound. It was at this point that I think the kids realized that they were not prepared for what they got. What this says to me? This movie has still got it after over twenty-five years. The kids didn’t make a peep for the last 45 minutes of the film, except an occasional scream, and as I was leaving, I looked back to see four or five teenagers with faces as pale as “Captain Howdy” from the film.

The almost ten extra minutes of footage worked so well, in my opinion, that it is hard to see how it was ever left out in the first place. I was expecting some of the new scenes, having seen some of the footage before, and I was still shocked as hell at the way it was re-cut into the movie. The soundtrack has also been digitally re-mastered….which means high velocity pea soup projectile vomiting in surround sound. Now we’re talking.

The film features tremendous performances by such stars as Max Von Sydow (“The Virgin Spring”, “What Dreams May Come”), Jason Miller (“Rudy”, “Exorcist III”), and Lee J. Cobb (“12 Angry Men”, “The Three Faces of Eve”), as well as Oscar nominated performances by Blair and Burstyn. It is directed with a great eye by William Friedkin (“The French Connection”), and is based on the novel by William Peter Blatty, who also adapted the screenplay. It is visually stunning and the makeup effects are unbelievably well done by makeup maestro, Dick Smith.

Films like the Exorcist are what make cinema such a great thing. A movie should grab you by the short and curlies and not let go until the last credit roles. A film should take you to the brink, threaten to drop you, and finally release you. Whether it is a tearjerker or a knee-slapper, a film that does not elicit your deepest emotions is a waste of time. A comedy is meant to make you laugh until you nearly wet your pants, a drama is supposed to nearly evoke tears, and a horror film is made to disturb you and leave you uncomfortable (at least one’s that don’t star somebody from Party of Five). The Exorcist is one of those films. So if you’re looking for another hip, light-hearted horror film full of predictable “cat jumping out of the closet” scares and starring pretty, yet talent deficient rejects from the WB network….don’t see this flick, go to the video store and rent the latest candy-ass Neve Campbell movie. For those of you who still enjoy a good scare-fest, full of macabre imagery and intelligence….then The Exorcist is for you.

So for all of you who have seen this movie umpteen times…all of you who have seen it one time….and especially all of the tragically misguided who have never seen this film in any version…RUN, DON’T WALK to the nearest video store and see this film NOW.

#2 Suspiria
(1977, directed by Dario Argento, starring Jessica Harper, Joan Bennett, and Udo Kier)

The tagline states that the only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first 92…well I'd like to state that this is another one of those films with a masterful opening 15 minutes. If "When a Stranger Calls" has the scariest opening 15 minutes…this is #2.

The film opens with a creepy narrator we never hear from again, an absolutely earth shatteringly driving score by Goblin , and a woman arriving at the airport and hailing a cab in a driving rainstorm. She is unable to gain entrance into her destination and later sees a woman running through something that resembles the black forest of Germany. This woman arrives at a breathtakingly baroque apartment complex with deep reds and unnerving symmetry. This is just the open.

The story revolves around Suzy Banyan, an American ballet dancer who has come to Germany to study at a famous ballet school….a famous ballet school with a creepy secret. All the while there is a madman on the loose murdering people. This film is beautifully photographed in three strip Technicolor (one of the last films to utilize this approach) with vivid color and breathtaking imagery. The colors in this film are other-worldly and add to the horror fairy tale that Argento creates. I can't stress this enough…this is quite probably the most beautiful horror film ever shot and, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful films of any genre ever shot.

As I've mentioned before, Argento is not usually very pre-occupied by story and acting. He is a visual director who prefers to tell his story through atmosphere, angles, soundtrack, and imagery. Well, this is clearly Argento's masterpiece…his visual flair is better than ever, but also, the story makes sense even if it is meant to be dreamlike, and his actors are at their best, but as per usual, that is not what makes this film a masterpiece.

If you've never seen a Dario Argento film…you can't go wrong with this being your first. Turn the sound up, turn the lights down and enjoy Italy's finest director's finest film.

The Horror 100: 5 and 4

2005-10-31T23:42:00.000-06:00

2 classics of 70's horror cinema, 70's cinema in general, horror cinema overall, and just plain cinema period...

#5 George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead
(1978, directed by George A. Romero, starring Ken Foree, David Emge, Scott Reiniger, and Gaylen Ross)

Romero is a genius, and his dead trilogy (or quadrilogy now) is probably the overall crowning achievement in horror…and this is the best of the 4 films…this is an epic masterpiece. This is the sequel to Night of the Living Dead and Romero's 70's entry into the series. It is an assault on the consumerism of our society and an assault on our senses.

The film starts as there is still a small kernel of normalcy in our society….we are still fighting back and trying to understand and overcome the zombie invasion. When the four compatriots "run" it seems so does society and all go underground to try and survive. The group hold up in a "large indoor shopping mall." This offers them what appears to be everything they need and they are able to play house and pretend that all is okay as they have all sorts of "stuff." They clean the place of zombies who just keep coming as they remember that the mall "used to be someplace important to them."

All goes well until the place is raided by a roving gang of bikers who want to pillage the place for themselves. This obviously ends the original four's utopian mirage and they are forced to decide what to do…stay and die…or leave and continue to survive.

I can't find one thing I dislike about this movie (save the fact the blood is a little too red). The acting is perfect. The gore is relentless. The story is compelling and this film actually has something to say. The film is more a character study that focuses on the interaction of our main characters than it is a zombie film…I mean the zombies are sort of background to the story…they are a means for Romero to tell an allegory. Don't get me wrong there is enough violence in this 2 and a half hour film to numb you to it, as was intended by the filmmakers, but it is secondary to the story and the social commentary.

This is the epitome of horror films I like…films with a voice and societal opinions…films with great characters and great inter-character interaction…films with great atmosphere and story…films with great acting, directing, and cinematography…films with great effects….and films that would stand up if you took away all of the horror elements. This has it all.

#4 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(1974, directed by Tobe Hooper, starring Marilyn Burns, Jim Siedow, Gunnar Hansen, and Edwin Neal)

This is the modern classic about a group of college students that go on an ill-fated daytrip. They unfortunately meet up with a grisly family of cannibals, who have seemingly found an unlimited amount of uses for human skin and body parts. This is a quite stylistic film that has a certain unrelenting edge to it that makes this a masterpiece.

It is another one of those 1970's horror films that was born of societal pressures and was as much a reaction to the decade as it was a product of it. Just the fact that there was no gas for the stranded kids to get is a product of the gas shortage of the time. This was another of those films documenting the "real." The villains in this film aren't supernatural or inhuman forces, they are real guys with too much time on their hands. They are unemployed hillbillies that spend too much time with each other and too little time learning of the entirety of the world. These are guys I believe live in this world, or at least could.

The film, like many of the era, was shot on super 16mm both for monetary and budgetary constraints as well as for aesthetic choice. It really gives the film a realistic, documentary feel and makes the film even grittier than it already is. The acting is very realistic. I believe the interactions not only in extraordinary situations, but in the mundane situations…that rarely happens. The only part of this film that doesn't hold up is the dress.

There is hardly a drop of blood in the film, despite all of the things you've heard of this film…the gore didn't come to the sequel….the beauty of this film is that you just assume you are being inundated with carnage as it just feels gross.

The Horror 100: 7 and 6

2005-10-31T22:49:00.000-06:00

We are getting very close...

#7 The Last House on the Left
(1972, directed by Wes Craven, starring David Hess, Lucy Grantham, Sandra Cassel, Marc Sheffler, and Fred Lincoln)

This is Wes Craven's first, and arguably his best, film. The film is shot on 16mm and has a feel, as many films of that time period, of a documentary. It is as much a sign of its times as it is a horror film. It came about after 2 hippies (Craven and producer Sean S. Cunningham) went and saw a "man with no name" western and counted something like 300 dead bodies…but they were "movie dead." That is, it was almost cartoon like, the violence. At this time, the images on the evening news each night were that of violence in Vietnam, and these 2 hippies decided to bring the violence home in cinema form.

They were going to push the envelope as much as they could and put the violence right in the audience's face…well they did that for the time, and for today. The film centers around 2 girlfriends going to the big city for a concert. They try and score some grass and are kidnapped, raped, and tortured, and finally killed by a crew of escaped convicts. The killers then take refuge at one of the murdered children's house, and when the parents find out…well, I'm sure you get the idea.

The violence is certainly in your face, but even the killers have a conscience and show remorse, giving them a humanity that makes the film all the more realistic and frightening. These aren't mindless killing machine monsters…no, they are your mechanic, your neighbor, your friend.

The questions raised in this film regarding what can push an average person to violence, and what you would do in the parents place, are as relevant today as they were in 1972. The goofy folk music soundtrack (performed by Hess) is haunting in its dichotomy with the realism of the violence. It is also kick ass.

The acting, though goofy in parts, is all too realistic in the scenes it needs to be. I truly believe that Krug and company are enjoying the torment, and I truly feel Mari and Phyllis' pain, humiliation, and desperation. This film is not for everyone and you will certainly want to take a shower after watching it, but it is violence as it truly is, and the unflinching eye in which it is represented is as powerful as any film I've ever seen.

#6 Hellraiser
(1987, directed by Clive Barker, starring Ashley Laurence, Andrew Robinson, Clare Higgins, Sean Chapman, and Doug Bradley)

This film is essentially a haunted house story with a twist. It revolves around a man who has come back from hell, but needs blood to survive. This man, Frank, is being tracked by the demons, which he invited into his life and subsequently took him to hell. He is living in the attic of his brother's house and the attic of the house of his brother's wife…also his ex-lover. She is more than happy to help him return by bringing him blood.

This is Clive Barker's first film and it a masterpiece. It is stylistic and intelligent, and it introduced the film going community to arguably the most charismatic monsters of all time, the cenobites. The cenobites are an elegant group of S&M candidates that come to you through your desire and curiosity…that is it. They are summoned from a puzzle box that must be solved for them to come. The cenobites are lead by "lead cenobite" who is more commonly known as Pinhead, a very intelligent being who communicates with a dashing charm, and sinister edge.

This film is very intimate and claustrophobic as the monsters are living in the attic of a small house with a narrow staircase leading to Uncle Frank and the portal to the cenobites. The acting is second to none, and I think I just may give actors with British accents more slack, as they sound more professional…though distributor Canon films dubbed some of the British accents as they thought American audiences would tune out…weird. Anyway, all of the actors, British and American, put in stellar performances and Barker's direction is flawless.

You've probably seen this film, but check it out again…it's that good.

The Horror 100: 9 and 8

2005-10-31T19:04:00.000-06:00

Now, isn't this getting exciting...alright don't answer that...I may be a bit of a loser, but who cares. Here is a film a lot of you have probably never seen, and another film you may not consider a "horror" film...but it's my list so F you.

#9 When a Stranger Calls
(1979, directed by Fred Walton, starring Carol Kane, Charles Durning, and Tony Beckley)

The first fifteen minutes of this film may be the scariest 15 minutes in the history of cinema. One of the only few things to rival it are the final five. The film is based on an old babysitter fable that I don't want to reveal as it will potentially ruin the film…but the film opens with Carol Kane arriving to baby-sit for the Mandrakis family who are heading out for the evening.

Carol Kane was 27 at the time, but she looked as young (if not younger) than the high school girl she was playing. Her wide eyes emoted the innocence as much as her subtle performance. Kane played babysitter, Jill Johnson, who immediately begins to receive harassing and menacing phone calls from a man who doesn't just do the typical heavy breathing…he continuously asks her "have you checked the children?" The scene is shot brilliantly and paced perfectly. The editing and camera angles create an absolutely gut wrenching suspense that you can feel in your tense nerves. The eerie music and sound design add to the tension. It is one of the very few perfect scenes you will ever see.

The middle of this film gets a little slow, but I like it and enjoy the character development and getting to know our villain. There are also a few good scares mixed in…then we get to the end of the film and another scene that will have you jumping out of your skin. If you haven't seen this film, nor have you heard about it…do yourself a favor. Go to the video store, rent it, go home, turn out all the lights, make some popcorn, and set a perfect scary movie mood, then watch this film alone…it is scary as hell!

#8 Requiem for a Dream

(2000, directed by Darren Aronofsky, starring Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, and Marlon Wayans)

“Requiem for a Dream,” the sophomore effort by “Pi” director, Darren Aronofsky, is a darkly hypnotic vision of addiction and delusion. It features outstanding and daring performances by an ensemble cast and some of the best cinematography I’ve ever seen. This is a brilliant adaptation of Hubert Selby’s dark 1968 novel by the same name, and it is the highest ranked "not quite a horror movie" to make the list. Don't be fooled however….this is a horror movie…it is some of the most disturbing cinema moments I've ever been privy to. Try to not get a physical reaction to the final 30 minutes of this film.

The story deals with the intertwining lives of four addicts reaching for their version of the “american dream.” A widowed mother, Sara Goldfarb, played brilliantly by Ellen Burstyn (“The Exorcist,” “The Last Picture Show”), who is hopelessly addicted to television also becomes addicted to diet pills when she is told she will appear on her favorite television program. Struggling to fit into her favorite red dress, she takes a friend’s advice and decides to visit a croaker doctor, who hands out diet pills like popcorn. Meanwhile, Sara’s son, Harry, played by Jared Leto (“American Psycho,” “Fight Club”), is struggling to make the one “big score” while dealing with his heroin addiction. Harry and his girlfriend, Marion, played by Jennifer Connelly (“Dark City,” “Labyrinth”), are reaching for the historically unattainable junkie dream. Aided by the assistance of their junkie cohort, Tyrone, played excellently by Marlon Wayans (“Scary Movie,” “Senseless”), the couple strives to make the “big score” that will set the three of them up with dope for life and cash to start a small business.

Needless to say, nothing comes easily for the four drug addled compatriots, and the real story becomes the sacrifices made and the proverbial lines crossed to stay afloat in a narcotic fueled environment. The dreams, nightmares, and regrets of the four become an integral part of the story line as their goals become simultaneously closer and farther away.

The true power of this film, however, is its style, photography, and performances. Matthew Libatique (“Pi”) returns as Aronofsky’s director of photography, and this time, he left behind the highly contrasting look of black and white reversal film and explored the beauty and despair of color film. This is where the film strikes perfection. The lighting and composition are absolutely flawless, with Libatique and Aronofsky capturing a gritty, dark vision with deep greens and stunning blues. The four stars of the film put in exemplary performances, but I was most impressed by Marlon Wayans, who took a big risk, departing from comedy and taking on a highly dramatic role. This is, by leaps and bounds, his best performance to date, and I hope he continues to cut his dramatic teeth on roles such as this because I think he can excel as a dramatic actor. Unfortunately, his next (ahem) film was Scary Movie 2.

Another notable about this film is that the producers took a commendable stand by releasing this film unrated, instead of subjecting the film to censorship via public enemy #1, the MPAA. Instead of releasing it with the (unfortunately) kiss of death stamp, NC-17, or cutting scenes to appease the MPAA and get an R rating, they forwent the whole system and released it unrated. So even if you hated “Pi”, get out there and support a film which took a stand against censorship and show the suits out there that controversial, adult-natured films can be profitable too.

My recommendation for this film…get out there and employ your opportunity to see a truly innovative, visually stunning piece of cinema. Rarely will you get a chance to see the combination of striking cinematography, outstanding acting, and daringly poignant subject matter. Aronofsky has officially taken the idea of the “sophomore slump” and shoved it back in the viewer’s faces. See this film and see the reason the Academy Awards are officially a sham....watch this and try and convince yourself that Julia Roberts in "Erin Brokovich" put in a better performance than Ellen Burstyn in this film…this may be the finest acting performance ever put in by an actress.

The Horror 100: 11 and 10

2005-10-31T18:26:00.000-06:00

Well here are the next 2...and 2 distinctly different films...one realistic enough to make you cringe and one from a supernatural world of evil...

#11 Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
(1986, directed by John McNaughton, starring Michael Rooker, Tom Towles, and Tracy Arnold)

This is one of the most gritty, realistic pictures you are likely to ever see. It is loosely based on the true life exploits of Henry Lee Lucas and his cohort Otis Toole. Now, I say loosely, because after being caught those two laid claim to some 300 murders, changed their stories endlessly, and genuinely enjoyed toying with the police. Otis actually admitted to Adam Walsh murder after seeing the made for tv movie, Adam. Though most of the murders they claimed to commit were impossible for them to do so, due to the distances, they did kill many people, and were truly sick human beings.

This film captures the insanity, and the mundane brutality of these 2 sickos. I believe this film is most probably the truest depiction of a serial killer….that is…nothing special. Henry is just a guy most of the time…a guy with a soft spot in his heart, but also a guy who is constantly thinking of raping and murdering innocent people, simply because he wants to.

This is Michael Rooker's finest hour as an actor, period. He has done much bigger films, and some would argue much better films as well (I'm not one of those people), but his ability to give this monster a humanity and an overwhelming sense of the mundane "ordinary Joe" was extraordinary. The acting all around was perfect. Otis was played by genre vet, Tom Towles, and he made me want to crawl out of my skin he was so creepy and sleazy.

It really is the ordinary lives of the killers that gives this film its power. When you see Henry at home eating dinner and sticking up for Otis' sister, it makes it that much more powerful when you see him break into a couple's home, rape the wife, force the husband to watch, kill them all (including the children), and videotape the whole thing. The film is gritty and shot on 16mm, the acting top notch, the pacing perfect, and the whole thing is haunting.

This film may not be for everyone…though it is not overly gory, there are a few scenes that are extremely difficult to watch, if not from the graphic nature, from how they are shot and how believable they are. The realism in this film will make you cringe, and lock your doors. To quote Tobe Hooper, "people scare me."…this isn't Freddy, it isn't Jason, this is just some guy who you've probably stood in line behind at the convenience store.

#10 The Evil Dead
(1981, directed by Sam Raimi, starring Bruce Campbell and Ellen Sandweiss)

The Evil Dead is a classic of horror cinema and despite the pop culture love of this film and the hipster dufus worship of Bruce Campbell (myself included), I feel that a lot of people have missed this one. Everyone thinks they've seen this one because they've seen Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, but they haven't. Though this film has some of that tongue in cheek humor and absurd comic book gore, it is also pretty f'ing scary.

Evil Dead 2 was hilarious and cool and fun…but not real scary. The Evil Dead is. It is a story of 5 friends who go to a cabin in the woods for a weekend getaway…and damned if they don't accidentally recite the incantations that bring the evil "deadites" back to the land of the living. Well that is not something you want to do, as these deadites are hellbent on destroying humans and turning them into one of them…and these deadites are rather successful at what they do.

Bruce Campbell is, of course, genius as the much less cock-sure Ash, and Sam Raimi is showing the flashes of what would later give him the keys to the spider man money printing machine. He has a definite visual flair that finds its way through the miniscule budget and onto the screen. Do yourself a favor and if you've only ever seen Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness…give this one a try instead….it's worth it.

The Horror 100: 13 and 12

2005-10-31T16:18:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the extreme delay in the horror 100. I've had a very busy week and the entries will be coming fast and furious all night until we get to #1...also, expect some zombie dodgeball....with no further delay...

#13 The Serpent and the Rainbow
(1988, directed by Wes Craven, starring Bill Pullman, Cathy Tyson, Zakes Mokae, and Paul Winfield)

This movie has it all…scares, great effects, great acting, great directing, great writing, but mostly…it's just a great story. It revolves around an anthropologist who searches Cuba for a famed "zombie" drug where the user is perceived dead, is buried, then is unearthed and is still alive. The anthropologist wants the drug as a potential breakthrough in anesthesiology, but the road he has to travel to find it, is a dangerous one.

We are taken into a world of Hatian voodoo, witchdoctors, zombies, curses, and magic. Craven truly spins a fantastic yarn and this may be the crowning achievement of his directing career…it may not be his best film, but it is certainly his best job as a director. Bill Pullman does the finest acting of his career (in my opinion) as our protagonist, Dr. Alan…and when he speaks the memorable lines "don't let them bury me…I'm not dead," it's still chilling to this day.

The film is loosely based on Wade Davis' non fiction account of his anthropological travels to Haiti. Davis' was a professor at Harvard whose account was as riveting as the film. This film is a great example of ambitious horror cinema that seeks to say more than just "boo."

#12 Legion: The Exorcist III
(1990, directed by William Peter Blatty, starring George C. Scott, Brad Dourif, Ed Flanders, and Jason Miller)

If this is a film that William Peter Blatty was not satisfied with and claims the studio ruined it…boy, would I love to see what was originally envisioned and potentially shot, because this is a masterpiece. This film is much maligned and considered faulted…I whole-heartedly disagree. I consider this almost as good as the original, and that's saying an awful lot.

Blatty is the writer of the original Exorcist as well as the writer and director of this film, and he did what the Exorcist II couldn't…he made a truly terrifying sequel and a great continuation of the mythology created in the original. This film stars George C. Scott as our old friend Detective Kinderman from the original film.

Kinderman is slap dab in the middle of a serial killer with an apparent vendetta against the church. The killer shares the M.O. of another murderer set to death 15 years earlier, the Gemini Killer. The situation gets even stranger when Kinderman discovers a man who is identical to Father Damien Karras, the priest from the original, locked in the psych ward's padded cells.

Karras claims to be the Gemini Killer, who has simply possessed Karras as a slap in the face to the church. If it sounds confusing and intriguing…it is. But it is also, damn scary, atmospheric, smart, and tack on more adjectives…it's that good. The writing in this film is so very clever and the dialogue is more realistic than most I've ever seen, adding to the sense that this unrealistic situation could actually be happening. Scott is genius as Kinderman and it makes me sad that Blatty has not directed another film as his direction of the "simple" scenes of just character interaction, borrowing heavily from Robert Altman's overlapping dialogue, is as good as his ability to set scares. I count 3 of the creepiest scenes I've ever watched and 1 where I still jump to this day and I know exactly when it's going to happen.

I consider this one of the scariest horror films of all time, but it truly has it all…please give it another chance if you thought it was just another sequel looking to profit from the name of its predecessor.

The Horror 100: 15 and 14

2005-10-25T01:36:00.000-05:00

2 great and completely different films today

#15 The Beyond
(1981, directed by Lucio Fulci, starring Catriona MacColl and David Warbeck)

Lucio Fulci is a bona fide horror master…and this is his bona fide masterpiece. Italian horror is very different from American horror, and lots of people, even horror fans, don't much enjoy it. That said…this is pretty much a consensus Italian horror classic. Fulci is mainly known for his pension for gore…well…he doesn't disappoint.

The story is that a New Orleans hotel is built on one of the 7 doors of hell…that has to suck…and the new owner is just finding out why she can't get the place up and running smoothly…where her plumber is…why there is a tortured 19th century zombie in her wall…you know the usual entrepreneurial pitfalls.

That is pretty much it…and that's thick on story for a typical Fulci flick, but as we all know by now…that's not why we watch a Fulci flick. And for the record, the acting, and, for the most part, the dubbing is very good in this film. But the gore, the overall sense of dread, the atmosphere, and the apocalyptic feel of the film are all top notch. This film also has the best tarantula scene you will likely see (or see through your hands judging by how squeamish you are).

#14 28 Days Later
(2002, directed by Danny Boyle, starring Cilian Murphy, Naomie Harris, Brendan Gleeson, Megan Burns, and Christopher Eccleston)

28 Days later is one of a handful of films made in the last few years that has renewed my faith in the continued success of my beloved genre. Not the survival or the financial perseverance, but the ability for my genre to still have filmmakers with a voice…with something to say…and with the ability to say it. This is one of those films, and again…it may have been a lot higher on the list had I had more years to ruminate on it.

The film owes a lot of its story to Dawn of the Dead, including one grocery store scene that was more plagiarism than homage, but it brings a lot new to the table as well. This film actually doesn't have any "zombies"…the mindless horde in this film are the "infected" which are humans who have been infected by something called rage…which makes the infected hysterically violent and one tracked within seconds of contamination…and the rub in this one is that you can't only get it from being bitten but by any fluid exchange into your bloodstream.

As the one sheet states…its Day 1: Exposure, Day 3 Infection, Day 8 Epidemic, Day 15 Evacuation, and Day 20 Devestation. We arrive at day 3 and return 28 days later after total devastation where there are just a few pockets of survivors remaining in London. The eventually find each other and the typical questions raised in apocalyptic films are raised…such as what makes us human?...and who are the real animals? I really enjoy apocalyptic films as they really make you think about what you would do in similar situations and what are the values that you would attempt to hold on to, thus asking what makes you you?

The acting in this film deserved academy award nominations as far as I'm concerned, but obviously that didn't happen and I even loved the cinematography. The film was shot on digital video which I typically hate as I am a bit of a film snob, but this is one of the films that has started to help change my mind…it is truly breathtaking. The shutter speed effect they use on the infected is perfect. There are so many other great technical aspects in this film, like the look and movement of the infected which they obviously spent a lot of time with as well as their sound.

The score is also perfect…the opening segment with Godspeed you Black Emperor's "East Hastings" is the perfect marriage of cinema and music…they work so well together and I was shocked to learn that it was a pre-recorded piece of music that was not made for the film. They really drive each other and the confusion is enforced, followed by the sorrow and the fear.

This truly is one of those perfect films that only come around every so often…I've yet to meet someone, who isn't my parent, that doesn't really enjoy this film. It is very much a modern masterpiece.

The Horror 100: 17 and 16

2005-10-24T07:58:00.000-05:00

It's time for some more cabinets and Carpenters

#17 The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
(1920, directed by Robert Wiene, starring Werner Krauss, Conrad Veidt, and Lil Dagover)

Okay...now this is a fantastic film, that I bet a lot of you haven't seen...or maybe you have. If you are a film nerd like myself and actually enjoy the Silent German Expressionistic Horror genre (okay genre maybe a bit much, but there are at least 3 films)...you love this one.

The film was originally written by Hans Janowitz and Carl Mayer in 1919 as an anti-war, anti-establishment film...and it was originally shot that way too by director, Robert Wiene, but when the distributors caught wind of the anti-German sentiment, they hired another well known director, Fritz Lang, to write and direct the bookends that you now see on the finished film.

The film is about a mad scientist essentially who takes his traveling circus sideshow from town to town...his booth is a somnambulist (or a person who can be hypnotized and sleepwalk to you and me) named Cesare. Cesare is set upon to do other more dastardly things by his master, Dr. Caligari however and eventually we learn that Caligari works at an asylum treating mental patients.

This was the writers view of government being actually mad themselves, and at the end of the original film, Caligari is locked up for being mad...but in the bookends, it was all a madman's delusion...and after hearing the story, Caligari now knows how to "cure him." The message is not seeped out by this ploy, but in my opinion it is accentuated.

This film is absolutely gorgeous as well (boy did that sound gay). The sets are all works of art fit for a museum, but it is message that comes through strongest in this film...and was clearly ahead of its time in Germany....

Sure its a silent film and its different from your normal viewing, but it's only about an hour and there is so much there to bite into...give your mind an work out and watch this film

#16 John Carpenter's The Fog
(1980, directed by John Carpenter, starring Tom Atkins, Jamie Lee Curtis, Adrienne Barbeau, Hal Holbrooke, Charles Cyphers, and Janet Leigh)

Ah...more Carpenter. The man truly is a master and I consider him not only a maven of horror cinema, but a true maverick of independent cinema and one of the best directors there ever was. This little forgotten gem is another piece of celluloid proof.

Carpenter's use of the camera in this film gives it an epic atmosphere that is rarely seen. The opening scene with John Houseman is flat out perfect and the transition from that scene to the shot overlooking "Antonio Bay" is gorgeous and one of the eeriest opening credits I've ever seen...and it's so simple.

The film is about a horde of ghost pirates who have returned (from midnight to 1am...the withcing hour) to seek revenge for the conspirators who set out to murder them. The ghosts ride in to town on a fog bank...and they are pissed and viscious...but they are really secondary to the rest of the film...and I believe the fog is actually secondary as well. Carpenter's atmosphere is what runs this film. Even the daytime scenes of Stevie's child picking up driftwood in a perfectly safe area leaves you feeling unempty...and Stevie's extra long walk to her lighthouse radio staion is another throw away scene that just adds to the whole feel of this film.

This is a creepy, atmospheric ghost story starring adults....can you believe it....ADULTS (with the exception of the young Jamie Lee Curtis...but she's not a teenager in this either). Tom Atkins steals the show as he always does and Hal Holbrooke does a fine job as Father Malone...but Carpenter is the true star of this film...and I think I actually like this score to his Halloween score...it's that creepy.

If you haven't seen this film...see it. If you haven't seen this film, but have seen ads for the remake and figure that the original must suck as well...you're wrong...ther remake sucks...not this. This is a little piece of gold that might have slipped past you...and the only good thing to come of that remake is that Mr. Carpenter will get a nice check, and some people may find the original film again.

The Horror 100: 19 and 18

2005-10-24T07:12:00.000-05:00

#19 Psycho
(1960, directed by Alfred Hitchcock, starring Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, and Vera Miles)

This is Alfred Hitchcock's only trip into my list...not because he's not a genius, but because he mainly did suspense films and not "horror." Though this film has a lot of mystery and suspense in it...it is a bona fide horror movie....and one of the best at that. The film was extraordinarily taboo for its time...what with extramarital sex, cross dressing, seeing women in various states of undress...though never really seeing anything...thats why Hitch is the master.

The film kicks off with a woman robbing her boss for a good chunk of money and setting out to free herself and run away with her boyfriend... She just has to make a pit stop at a motel...The Bates Motel...yeah, you've probably heard of it...or even seen it if you've ever been to Universal Studios. The film is clearly legendary...and it is legendary for a reason. This story is rock solid...the acting is very good (though it is still that stage acting style for the most part which I am not usually fond of)..and Hitch is at the top of his game...his use of camera angles, sound, and editing are masterful. You would think that the film wouldn't have its original intended effect on someone like me...but when I first saw it in junior high...I didn't feel like taking a shower...and I wasn't even a chick...though I guss it could be said that I probably didn't much care for showering prior to that at that age.

Bloch's story is masterful...Saul Bass' titles are genius...the score is legendary and completely off-putting and shizophrenic and this is just an all around good movie. Do yourself a favor and check in to the Bates Motel one more time...you'll be glad you did....

p.s. Shama-lama-ding-dong owes his whole career to this movie...trick endings you see

#18 Halloween
(1978, directed by John Carpenter, starring Donald Pleasance, Jamie Lee Curtis, P.J. Soles, Nancy Loomis, and Charles Cyphers)

Ah, the original, the classic, the masterpiece, Carpenter's calling card. This film, despite the watering down of his original characters through countless shitty sequels, is as fresh today as it was in 1978. Boy, Carpenter was really on a roll back then...Assault on Precinct 13 into Halloween into The Fog into Escape From New York into The Thing...I mean that's a career right there...and not just a good career...an auteur's career...and to think he wasn't done with those. Anyway, Halloween (originally titled The Babysitter Murders) is a simplistic as it gets...man in mask stalks teens...I mean come on...basic...then why has this film been endlessly imitated, sequelized, and pontificated over....because the film was done to perfection.

This was independent cinema at its best...a small determined crew taking a simple story and finding greatness in it. The acting is top notch (that's right, slasher films can have top notch acting) with Carpenter's usual suspects, Charles Cyphers, Jamie Lee Curtis, P.J. Soles, Nancy Loomis, and Donald Pleasance. The dialogue, for the most, is very lively and even the pat dialogue is given life by this incredible stable of actors.

Now to what this film is really known for...that score...I don't think I know anyone who doesn't know that driving 5/4 score. It really gave this film life and a great pace and made you constantly on edge. The mask itself was scary for god's sake...the expressionless version of William Shatner is downright freaky and Dean Cundey's photography is beautiful. I don't usually dig on the blue gels to accentuate night...but Cundey is always doing it and I'm always loving it...maybe it's just it coupled with the anamorphic widescreen Carpenter insists upon...but whatever it is...it works.

I could give you a plot rundown...but why? You've all seen it...if you haven't...you know what the plot is, because you've seen it countless times....now see it how it was intended....this is formula done to perfection...and with a little flair.

The Horror 100: 21 and 20

2005-10-21T00:24:00.000-05:00

whoo...films pre-1980...now we are back to normal for a list by me...

#21 Phantasm
(1979, directed by Don Coscarelli, starring A. Michael Baldwin, Bill Thornbury, Reggie Bannister, and Angus Scrimm)

If this one doesn't scare you….you're already dead. At least that's what the tagline claimed and I have to say I concur. Phantasm is a very original and quirky horror film by maverick director, Don Coscarelli, a man who apparently became pigeonholed and has hardly done a film other than then the 4 Phantasm films (with the glaring exception of Bubba Ho-Tep).

Phantasm revolves around an adolescent boy who has recently lost his parents and his fear of losing his brother leads the overly inquisitive boy to witness strange things transpiring at the local mausoleum. These strange things involve someone known only as "The Tall Man" and his group of strange jawa like dwarves. I mean, the plot to this one is really out there, but for some reason, you never stop to question it…it's just a freak out session. This tall man and his band of merry men lead us in a very spooky environment and I find myself still feeling trepidacious when I watch the film. I know what is going to happen, but I still don't want it too…that's how creepy these weirdos are.

The Tall Man is played to perfection by Angus Scrimm and he is pursuing one of the genre's favorites, Reggie Bannister. The Tall Man has become a horror icon for a reason…he is truly freaky and before he became a caricature of himself…he was even more so. His one-liners (I believe he has something like five lines at best in the film) have become nothing short of genre classics…they are simply unforgettable. These one-liners usually coincide with extraordinarily freaky scares.

The film does have a lot of seventies in it (which in my opinion isn't a bad thing), but it still holds up today if you can get past the clothes and haircuts…and some of the dialogue…which any dope with a brain can do. Anyway this film is a cult film among cult films, and among cult film fans, it is "Citizen Kane."

In the immortal words of the Tall Man...."BOOOOOOYYYY!!!"

#20 Night of the Living Dead
(1968, directed by George A. Romero, starring Duane Jones and Judith O'Dea)

I feel awkward even writing a blurb about this film…that's how sacred a piece of cinema this is. This film really began a new era in horror cinema where the horror could be "real." This film is one of the first I remember seeing in which the acting didn't seem like it was stage acting…the actors didn't seem aware of the camera…it was a new era of filmmaking and Romero was one of the maverick directors ready to make his mark….He did.

The film, originally title "Night of the Flesh Eaters," follows a woman who narrowly escaped death at the hands of what Romero referred to at the time as a ghoul (but were later dubbed zombies), and precedes to hold up in a seemingly abandoned farmhouse. A man soon joins her…this man was played by Duane Jones and was the first lead actor in a horror film (at least is purported to be) who was African-American. Eventually there is a group of six people in this farmhouse surrounded by a ever growing hoard of zombies.

The acting in this film is top notch and it was shot in black and white. The film isn't overtly gory, but I don't recall seeing much cannibalism on screen prior to this film. It was made on a shoe-string budget, and like many films made for little money with a very creative talent directing…magic is made. Thus was the case with Night of the Living Dead. Think about it…everyone who knows anything at all about zombies and some who don't knows that they feast on the flesh of the living…the only way to kill them is to kill the brain or remove the head…and that, despite recent contradictions, they are slow moving….where do you think that comes from? Romero and this film…that's who.

It is a shame that the producers on this film copyrighted the name "Night of the Flesh Eaters" and not the title "Night of the Living Dead," thus making the film public domain. It wasn't until the late eighties that a copyright wasn't needed…this has cost Romero millions I'm sure…but it was that cavalier attitude that helped produce the masterpiece. They didn't know what they were making…they just made it because they wanted to…and if you put talented people together without an agenda, good things can happen. They certainly did here…this film will never be forgotten. I try to watch it once a year…now's as good a time as any.

6 ways to shut a pony up...

2005-10-20T16:27:00.000-05:00

Well...here it is The 5-0 Ship Its vs. the 4-0-1 Pony Remarks....What's at stake? An undefeated regular season for The Ship Its.....how do you shut a pony up....The Green Machine D, that's how. They didn't know what they get themselves involved in....we left them bloodied and disoriented. We felt the need to give them a TD just to make the game closer at 20-14...then we tightened the noose and shut em down.

Now, again, you may think The Sisteen Chapel was a great accomplish...horse shit. How about the building of the pyramids....lick my nuts, Egyptians. Maybe the Red Sox epic 3-0 comeback in the 2004 ALCS...okay bad example...that was kick ass. Or even the human mastery of flight....how about the human mastery of who gives a shit??? that's what it equates to when you put it up against the Ship Its epic 2005 regular season....Next Up....the playoffs

The Horror 100: 23 and 22

2005-10-20T15:39:00.000-05:00

2 top notch films today...one is even from my hated decade of the 90's

#23 Candyman
(1990, directed by Bernard Rose, starring Virginia Madsen, Tony Todd, and Xander Berkeley)

Okay, another Clive Barker film…well, sort of. Barker wrote the short story, The Forbidden, that it's based on. The film is actually directed by Bernard Rose who went on to direct films like Immortal Beloved and Anna Karenina. Rose, in Candyman, directed the only film of his career with any impact…and does it ever have an impact.

This is a truly scary film and the first real urban fairy tale. It takes the same sorts of myth and legend that was always circulated in ancient times to help understand modern problems. The film was truly unique in its time and stands up today. From the opening credits with Phillip Glass' truly haunting and driving score, through the opening scene starring Ted Raimi which I openly claim truly terrified me and made me jump like a little girl, all the way to the end of the film…the film is flat out scary….and not only that, but a good film and not just a good horror film.

You care about these characters and everything they do is believable in unbelievable circumstances. The acting is top notch, but it really is the mythos and score that make this film what it is in my opinion. Give great actors great material and films like this get made.

True, this film spawned 2 forgettable sequels and this is considered just another horror movie, but watch it again with a more discerning eye and you will find something much more substantial.

#22 The Hills Have Eyes
(1977, directed by Clive Barker, starring Susan Lanier, Robert Houston, Martin Speer, Russ Grieve, and Dee-Wallace Stone)

Ah…the seventies…when independent film was truly independent and horror films were truly horrific. This film is gritty and nasty. Shot on super 16mm film giving it that typical early documentary feel, the film feels like being stuck in a nightmare.

Based on the true life exploits of the Sawney Beane family, consisting of Beane, his wife, and 14 children. They were a feral clan who picked off travelers in the Highlands of Scotland in the 1400's and feasted on them. The cannibals were eventually caught, ruled insane, and put to death.

The film follows a family going traveling across the desert in a mobile home, who blow out a tire and get caught in the middle of nowhere and are being stalked by a clan not unlike the Sawney Beane family. The film gets savage very quickly and the clan show no mercy and neither does Craven. I still get chills watching the invasion of the mobile home.

This was Craven's second film and in my opinion his second best…his early work clearly had the most soul and raw energy…as he became a more polished filmmaker, he seemed to lose a lot of his voice and energy. Don't get me wrong…I think Craven is one of the all time greats in our genre…and I think the MPAA and the society's moral climate was as responsible for the dumbing down of our beloved genre…but he clearly had more raw power as a filmmaker when he was still learning his craft..

So, this film is clearly not the polished film you would find being released by a studio today…and that is part of what makes it great…you couldn't make this film today. With that said…they are remaking this film, and it is being directed by one of my favorite young directors, Alexandre Aja…and I will probably enjoy it, as I love the story and enjoy the director………BUT, this film can not be made today and it will be just a watered down, polished caricature of itself. Check out the original before the remake overtakes theaters.

P.S. FUCK THE MPAA

The Horror 100: 25 and 24

2005-10-20T12:47:00.000-05:00

The Clive Barker edition of the list...

#25 Hellbound: Hellraiser 2
(1988, directed by Tony Randel, starring Ashley Laurence, Claire Higgins, Doug Bradley, Kenneth Cranham, and Sean Chapman)

This one will make your skin crawl. The cenobites are back and they are nastier than ever. The whole charm of the Hellraiser series is the elegance of its monsters, the cenobites…especially their leader "Lead Cenobite" as he was originally known…also known as Pinhead. These are beings that come to you by your desire…nothing else. Your curiosities lead YOU to them not the other way around.

In this sequel, we pick up where we left off, with Kirsty hospitalized and her father MIA. The director of the hospital Kirsty is in, Dr. Channard of the Channard institute, has been fortuitous as he has been searching and investigating "the box" for years and now the expert has arrived. He has been seasoning a young girl adept at puzzles to finally solve the puzzle box and when she does the cenobites arrive and instead of showing her a new set of pleasures, Pinhead states, "It is not hands that call us…it is desire." A great line and proof that the cenobites are simply our dark side.

This film has all that the original has except the intimacy that Barker excelled at. Many of the actors return, Claire Higgins as Julia, Sean Chapman as Frank, Ashley Laurence as Kirsty, and Doug Bradley as Pinhead. The acting was a strong point of the original and it continues in this film and may even be stronger. The film is certainly a lot gorier and the scene with Browning on Julia's mattress is downright gross and hurts to watch.

Despite losing the intimacy of the first film, which was essentially a haunted house film, the claustrophobia remains due to the labyrinthine tunnels our lead characters can't seem to escape. The allowance of the cenobites for the characters to roam hell makes everything seem even more trepidacious. It's seems your just waiting for the other shoe to drop and when Pinhead, Butterball, Chatterer, and Female Cenobite track down Kirsty and make a second deal…Pinhead's quote of "but trick us again child and your suffering will be legendary…even in hell," says it all.

#24 Nightbreed
(1990, directed by Clive Barker, starring Craig Sheffer, Anne Bobby, and David Cronenberg)

Well I like the fact that there are 2 Clive Barker films back to back…and a Barker based film on the way…seeming as he's only directed 3 feature films (all of which made this list). Nightbreed was billed as the first Epic Horror mythology…a new world of monsters that would take over the world of horror. Well, that didn't happen, and the film didn't do the type of business everyone had hoped…I think part of that is 20th Century Fox's meddling. I understand that most people don't want a 126 minute horror film dealing with themes most don't want to deal with…but the 101 minute cut of this film, though great, is missing something. I would love to some day see the 126 minute cut (something Barker is purportedly working on), but I still love the film as it is.

The film is based on a man who is wanted for murder who keeps dreaming of a mystical place of Midian…where the monsters live. He eventually finds this dominion and is introduced to the creatures who inhabit it…the Nightbreed. All along this process, there is a murderer running loose. David Cronenberg plays our lead character, Boone's, psychologist, Dr. Decker, and puts in a terrific performance as well as everyone else, including those hiding behind prosthetics as the Nightbreed (including Pinhead's Doug Bradley as Dirk).

The mythology created by Barker in his novel, Cabal, is powerful and fantastic. It is a trip I very much enjoyed taking and one of my biggest disappointments in cinema is that this film never got a sequel. Most films aren't made with a sequel in mind…then a sequel comes…and it sucks. When a film is made with the intention of follow ups due to the enormity of its mythos, it is very disappointing when that film never comes….imagine never getting to see "The Godfather part II." That's kind of what this equates to in the world of horror in my opinion.

Anyway, if you've never seen this film…it is very much worth checking out…and if you ever hear of the director's cut finally getting a special edition DVD…make sure you check that out…I know I will.